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Love: The Hope of the Holidays

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And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.   1 John 4:16 (NIV)

My wife, Sue, and I just returned from a Christmas get-a-way in Chicago. We spent a nourishing night and a day together while we shopped ‘til I dropped, enjoyed delicious food, and gazed in awe at the Chicago skyline while being mesmerized by Lake Michigan. Our surprising highlight was celebrating Advent at the Fourth Presbyterian Church on Michigan Avenue.

Stepping into this stunning cathedral, with every seat taken, immediately caught me off guard. In an instant, I went from worship to worry. We were a late and I was hoping to slip into the back of the church unnoticed. Before I could hang a u-turn and regroup, an attentive and forceful usher was leading us down the center isle while the service was in progress and instructing several parishioners to squish in to accommodate us. I was mortified and unsure how this all had happened so quickly. As I recovered from my shock I realized I was not breathing.

Sue wedged herself in first. I looked at the space remaining and knew there was not enough runway to land this plane. Not breathing was helpful as I, as inconspicuously as possible, wedged myself into the cubbyhole left for me at the end of the pew.  I felt like a Hummer being parked in a small car only space. I was so grateful that I had the presence of mind to rip my coat off while marching down the aisle; otherwise, I would never have been able to wedge myself in.

Within seconds of my insertion, my right leg had gone numb and the high end piece on the 100 year old oak pew was threatening to sever the brachial artery in my arm. At this state of shock, my only other concern was that when I get nervous I sweat abundantly. I am not the guy who has the oil spill under his arms—no, I am the one who looks like someone just turned the sprinklers on my balding head.

The next thing I remember hearing was the warmth and strength of the voice of John Buchanan, the Senior Pastor at Fourth Pres. He was introducing of all things a capital campaign. I found myself feeling a sense of love and experiencing a sense of peace flood over me. I knew Buchanan’s heart for relationships and his concern for those who were less fortunate. He was guiding his congregation to embrace the point where service, faith and love all came together.

Buchanan was creating an experience of God’s love that was precisely what my soul needed. How ironic, that in a style of worship I was not familiar and a church in which I was a guest, I felt myself calm down and experience the peace of God. I was safe and I was at home. I experienced the love, acceptance, and patience of God through our usher, my buddies in the pew, the community of saints, and my pastor for the morning.

I was reminded of the primacy of relationships and the irreplaceable foundation of love. I had a renewed vision for the work being done at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. At CLE we are encouraging and training each other to multiply our talents, fulfill our mission, and remind each other that he who lives in love lives in God, and God in him. I knew John Buchanan was not only my brother but my ally in the ministry of redemption. Until all know and experience the personal and unconditional love of God, we won’t rest.

John Buchanan closed his message with a beautiful poem:

I know that I have life

only insofoar as I have love.

I have no love

except it come from Thee.

Help me, please, to carry

this candle against the wind.

Wendell Berry

Let the Light Illuminate Your Life

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When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

Jesus, the great spiritual teacher, claimed to be the light of the world. He did not say he was a light or one of the lights. He said, “I am the light of the world.” This is an amazingly bold claim which requires faith to believe.  It is a statement of such scale that it cannot be proved. It must be believed or discarded. Without true light, all the counselors and therapists of the world would be lost.

Jesus did not claim to be the light of a select few. His proclamation was that he was the light of the world—He was the light of everyone. His invitation was to everyone, offering the light of life to everyone and anyone who would follow him. He said he was the light of life, not the light of day or the light of dawn.  Jesus said he was the light of life. Like our purpose at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment, Jesus’ intention was that everyone would live life abundantly and he understood that to accomplish his mission each of us needs spiritual illumination.                                                                                           

Light reflects one of our most fundamental needs, along with warmth, shelter and clothing. I often remember the initial surge of fear I experience when there is a sudden power outage at night.  Power outages during the day are inconvenient–the clocks stop, the lights don’t work and the garage door opener is inoperable. It is a nuisance; however, when the power goes out at night, it can be terrifying. When we are thrust into darkness, we frantically scramble to find flashlights, matches and candles.  We do not rest or feel safe until we can see.  Dim is tolerable. Pitch black is unbearable.

Yet, many of us are comfortable living in the darkness when it comes to knowing the truth about ourselves. We live with the lies we tell ourselves as well as with those we accept from others. To grow, we have to embrace the truth and the light. We are living in darkness when we are unwilling to know the truth about ourselves. It is insanity; however, often we feel most comfortable when we are most in danger. Denial slowly takes over our senses and deceives us into believing we are safe when we are actually in harm’s way.

Jesus also claimed to be the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). Light and truth are like twins, most often seen together in sacred teachings. They provide both illumination and guidance. I must know where I am in order to get to where I want to be. The most effective way to learn the truth about myself is through the feedback of others. I spent countless hours poring over the scriptures by myself only to discover that the honest feedback of others was the most instructive source of light about myself.

Find a truthful and supportive community like the Center for Christian Life Enrichment in order to surround yourself with others who will care for and support you with the truth in love.

For What Do You Hunger?

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Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35 (NIV)

How many of our hearts were moved with compassion seeing the dazed and hurting people after the devastating earthquake in Haiti? To make matters worse, how painful was it to empathize with those parents who could not provide food, water and shelter for their children. The fear of being that powerless and dependent is more than many of us are willing to even imagine.
We recognize the magnitude of our most basic needs when we go without them. It is certain that we will all at some time go without what we want and others of us may face going without what we need. All these experiences heighten our awareness of our dependence on others.
Jesus came to both unveil as well as underscore our hunger. Our hungers are reflected in our need for air, food, water, clothing and shelter. Yet, Jesus knew that underlying all our basic survival needs are our even more fundamental yearnings for relationship—and ultimately our relationship with God. Jesus quoted from Deuteronomy saying, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” (Matt 4:4) Jesus was not being dualistic, arguing that we shouldn’t care about food. He was saying that in the same way we hunger for bread and water, our souls also yearn for communion with our Heavenly Father.
When Jesus declared that he was the bread of life, he was saying that his purpose and passion was to feed us. Like any parent, he longed to provide for us the food and water we need to sustain our souls. Jesus declared that if we will only come to him, then he will be our food and water. He claims that he himself is our nourishment and sustenance. A dependent and intimate relationship with God is our pipeline to the abundant life which God has promised. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)
If we will only come to him, like any decent parent on the planet, he will embrace us and provide for us the nourishment we need. Many of us fear the very intimacy we crave. We say we believe that God loves us, yet, our fear and resentment keep us away. We want to be self sufficient. We don’t want to believe we need anyone. We see dependence as weakness. We don’t want to feel again the pain of disappointment, rejection or abandonment.
Jesus said, “And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.” (Luke 12:29-31) Jesus acknowledges our hunger but challenges us to put it in perspective. He tells his followers to not only seek him but to seek his kingdom. Seeking him suggests we are acknowledging our yearning for relationship with him. Seeking his kingdom, means that we strive to live by his principles and fulfill his purposes on earth.
Jesus invited us to live a life of faith in him. A faith not in the seen but rather in the unseen. A life lived in dependence on him and his principles to be our bread and water. A life lived not for safety or security. Instead, a life lived by faith according to the principles and purposes of God. His principles and practices are summed up in one word, love. The Apostle Paul wrote, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” (Gal 5:6)
Jesus exhorted us saying, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.” (Matt 5:6) Embrace the bread of life and love one another.

Authentic Intimacy: An Encounter with Truth

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But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.”
Luke 19:8-10 (NIV)

A rare privilege in life is to have a relationship with someone who sees you accurately with positive regard and still accepts you unconditionally. This is a relationship founded upon truth and authenticity. How extraordinary to be seen by another as having all the resources needed to become the person God has envisioned you to be. This is what every child needs to receive from his or her parents.
This is the story of my initiation into authentic intimacy. I was in my 30’s, having graduated top in my Master’s degree program and successfully practicing therapy for two years. I pursued on opportunity to receive training in group therapy that I thought would round out my resume. I didn’t think I really needed to be in group for myself—I was just learning the skills necessary to be a more effective group facilitator. I was working with Bob Wright, one of the leading therapists in Chicago. I knew he was an exceptional therapist, yet, I was a bit uneasy around him. I felt like he could see through me and I knew he didn’t trust me. I considered myself to be the only Christian in the group and I felt it was part of my mission to lead everyone back to God, including Bob.
After group one afternoon, early into my group life, I saw Bob walking forcefully in my direction. He had an unusual power about him and was unlike anyone I had ever known. I did not understand why I was so terrified of being in a group led by him. What was the big deal? I had been effectively leading groups for years. I was so scared I actually dreaded going to group and felt sick to my stomach each week as the day and time for group grew closer.
Bob was charging down the hall and I was getting that sick feeling that he was coming for me. The next thing I knew, I was up against the wall and Bob was screaming in my face. It was like an out of body experience. Time was suspended and I was hearing every word he was saying with clear precision. I felt torn about what was happening. On the one hand, I was twice his size and wanted to flick him off me and toss him out the window of the high rise we were meeting in. On the other hand, this wild man spitting out his judgments, was seeing me more accurately than anyone else had ever seen me before. What he was saying to me was true. He was loving me with the truth.
Here’ a few of the truths that changed my life. Bob was confronting me on my refusal to be genuine. I was putting on a façade of niceness that was intended to manipulate others into liking me. I was out of touch with and unwilling to express my hurt and anger. I was constantly withholding my judgments and acting superior to him and the other people around me. I saw myself as being the only one who had true faith, acting like I had the inside track to having an authentic relationship with God. I was out of touch with my true self and my feelings. I was not mature enough to experience the kind of intimate and faith-filled relationship I thought I had with God.
I identified with Zaccheus the tax collector in his encounter with Jesus (Luke 19). Zaccheus climbed the tree to see Jesus, yet, in reality, his deeper need was to be seen by Jesus. I had sought out help from Bob because I believed he would see me and help me transform my life. In spite of all of Zaccheus’ wrongdoings, Jesus reached out to him and asked to stay at his home. It was my hope that Bob would help me even though he knew I was hiding behind a façade of niceness, superiority and pseudo-spirituality.
Like Jesus, Bob invited me into a deeper and more authentic relationship with myself. Like Jesus, Bob went out on a limb to befriend what others in his world considered to be an extremely dangerous person—a fundamentalist Christian. Bob had hope for me—he had a vision of who I could become and how I could meaningfully impact the world and the church. Like Zaccheus, I was inspired by his faith in me and dedicated my life to becoming the most genuine, faith-filled, and compassionate Christ-follower I could be.

God and Me–Down and Dirty

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Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith

This letter to God was written by one of the clients at CLE who is striving to have a more truthful, genuine, and intimate relationship with God. He is demonstrating the faith and courage to tell it like it is instead of perpetuating his attempts to manipulate God with his artificial fronts and facades. Be both shocked as well as inspired by his authenticity. Notice how uncomfortable you may feel when there are no simple solutions offered. Remember, you cannot become who you want to be unless you are willing to tell the truth about who you are right now.

God and Me–Down and Dirty

I don’t know you.

I don’t know if I can know you.

Sure, I have professed to have a personal relationship with God through his Son, Jesus Christ, the exact representation of God in human form.  But what does that mean?

I acted like I knew you. I acted like I knew all about you.  I told others how to know you, how to pray, how to behave and how to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  What a crock.  I have used You to feed my own superiority and need to matter to others.  I have used You as a way to give my life some meaning and purpose.  I have used You to have an excuse for not taking personal responsibility for my life.  I have said it was not Your will when disappointed or when I have failed to live up to my potential.  I have prayed about things rather than act responsibly.  And I have angered others with my know-it-all pomposity.

When I was little I feared You.  If I did not behave like a good boy, I knew you would punish me.  If I fought with my sisters you would make sure I was beaten by my dad.  If I stole something, I would be whipped with a belt.  You caught me all the time.  When no one else was looking, You knew.  And because you knew, you would see to it that I was punished.   I wanted You to save me and I was too afraid of you to believe You actually would.

If I could get this formula right, perhaps I could find a way to please you.  Maybe if I read about kind, gentle St. Francis of Assisi who was loved even by the animals, who was canonized by the church and a model of love and compassion.  Maybe, if I tried really hard to be like him, I could get close to You and You would save me.  As hard as I tried, I could not be like him.  I could not be kind and loving.  I was still angry, afraid and hurt.

Maybe if I learned the Mass in Latin and served as an altar boy you would find me acceptable.  If I got up early and served at the 6 am service every day of the week you would love me.  I still feel empty.  The music and the incense and the stained glass windows – the tabernacle and the genuflecting and all of the vestments made me think I was getting closer to you.  Not so much.  I was still scared, and angry and hurt. It all became empty ritual.  Why would I continue to do these things when I still hurt inside?  I was afraid of the priests and the nuns and the mistakes I would make.  It was all mysterious and scary.  Who are You that you would terrorize a child with more guilt and more shame and more fear?

God who are you?

What do you want from me?   WHAT DO YOU WANT!  Why won’t you tell me?

I am alone and on my own.  I want to be seen by others but I am afraid. I want to see others and support them, but I can’t even see past my own stuff.   I get in my way all the time.

Why did you make me like this?   Why won’t you help me change?  Why can I not love my wife and children the way I want to? Why do I push them away when I want more than anything to have them close?  Did you make a mistake with me? Do you hate me?  Am I that bad?

What can I do to make you love me?  How can I make it better?

How?

The Truth Will Set You Free

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I was a participant on a weekend retreat whose aim was to equip me to be more honest and live more in integrity. I found myself packed into a small room with my team waiting to have our performance evaluated on a series of projects we had completed. There were facilitators present who had been monitoring our work as a team. They were there to empower us to examine the extent to which we operated in good faith, living true to our commitments, principles and values.
I was angry and scared. I felt like I was back in the Principal’s office, terrified that I was going to get in trouble. I realized I spent most of my life trying to be good and do everything right in order to avoid getting punished. I had made it a point to protect myself by working harder than others and doing everything I could with excellence. I avoided working on teams because I ended up feeling responsible for other people’s work. As my upset grew, I began to ask myself, “Why in the world did I sign up for a retreat on truthfulness and accountability?”
Time passed and I began to feel a bit calmer and let down my guard. Then, out of the blue, one of the facilitators asked who on our team was responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. In that instant, it seemed as if I was a prisoner caught trying to escape and the spotlight was pointed right at me. Oh no! Everything shifted to slow motion and I was on the hot seat and my buns were going to fry! I had blown it.
That morning, I had made it a point to outwork all the other members on my team. I had been very productive and I was angry with those who were slackers. We were responsible to clean the building we were meeting in. Near the end of our work time, one of the slackers asked me to make a final sweep of the bathrooms and I had forgotten to do it. It was my fault! I was the culprit and now I was in trouble.
In an instant, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had blown it and left myself open to get in trouble. How could I defend myself? Didn’t it make a difference that I had done so much more than everyone else on my team? I had worked the hardest and had done the most and didn’t that count for something?
Over the next couple hours, the facilitators along with my team members attempted to help me to admit the truth that I was at fault. They wanted me to tell the truth that I had failed to follow through on what I committed to do. I felt like they wanted me to admit I had lied and my defense was that I had simply forgotten. In my mind, they wanted to blame, shame and punish me.
Later I would see that my inability to love and accept myself was preventing me from admitting that I had made a mistake. How could I be wrong and stay on my own side? What I feared they wanted to do to me was in fact what I had been doing to myself for years. I was my own harshest critic. My attempts to defend myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stubborn defensiveness was what caused others to want to punish me–not my failure to clean the bathrooms!
Gradually, their persistent broke through my resistance. I realized that they were investing in me and not trying to beat me up. They were determined to help me see what was true and at the same time accept myself. Admitting I was wrong and accepting that I had fallen short was something I had rarely done. Historically, my strategy had been to try and be perfect so that no one could ever punish me again.
My breakdown along with their commitment to truth became the gateway to my experience of grace and forgiveness. My willingness to put myself in a situation where I would be seen and held accountable opened the door for me to experience a deeper level of self-acceptance and grace. My strategy to avoid making mistakes at all costs was robbing me of the joy of discovering that the world was both a classroom and a playground in which I could try new things, make mistakes, learn, and grow.

Nancy Rollins

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Nancy Rollins: Runner Extraordinaire

I met Nancy over 14 years ago. She was introduced to me by a friend and had expressed interest in working as a therapist at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment.
She had spent the last 20 years serving as a psychiatric nurse, having worked at Northwestern and now at Highland Park. She was highly regarded by all the staff and thought of as one of the most outstanding nurses on the unit.

She was hungry to help others in need and had an amazing way with people. She won me over in the first few minutes. I just knew she would be an awesome addition to my staff. I could see her being very effective and the most important quality to me was her genuine compassion and concern for others. I had a sense we would become friends and partners in the work of personal transformation.

I learned that we both had spent a number of years on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, sharing our mutual love for Christ and our passion for seeing others discover a personal relationship with God. I also sensed that she had learned a lot from her life experience and had a lot of wisdom. As an adult with a family, she too had returned to school and recently completed her Masters degree in Counseling from National Lewis University.

I was surprised and scared to learn that she had gone through a divorce. As a director of a relatively new counseling practice, I was not sure that the community we served would trust and respect someone who had been divorced. After hearing her story, I realized it was the same Nancy Rollins that I was getting to know who had responsibly and tenaciously attempted to save her marriage. I saw how much courage and faith it took for her to accept her inability to effect a change. I also knew she had remarried and had two sons, creating a strong and health family of 13 years.

I then became aware of how Nancy, having experienced the heartache and pain of a divorce, was eminently qualified to support others in learning how to heal and strengthen their relationships. She would end up becoming my most effective marital counselor. I knew I could send any couple to Nancy and they would bond and build a strong relationship through which the couple would heal and strengthen their partnership. She knew both the rewards as well as the hazards of intimate relationships.

In addition to her strong qualities and character, Nancy is one of the most highly respected masters level runners in Illinois and the Midwest. She holds nearly every masters level distance record in the state. She has run in nearly 60 marathons and completes in races of every distance every weekend through the running season. Nancy is not only an elite runner; she is a dynamic coach. She founded and leads the CLE Running Club at the Center for Life Enrichment, which serves a large number of people who want to blend the benefits of psychology along with the wisdom of heath and fitness.

Nancy is my trusted partner and senior therapist at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. She not only powerfully and effectively serves her clients; she also is a mentor and supervisor to the rest of our staff. Read more about Nancy at www.cle.us.com or find her on LinkedIn.

The Bible is not Enough

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The Bible is not Enough

I remember when I came to the realization that the Bible is not enough. I was the campus director of Campus Crusade for Christ at Northwestern University. I was sitting across from a female student who was sharing with me that she had been repeatedly sexually abused as a child by her brother. I was stunned, shocked and horrified. I did not know what to say and fortunately did not say anything. I simply cried.

For years, I had been a serious student of the Bible, devoting hours each day to the study and application of the Scriptures. At the time, I was of the belief that a thorough knowledge of Bible would equip me to grow and mature in my spiritual life. In the moment following this student’s vulnerable disclosure, I experienced a crisis of faith. All the passages I might have normally referenced seemed trivial and unfitting. I did not know what to say. I was beginning to realize that the Bible alone was not the answer.

I had a sense that this woman was deeply wounded and needed something more than exhortation from the Scriptures. I felt like I was a Boy Scout with a first aid kit trying to help someone who was hemorrhaging from a severed artery. I felt small, ill-equipped, and powerless. I experienced a moment of disillusionment wondering how God could allow something like this to happen and how could I help her.

I reached out to other Christian professionals for help. Like me, many were appalled and uncertain about how to support her. Finally, someone gave me the name of a Christian counselor. At that time, Christian counseling was an oxymoron. Previously I had been of the opinion that counseling was for those who didn’t know Christ or who were ignorant of the Scriptures. If you were a devoted Christian, then you didn’t need counseling.

My eyes were opened. It was like a second spiritual awakening for me. The same passion I had for wanting to get to know God through studying the Bible, I now had for wanting to understand myself and others. How can I better appreciate why we do what we do? I resonated with Paul when he cried out, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (Romans 7:15) I was beginning to understand that spiritual transformation involved more than simply attending church, studying the Bible and practicing spiritual disciplines.

I started reading everything I could get my hands on that had to do with psychology and spirituality. The groundbreaking works of Larry Crabb, a pastor and psychologist, were very helpful. Mysteriously, I stumbled upon a book written by Paul Tournier, entitled, Guilt and Grace. Tournier was a Swiss physician and author who integrated Christianity with an understanding of psychology. While reading his book, I suddenly felt, “I make sense.” I was beginning to understand why I struggled with fear, insecurity, and self hate. My eyes were being opened to the possibility of healing in my own hidden areas where I felt irreparably damaged. I was beginning to appreciate that I was in as much need of healing as my student at Northwestern.

I began to understand God and faith from a different point of view. I was seeing how God’s truth was made manifest in all aspects of life, including the both the physical as well as the social sciences. I was learning that the personal and spiritual aspects of life were harmonious. I had hope that I could truly heal from the inside out and I could learn how to help others as well. I was experiencing what it felt like to be in the flow and swimming with the current of God’s love and wisdom. Little did I know that this journey would lead to the formation of the Center for Christian Life Enrichment and the hundreds of lives that have been and are being transformed in a community of grace and truth. We make it our aim to “Live life abundantly.”

Our Hunger for the Shepherd

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I opened my email and saw a message from the chancellor of my graduate school.  My stomach tightens. This is not good. I open the email to find a short message instructing me to rewrite several of my papers.  Detonation! My kids refer to this as Dad turning into his “hulk-self.” I wanted revenge, retribution—a slow painful process of payback against my imaginary abuser.

Who doesn’t hunger and thirst to be seen, known, accepted, cared for, protected, guided, and comforted. We all long to return to the Garden, to be with the perfect parent. None of us, however, grows up in the ideal home or has perfect parents. Abraham Maslow recognized the developmental nature of our being, beginning with our physiological need for air, water, food, shelter, sleep and sex.  Without these fundamentals we cannot survive.  Although we might exist for a short while with our physical needs met, without having safety and security we will inevitably perish at the mercy of a predator.

With our physical and safety needs satisfied, now we can begin to address our hunger for love and belonging. We can’t stay alive without the basics, yet, what would be our quality of life if we never know love. Levels one and two in Maslow’s hierarchy addresses our drive to survive. Level three and above deal with our hunger to thrive and ultimately actualize ourselves.  We have been created for abundance—loads of love, nourishment, satisfaction, meaning, and joy.  We are designed to cultivate our gifts and abilities in the service of living extraordinary lives.

At the same time, Jesus says we are sheep.  We are contingent beings, even though we are all but limitlessly gifted; we were created to ”be”—to be fully in relationship with God, each other and ourselves. God has made us to be a magnificent reflection of Himself; capable and competent yet dependent on Him as well as each other. We can survive alone, yet, we only will thrive in shared community with one another.

Jesus claimed to be the good shepherd—the whole, complete and paramount parent of all his sheep. He sees us accurately and is attuned to our every need. He also desires mutuality, as the scriptures say, that his sheep know him intimately. In fact, it is written in the scriptures that Jesus was made in every way like us and tempted in all things as we are. He is us, created us, knows us, intercedes for us, and will never abandon us.

A Tribute to C. L. Blue (1916-2009)

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One year ago, on Thursday, March 26, 2009 my father, Charles Leroy Blue, died at the age of 93.  My wife, Sue, and I had gotten word he had had a stroke and somehow knew we needed to get out to California as soon as possible. In the space of 4 hours, we had dropped everything, purchased tickets, packed and headed for the airport to be with him. Yet, Dad had his own way of doing things and he was ready to move on–it was his time and his choice and there was no waiting around. We received the news Dad had died just before boarding our flight at Midway Airport.

Dad loved airplanes and loved to travel. How fitting that we would be in an airport when we learned of his death. When I was a kid, he and I would spend hours at the local airport listening to scanners monitoring the communication of the air traffic controllers. He spent a lot of his working life on airplanes and in and out of airports. After retirement, one of his greatest joys was planning and going on vacations.  I remember him telling me he and mom had taken over 60 trips following his retirement.

Dad loved to work hard and treasured the tools he owned.  I often thought he had a relationship with his tools, especially when I made the mistake of not properly taking care of one of his “friends.”  I learned from Dad to love hard work and to respect the tools I worked with. I learned how to set goals and strive toward accomplishing them.

Dad loved numbers.  There was a time when he could remember every place he had ever lived, including their addresses and phone numbers.  Any time Dad was a passenger in a car with you he would lean over and try and read the odometer. He was always curious about how many miles I had on the car and how many miles I would be driving to my next destination.

Dad loved routines.  Everything he did was a system—he had the same way of doing things every time.  One of his mottos was, “A place for everything and everything in its place.” I remember his morning routine: getting up at the same time, showering, making coffee, getting the newspaper, having the same breakfast every morning while reading his paper. He liked the same handful of restaurants and always requested the same table.

Dad loved discipline and determination.  Once he set his mind to something, there was no stopping him.  Whatever he did, he did it with willpower and resolve.  He smoked for 30 years and quit the day he finally became convinced smoking led to lung cancer. He drank alcohol until he was 86 and stopped cold-turkey when the neurologist told him he had no brain cells left to lose.

Dad loved the fire department.  When my brother, Bob, was 10 he was hit by a car and the quick thinking of the fireman who responded to the accident saved his life. As an expression of his gratitude, Dad served on the Fire Department Board of Directors for over 25 years, most of those years serving as the chairman.  They named the board room in his honor. How fitting that fireman from the Orinda Fire Department responded to my mom’s 911 call, cared for my father and transported him on his final trip to the hospital.

Most of all, my Dad loved my mom—it was not a perfect example of healthy dependence but it was a testament to his dedication and commitment to loving her to the best of his ability. The last conversation I had with my father, he once again said that Mollie (my mom) was the best thing that ever happened to him. He had a hard time living with her but there was no doubt he would not have wanted to live without her.

My Dad was a sensible man who lived faithful to his values. He was true to his vision and did what he set out to do. He could be rigid, stubborn, impatient and childish, often losing his temper when he did not get his way. At the same time, he cared deeply for all of us, dedicating his life to demonstrating his love by doing everything he could to provide for and protect us.

The last 20 years of my Dad’s life, he and I forged a respectful and loving relationship.  I am so thankful for the work we do at CLE to get clear and current Continue reading →