Monthly Archives: November 2010

Authentic Intimacy: An Encounter with Truth

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But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.”
Luke 19:8-10 (NIV)

A rare privilege in life is to have a relationship with someone who sees you accurately with positive regard and still accepts you unconditionally. This is a relationship founded upon truth and authenticity. How extraordinary to be seen by another as having all the resources needed to become the person God has envisioned you to be. This is what every child needs to receive from his or her parents.
This is the story of my initiation into authentic intimacy. I was in my 30’s, having graduated top in my Master’s degree program and successfully practicing therapy for two years. I pursued on opportunity to receive training in group therapy that I thought would round out my resume. I didn’t think I really needed to be in group for myself—I was just learning the skills necessary to be a more effective group facilitator. I was working with Bob Wright, one of the leading therapists in Chicago. I knew he was an exceptional therapist, yet, I was a bit uneasy around him. I felt like he could see through me and I knew he didn’t trust me. I considered myself to be the only Christian in the group and I felt it was part of my mission to lead everyone back to God, including Bob.
After group one afternoon, early into my group life, I saw Bob walking forcefully in my direction. He had an unusual power about him and was unlike anyone I had ever known. I did not understand why I was so terrified of being in a group led by him. What was the big deal? I had been effectively leading groups for years. I was so scared I actually dreaded going to group and felt sick to my stomach each week as the day and time for group grew closer.
Bob was charging down the hall and I was getting that sick feeling that he was coming for me. The next thing I knew, I was up against the wall and Bob was screaming in my face. It was like an out of body experience. Time was suspended and I was hearing every word he was saying with clear precision. I felt torn about what was happening. On the one hand, I was twice his size and wanted to flick him off me and toss him out the window of the high rise we were meeting in. On the other hand, this wild man spitting out his judgments, was seeing me more accurately than anyone else had ever seen me before. What he was saying to me was true. He was loving me with the truth.
Here’ a few of the truths that changed my life. Bob was confronting me on my refusal to be genuine. I was putting on a façade of niceness that was intended to manipulate others into liking me. I was out of touch with and unwilling to express my hurt and anger. I was constantly withholding my judgments and acting superior to him and the other people around me. I saw myself as being the only one who had true faith, acting like I had the inside track to having an authentic relationship with God. I was out of touch with my true self and my feelings. I was not mature enough to experience the kind of intimate and faith-filled relationship I thought I had with God.
I identified with Zaccheus the tax collector in his encounter with Jesus (Luke 19). Zaccheus climbed the tree to see Jesus, yet, in reality, his deeper need was to be seen by Jesus. I had sought out help from Bob because I believed he would see me and help me transform my life. In spite of all of Zaccheus’ wrongdoings, Jesus reached out to him and asked to stay at his home. It was my hope that Bob would help me even though he knew I was hiding behind a façade of niceness, superiority and pseudo-spirituality.
Like Jesus, Bob invited me into a deeper and more authentic relationship with myself. Like Jesus, Bob went out on a limb to befriend what others in his world considered to be an extremely dangerous person—a fundamentalist Christian. Bob had hope for me—he had a vision of who I could become and how I could meaningfully impact the world and the church. Like Zaccheus, I was inspired by his faith in me and dedicated my life to becoming the most genuine, faith-filled, and compassionate Christ-follower I could be.

God and Me–Down and Dirty

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Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith

This letter to God was written by one of the clients at CLE who is striving to have a more truthful, genuine, and intimate relationship with God. He is demonstrating the faith and courage to tell it like it is instead of perpetuating his attempts to manipulate God with his artificial fronts and facades. Be both shocked as well as inspired by his authenticity. Notice how uncomfortable you may feel when there are no simple solutions offered. Remember, you cannot become who you want to be unless you are willing to tell the truth about who you are right now.

God and Me–Down and Dirty

I don’t know you.

I don’t know if I can know you.

Sure, I have professed to have a personal relationship with God through his Son, Jesus Christ, the exact representation of God in human form.  But what does that mean?

I acted like I knew you. I acted like I knew all about you.  I told others how to know you, how to pray, how to behave and how to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  What a crock.  I have used You to feed my own superiority and need to matter to others.  I have used You as a way to give my life some meaning and purpose.  I have used You to have an excuse for not taking personal responsibility for my life.  I have said it was not Your will when disappointed or when I have failed to live up to my potential.  I have prayed about things rather than act responsibly.  And I have angered others with my know-it-all pomposity.

When I was little I feared You.  If I did not behave like a good boy, I knew you would punish me.  If I fought with my sisters you would make sure I was beaten by my dad.  If I stole something, I would be whipped with a belt.  You caught me all the time.  When no one else was looking, You knew.  And because you knew, you would see to it that I was punished.   I wanted You to save me and I was too afraid of you to believe You actually would.

If I could get this formula right, perhaps I could find a way to please you.  Maybe if I read about kind, gentle St. Francis of Assisi who was loved even by the animals, who was canonized by the church and a model of love and compassion.  Maybe, if I tried really hard to be like him, I could get close to You and You would save me.  As hard as I tried, I could not be like him.  I could not be kind and loving.  I was still angry, afraid and hurt.

Maybe if I learned the Mass in Latin and served as an altar boy you would find me acceptable.  If I got up early and served at the 6 am service every day of the week you would love me.  I still feel empty.  The music and the incense and the stained glass windows – the tabernacle and the genuflecting and all of the vestments made me think I was getting closer to you.  Not so much.  I was still scared, and angry and hurt. It all became empty ritual.  Why would I continue to do these things when I still hurt inside?  I was afraid of the priests and the nuns and the mistakes I would make.  It was all mysterious and scary.  Who are You that you would terrorize a child with more guilt and more shame and more fear?

God who are you?

What do you want from me?   WHAT DO YOU WANT!  Why won’t you tell me?

I am alone and on my own.  I want to be seen by others but I am afraid. I want to see others and support them, but I can’t even see past my own stuff.   I get in my way all the time.

Why did you make me like this?   Why won’t you help me change?  Why can I not love my wife and children the way I want to? Why do I push them away when I want more than anything to have them close?  Did you make a mistake with me? Do you hate me?  Am I that bad?

What can I do to make you love me?  How can I make it better?

How?

The Truth Will Set You Free

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I was a participant on a weekend retreat whose aim was to equip me to be more honest and live more in integrity. I found myself packed into a small room with my team waiting to have our performance evaluated on a series of projects we had completed. There were facilitators present who had been monitoring our work as a team. They were there to empower us to examine the extent to which we operated in good faith, living true to our commitments, principles and values.
I was angry and scared. I felt like I was back in the Principal’s office, terrified that I was going to get in trouble. I realized I spent most of my life trying to be good and do everything right in order to avoid getting punished. I had made it a point to protect myself by working harder than others and doing everything I could with excellence. I avoided working on teams because I ended up feeling responsible for other people’s work. As my upset grew, I began to ask myself, “Why in the world did I sign up for a retreat on truthfulness and accountability?”
Time passed and I began to feel a bit calmer and let down my guard. Then, out of the blue, one of the facilitators asked who on our team was responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. In that instant, it seemed as if I was a prisoner caught trying to escape and the spotlight was pointed right at me. Oh no! Everything shifted to slow motion and I was on the hot seat and my buns were going to fry! I had blown it.
That morning, I had made it a point to outwork all the other members on my team. I had been very productive and I was angry with those who were slackers. We were responsible to clean the building we were meeting in. Near the end of our work time, one of the slackers asked me to make a final sweep of the bathrooms and I had forgotten to do it. It was my fault! I was the culprit and now I was in trouble.
In an instant, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had blown it and left myself open to get in trouble. How could I defend myself? Didn’t it make a difference that I had done so much more than everyone else on my team? I had worked the hardest and had done the most and didn’t that count for something?
Over the next couple hours, the facilitators along with my team members attempted to help me to admit the truth that I was at fault. They wanted me to tell the truth that I had failed to follow through on what I committed to do. I felt like they wanted me to admit I had lied and my defense was that I had simply forgotten. In my mind, they wanted to blame, shame and punish me.
Later I would see that my inability to love and accept myself was preventing me from admitting that I had made a mistake. How could I be wrong and stay on my own side? What I feared they wanted to do to me was in fact what I had been doing to myself for years. I was my own harshest critic. My attempts to defend myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stubborn defensiveness was what caused others to want to punish me–not my failure to clean the bathrooms!
Gradually, their persistent broke through my resistance. I realized that they were investing in me and not trying to beat me up. They were determined to help me see what was true and at the same time accept myself. Admitting I was wrong and accepting that I had fallen short was something I had rarely done. Historically, my strategy had been to try and be perfect so that no one could ever punish me again.
My breakdown along with their commitment to truth became the gateway to my experience of grace and forgiveness. My willingness to put myself in a situation where I would be seen and held accountable opened the door for me to experience a deeper level of self-acceptance and grace. My strategy to avoid making mistakes at all costs was robbing me of the joy of discovering that the world was both a classroom and a playground in which I could try new things, make mistakes, learn, and grow.