Category Archives: Grappling with God

A Moment of Grace

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This is an exerpt from the second chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This book details the process of personal transformation practiced at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. The chapter emphasizes how grace is both the foundation for and safe haven within which we can do the work of personal transformation. I am recalling one of my early experiences of grace.

Mrs. Henderson was a spiritual mother to me. I had met her through a Christian youth group I joined in high school called Young Life, where kids my age got together to have fun and share fellowship. I was awkward at first at the Young Life gatherings, unsure of myself or whether I fit in, but my experience was of being welcomed just as I was. The adult leaders, too, seemed genuinely pleased that I had come and were visibly and vocally happy when I returned a second and then a third time, and finally became a regular. Being part of Young Life did not magically wash away all the hurt and pain I had inside, but it opened me up to looking at my life as more than just football, which had been the only real connection I had with others in high school.

As I immersed myself in Young Life—going to every meeting, participating in small groups, and attending Bible study—I got to know Mrs. Henderson, who was one of the leaders. She had a large family with five kids, including a daughter about my age. From the beginning, I was accepted as “one of the family” by Mrs. Henderson.

Although I was aware that Patsy had a crush on me, I considered us to be just friends.  After high school, Patsy and I attended different colleges, and she began a career as a semi-professional singer. While home from college one weekend, I was invited to attend one of Patsy’s concerts. Afterwards, she invited me back to her house. Patsy made it seem as if there were going to be other people there.  When I got to the house, however, Patsy and I were alone. Pretty soon things were getting hot and heavy between us. Then Mrs. Henderson walked in.

The moment Mrs. Henderson looked at me, I felt like a dog that had jumped the fence. I was the guy who was allowed to be in the house at any time, and I had violated that trust. “Get out of here, right now!” Mrs. Henderson yelled. I was surrounded by shame.

I tore out of there as fast as I could. I got in my car and drove back to school, all the while kicking myself for how stupid I had been. My whole life to that point had been spent avoiding circumstances that could get me into trouble.  It wasn’t that I was so virtuous; I just wanted to appear good and not get caught doing anything wrong so people wouldn’t be mad at me or think less of me. Now I was up to my neck in hot water with Mrs. Henderson.

After a sleepless night, I called Mrs. Henderson the next morning and told her I needed to talk with her.

“I would love to talk with you,” she told me.

When I pulled into the driveway, Mrs. Henderson opened the front door to her house and greeted me. As I approached, my tears flowed; I couldn’t say anything other than how sorry I was. Putting her arms around me, Mrs. Henderson assured me she understood what happened. All was well, and our relationship was restored.

Here was an experience unlike anything that had ever happened to me before.  Here was forgiveness and acceptance in spite of the fact that I had violated the trust of someone whose opinion of me mattered very much. Here was love that was not dependent on being good or compliant.

Here was grace.

CLE is a community built on grace. It is because of the grace we share that we are able to see the truth about ourselves and  learn how to share it responsibly with others. The counseling and therapy we offer is not religious or dogmatic–it reflects the genuineness and authenticity of Christ.

Divinely Designed Relationships

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The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) 

           At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment, we are divinely designed for relationship. Created in the image and likeness of God, we are born with certain traits that encode us for connection. Even our personalities are shaped by experiences we have with others. From our nature to our nurture, we hunger and yearn for safe, nourishing, affectionate, comforting, supportive, mature, and intimate relationships.

            And yet, we spend so much of our time trying to hide from others. As much as we long to be seen and known, we constantly try to conceal ourselves behind masks and facades. The reason, I believe, is that we see ourselves as flawed and lacking, and somehow totally unworthy of being loved. Afraid of being exposed as objectionable and unlovable, we try to become invisible, or else we project a superior air to keep everyone else at arm’s length. Out of fear and shame, we hold back our spouses, families, friends, and even God. We are even disconnected from ourselves.

This epitomized my life in the late 1980s when, as a Christian counselor, I joined a therapy group in downtown Chicago led by a man named Bob Wright. It has been suggested to me that I participate in Bob’s groups in order to become more alive and potent. I came to this experience being very comfortable with groups. I had been participating in them all the way back to high school, and I had been leading groups in the ministry for ten years.  This group, however, was nothing like any of my prior experiences. First of all, it was not a traditional group in which people talk about their issues or recent experiences. It was what Bob called an “assignment group,” meaning people were intently focused on learning, growing and experiencing genuine openness and honesty with each other in the here and now. I found it totally chaotic, confusing, and unnerving.

            Although I pretended to be engaged, I sat back and observed, silently judging everyone else. I couldn’t connect with these people because I saw myself as superior to them. The truth, however, was that I was terrified! With their emotional intensity and angry confrontations at times, the group made me extremely uncomfortable. What I couldn’t see, however, was that the source of my unease was myself—not them.  

            As soon as group was over, I tore out of there, sometimes literally running down the hall under the guise of catching my train. One night as I rushed to leave, Bob Wright raced after me and literally pushed me up against the wall. With his finger in my face he yelled, “I know your game. I know what you’re doing. You come across as if you are so caring and kind, but you’re mean and judgmental. You’re not what you make yourself out to be.”

            My first instinct was to fling this guy off me. But on a much deeper level, I had the completely opposite reaction. For the first time, I was seen and known. As Bob ripped into me, exposing me as a fraud to myself, he gave me the most loving of gifts—the truth. Only by embracing that difficult truth could I ever break through the shell I had built over the years in hopes of becoming invulnerable to pain and hurt. Only then, could I truly connect with others, to see them as they were and to allow them to see me.

     My relationships with others and God have been the foundation of my journey of transformation. Reaching out to others for feedback about myself has been the cornerstone of the remaking of my most authentic self. The truth I have received from others has been the raw materials used in the reconstruction of my most Christ-like self. I now trust that for me to become like Jesus, I must be fostering authentic community with others who are dedicated to our mutual transformation through the sharing of truth with each another.

     This blog is from the first chapter of my new book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith, which is going to be released soon. Watch for the pre-release resources we will be making available.

Let Your Light Shine

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When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

Jesus, the great spiritual teacher, claimed to be the light of the world. He did not say he was a light or one of the lights. He said, “I am the light of the world.” This is an amazingly bold claim which requires faith to believe.  It is a statement of such scale that it cannot be proved. It must be believed or rejected. Issues of faith are at the heart of the work we do at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment (CLE).

Jesus did not claim to be the light of a select few. His proclamation was that he was the light of the world—He was everyone’s light. His invitation was to all–all inclusive, offering the light of life to everyone and anyone who would follow him. He said he was the light of life, not the light of day or the light of dawn.  Jesus said he was the light of life. Jesus’ intention was that everyone would live life abundantly and he understood that to accomplish his mission each of us needs spiritual illumination. At CLE, we believe every individual is created in the image of God and has infinite worth and value.

Light reflects one of our most primal needs, along with warmth, shelter and clothing. I always remember the initial wave of terror when I experience a sudden power outage at night.  Power outages during the day are inconvenient–the clocks stop, the lights don’t work and the garage door opener is inoperable. It is a real nuisance.  When the power goes out at night, however, it can be terrifying. When we are thrust into darkness, we frantically scramble to find flashlights, matches and candles.  We do not rest and feel safe until we can see.  Dim is tolerable. Pitch black is unbearable.

Yet, many of us are comfortable living in the darkness when it comes to knowing the truth about ourselves. We live with lies we tell ourselves as well as with those we accept from others. We must embrace the truth and the light. We must seek to know truth like we would seek light when we are lost in the dark. We are living in darkness when we are unwilling to the know the truth about ourselves. Mistakenly, we are most comfortable when we are in the most danger. Denial slowly takes over our senses and deceives us into believing we are safe when we are actually in harm’s way. Meeting with a Christian therapist offers you the opportunity to have someone reflect back to you the truth you do not see about yourself. The only way to become your most Christ-like self, is to solicit the genuine feedback of others who will tell you the truth about you.

Along with being light, Jesus claimed to be the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). Light and truth are like twins, most often seen together in sacred teachings. They provide both illumination and instruction. When I am lost, I must identify the truth about where I am before I can get to where I want to be. I believe the most simple and effective way to learn the truth about myself is through soliciting the feedback of others. When I was younger, I hid out from relationships with others by spending countless hours poring over the scriptures in an attempt to know myself. As I matured, I realized that by getting into relationship with others and inviting honest feedback from them, I was opening myself up to one of the most potent sources of light.

Let your light shine on one another that we might grow increasingly into the likeness of Christ.

Having the Eyes to See The Doors of Opportunity

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I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:9-10)

Doors signify times of transition and opportunity.  Doors represent the fear of leaving what is behind and the anticipation of what lies ahead. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:13-14)  Paul understood the importance of doors. He experienced many challenges in which he chose to leave behind the familiar and move into the unknown trusting in God’s direction and companionship. At CLE we love to be a part of supporting those who are searching and seeking for MORE in their lives.

One of the first big doors in my life was when I was 16 years old and recovering from the sobering realization that football was not me nor my life. The previous season, I had played only one play the entire season. The cornerstone of my identity had always been my prowess in football. I was both devastated by my dreadful performance and determined to regain my identity as a powerful football player. I was desperate and determined to succeed.

I persevered and the next season I regained my starting position on the team. In spite of my accomplishment, I was left with a nagging sense of disillusionment and a profound sense of despair. My eyes were opening to the fact that success in football was not sufficient to satisfy my deeper longings. Up until then, I had not been willing to consider what truly nourished me and gave my life meaning and purpose.

It was during this time of existential doubt and despair that I was hungry to find new doors. Previously, all my activities centered around football. For the first time I was open and looking for something more. A friend invited me to a Young Life[1] meeting. I accepted his invitation when I would have avoided it previously. I knew virtually nothing about God except the hymn, Holy, Holy, Holy, and the Ten Commandments. I was changing. I was choosing to take responsibility for my life. Doors were appearing and I was pursuing opportunities to grow. I was asking questions instead of regurgitating answers. Anxiety was morphing into excitement and I was on the hunt for meaning and satisfaction.

Many of us make it our life purpose to avoid challenges and temptations, both for ourselves as well as those we love. We inadvertently rob ourselves and others of the opportunities to find doors through which we can escape the matrixes of our mistaken rules and beliefs. We worship the god of the status quo. James writes, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

What I discovered by going through the door of Christ was the experience of believing that I was being regarded by God with the utmost respect. I was being offered unconditional compassion and acceptance. I was experiencing what I didn’t even know I had been searching and longing for. The pain resulting from my setbacks in football was awakening me from a deep sleep. The suffering I experienced was a beacon guiding me to the possibility of transformation. I could now see doors where previously I had only seen walls.

If you are going through a season of hardships which seem like setbacks, look for the doors of opportunity. Seek out the support from those who are More Knowledgable Others, like the counseling staff at CLE. Have the courage to let go of what you have known and be willing to try doors you may have never considered or seen before.

Ask God for the eyes to see and the ears to hear his voice. I believe God’s desire is that each of us knows we are loved by Him and that we dedicate ourselves to becoming our most whole, complete, and Christ-like selves. Paul’s promise for those who are willing to fight the good fight is, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Cor 10:13)

[1] A non-denominational Christian ministry that reaches out to adolescents.

Paired Sharing with God

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One of the simplest yet powerful tools we use at CLE is paired sharing*. This is an exercise where two or more people agree to purposefully and intentionally alternate between sharing and listening to one another. We ask people to use a timer and have a set period of time in which they share, beginning with rounds of two to three minutes each.  One person talks while their partner listens silently. The listeners suspend performing any of the normal activities associated with social and active listening. We ask them to avoid making empathic sounds and offering non-verbal gestures such as nodding, smiling, raising of the eyebrows, etc. When the speakers have completed their time to share, then the partners switch roles and the listeners becomes the sharers.

The speakers have the opportunity of having others listen to them without the fear of being interrupted or having the focus of attention taken off them. They have the chance to articulate what they think and how they feel without being influenced by the thoughts and cues of those who are listening to them.  They are able to get to know themselves in a whole new way.The speakers are encouraged to free associate, speaking to themselves as if no one was there listening to them. As counselors at CLE, we teach them to almost ramble or babble, following their feeling and urges instead of speaking as if they were writing a paper or giving a speech. The objective is for the speakers to express their thoughts and feelings without attempting to control or censor them.

The listeners are asked to listen in an unorthodox way. While listening, they are expected to hold the speaker in positive regard. This means that the listeners envision the speakers as whole and complete persons who are able to support themselves in getting what they want and need. Listeners are asked to make their own internal process the priority of their focus and attention. Listeners are to pay attention to what they are thinking and feeling while listening attentively to their partners. They are not expected to reflect back what they have heard their partners say.

This exercise has been life transforming for those who have made paired sharing part of their ongoing disciplines at CLE. We are finding it to be especially effective with couples, helping them to connect, see, and hear each other. We have also found paired sharing to be beneficial in our relationships with God. We actually have an assignment in our spiritual growth series where people are invited to do a three minutes (sharing) by three minute (listening) paired share with God once a day for thirty days.  This is proving to be a very challenging exercise which is deepening and strengthening peoples personal relationships with God.

Consider the opportunity to build your relationship with God through having a regular time of paired sharing. Consider it as a form of prayer or meditation designed to increase the openness and intimacy in your relationship with God.

* I am grateful to Bob Wright at the Wright Leadership Institute for introducing me to paired sharing.

Praying with Positive Regard

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I was in my hot tub this morning praying.  I was experiencing lots of emotions; however, the predominant feeling was scared. I was aware of so many different things I was afraid of. First, my long time client at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment who is in the final stages of prostate cancer came to mind.  He is valiantly battling to live one day at a time. I also thought about my son who is individuating and living his life as an adventure. His most recent daring episode involves traveling by land from the southern tip of South America to California. Finally, my wife, Sue, was on my heart.  She is battling through challenging side effects associated with this rigorous 12 week detoxification process she has introduced us both to. (I might add, I may have been foolish when I decided to join her in this self imposed food famine. At the moment, I think I would rather be facing the dangers of backpacking through Central America than exorcising my toxins!)

As I was praying for Sue and the others, I suddenly noticed that there was a degree of desperation in my prayers. I was pleading and begging God for his support. I realized may prayers were full of drama and doubt. It was as if I was putting on a show for God, acting as if I needed to exaggerate and be overly dramatic in order to solicit his support. In an instant, I became aware of myself and how I was being with God while I was praying. At CLE, we would say I was growing in consciousness. This was a very meaningful moment for me in my relationship with God and in my relationship with myself.

I am becoming increasingly aware of how uncomfortable I am being–being with myself, with others, and with God. In the same way I use food to numb myself from what I am feeling and experiencing in the moment, I can see how I have used praying to do the same thing. I have a conversation with God, yet I am distracted and unaware of what I am feeling and thinking in the moment. It is like trying to have a meaningful conversation while watching TV. My prayers become like mindless chanting. They are actually distracting me from what I am doing and numbing me from what I am truly feeling and thinking in the moment.

This morning in that instant of insight, it was like I was witnessing the burning bush with Moses.  I had a moment of awareness. I suddenly realized I was praying for Sue as if she was a victim and asking God to rescue her.  I was lobbying for a divine bailout. I was not being respectful of Sue nor holding her in positive regard. I was not picturing Sue as being whole and complete, made in the image of God, capable of navigating her life. I was seeing her as weak, pitiful, and incapable of facing the challenges before her on the journey of transformation into her most Christ-like self.

I felt free. I no longer needed to hold Sue as a victim. I was not responsible for Sue. I did not need to manipulate God for divine aid. I felt hope. I knew Sue was strong, steadfast, capable, determined, and courageous. She was in a tough fight and needed powerful and wise coaches in her corner. She needed the support of the cloud of witnesses surrounding her and cheering her on spoken of in Hebrews 12. I was remembering both who I was praying for and who I was praying to. I was accurately perceiving her in the here and now. I was praying with positive regard.

Couples Telling Their Story

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My wife, Sue, and I just spent an inspiring weekend with fifteen couples who attended the Center for Christian Life Enrichment’s 2011 Winter Couples Retreat in Racine, Wisconsin. I was inspired by their courage to pursue their hunger for more intimacy and their willingness to let others coach them in transforming.

One of the first concepts we discussed on the retreat was the challenge for couples to recognize that the foundation of a healthy marriage is the individual strength and maturity of each partner. Each person in the relationship must dedicate themselves to growing up and differentiating from one another. At first, this sounds backwards. In fact, many couples are trying to do the opposite. They are trying to re-capture the “in love” feeling they had while they were dating which results in the quest for the counterfeit to true intimacy. This seductive substitute is what we call enmeshment or fusion.

At CLE, we believe that if a marriage is going to grow beyond infatuation, then partners must take responsibility for developing themselves and fulfilling their life purposes.  While conscious couples are learning and growing, they are also deliberately choosing to invest in their marriages. They are not looking to define themselves by their spouses or their children. The image I have is of two increasingly strong and dedicated individuals investing in their marriage and family out of the rich and bountiful harvest of living their lives to the fullest.

It has become absolutely clear to me that if we intend to genuinely transform our lives, then we are going to need exceptional support. At CLE we provide all types of different counseling services built around an individuals or couples needs.  We generally recommend that people choose a blend of individual and group therapy.  Individual therapy gives someone the opportunity for intensive one on one support from a trained professional while group provides a person the chance to get feedback and support from peers as well as other professionals.

At our couples retreat this past weekend, the tool we focused on developing for enhancing our partnerships was learning how to share our life narrative. A narrative is our story of how we came to be who we are. When I was in the ministry, we routinely helped people write their testimonies, which were their stories of how they came to have a personal relationship with Christ. This weekend we worked on identifying and appreciating the influences that have shaped us into the people we are today.

I was so moved to see how each of the couples were able to have more understanding, patience and grace with one another as we began to understand the back story behind why we are the way we are. Couples were experiencing breakthroughs in having tolerance and empathy for one another as they were reminded of the forces which shaped themselves as well as their partners.

Don’t miss the chance to join us at CLE for one of our life transforming retreats or workshops. We would love to meet you and welcome you into our community.

Kingdom Theology in Costa Rica

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What an eye opening experience to be here in Costa Rica. We came for the purpose of providing training to local pastors and workers in counseling and the treatment of individuals who are struggling to recover from addictions.

We are here with Global Connections which is an arm of Willow Creek Community Church dedicated to fighting global poverty and AIDS in under-resourced communities in Africa and Latin America. Global Connections’ strategy is to work through relationships with local churches, organizations and Global Servants committed to wholistic transformation of their communities.

What I am really moved by is that the church is empowering local congregations to help the under-resourced people in their communities in creative ways that are self sustaining. Global Connections makes available resources to support pastors who care wholistically about all the dimensions of a person’s life – physical, social, economic, and spiritual. They are very careful to equip the local church leaders to foster and develop self sustaining ministries to serve others in need.

Historically, missions has often been guilty of being paternalistic and ethnocentric. Missionaries would come to preach, convert, and train others to conform to the beliefs and norms of their particular belief system, denomination or culture. Under the veneer of helping or saving the lost, the church inadvertently adopted a position of being superior and arrogant, thinking they had not only the right but the responsibility to correct other peoples’ beliefs and culture.

What I have been especially moved by in this outreach effort has been the respect given to each pastor and community we have been a part of. Our purpose is to serve by coming alongside pastors and providing them with the support they have specifically requested from us. We are helping both Christians and non-Christians. We explicitly avoid attempting to shape or influence their theology. The emphasis is on promoting self-sustaining wholistic ministry with a vision for being the hands and feet of Christ—not the mouth!

I have been so appreciative of the values of mutuality and responsibility we at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment share with Global Connections. We are looking at people with positive regard, having a deep-seated respect for their capacity to learn, grow, and transform themselves. We are coming with an attitude of openness and respect along with a desire to learn and grow from their wisdom and understanding.

One of the most inspiring new areas of interest for me has been what several local pastors call Kingdom Theology. My understanding of their belief is that God’s work is here on earth vs. planning and preparing people for heaven. Our responsibility is to respond to the needs of every person, whether they are a Christian or not, demonstrating in action our concern for basic needs of every human being. The mission is to improve the quality of life in the here and now for all people.

There is also a great deal of concern about the earth and wanting to be good stewards of our environment. Their projects often involve promoting “green” ventures. They are working to relieve the pain and suffering of the poor and those whose lives are ravaged by addiction and poverty. Their strategy is to equip people to be self sustaining and encouraging them to invest back into their respective communities. Instead of building  bigger and better churches, these pastors are investing in programs that will support those in need. We have visited kitchens feeding children, drug rehabilitation centers and businesses that can train and employ the under-resourced.

I am very sobered, challenged and inspired to consider how I can invest my life more strategically. I am asking what God would have me do to serve those who are under-resourced. How can the counseling staff at CLE serve our community more wholistically? How can I be living more responsibly, exercising my concern for those in need? What will I do? Continue reading →

A Fresh Look At Faith

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As  a new and infatuated teenage follower of Christ, I was hungry to belong and to matter in my new community of faith. After spending months pacing around the perimeter of myYoung Life fellowship, I finally stepped across the line of faith, and risked declaring myself a believer in Jesus Christ.

I now felt like a legitimate Christ follower; however, I was not only hungry to belong–I wanted to matter. I wanted to stand out and make a difference. After observing the way the Christian body worked, I realized that the leaders played guitar and led singing during our times of praise and worship.

So, I set out to learn to play the guitar and began participating as a worship leader in our fellowship gatherings.  That satisfied me for a while. I then realized that the real power and respect seemed to go to those who could speak persuasively and teach the Bible. So, I dedicated myself to becoming a solid student of the Bible. Eventually, others noticed my gifts and I was offered the opportunity to develop into an inspirational speaker and Bible teacher.

This was a time in my life where I believed that faith was the same as certainty. I prayed and studied so that I could know God and understand his will for my life and the lives of those I was influencing. I considered doubt and resistance the enemy of faith. I valued thougths over feelings; the mind over the heart.  I thought that a significant apsect of my spiritual maturity was being certain of what I believed.  I also wanted to share the love of Christ and learn how to persuade  others to believe as Idid.

I think of this period of my development as my spiritual teens. I was filled with confidence, optimism, hope, and a sense of invulnerability. It was not until I was faced with the shocking reality of sexual abuse among my staff and students at Northwestern, that I began to experience an existential crisis of faith. At this time, I remember thinking that the Bible was not enough.

For the first time, I did not feel comfortable sharing a few verses with my students and praying with a survivor who was trying to recover from past sexual abuse. There was something more I knew they needed and I knew I did not know how to support them. I wanted to learn how to help these women to heal their bodies, souls and spirits. Little did I know that my hunger to help others was driven by my need for healing myself. I was prescribing the very medicine I would need when it cam time for me to confront my denial about my own abuse. This experience led me to become a counselor and found the Center for Christian Life Enrichment.

I now see that this shock to my faith was intended to jar me into the next stage of my spiritual development. I was moving from the black and white stage of youthful certainty into a more adult stage where I was facing all that I did not know and was not certain about in my life and walk with Christ.

It has been during this adult stage of my spiritual development that I have learned to appreciate the power of doubt. I was beginning to see that faith was not synonymous with confidence and certainty. Authentic faith requires us to move foward when we do not understand and when we have more questions than answers. If we knew that everything was as it should be, then what would be the need for faith.

We are more apt to rely on faith when we recognize that everything we do is spiritual. All of life, every thought and decision, is a demonstration of what we belive in. Faith has real significance when we must make decisions and step out when things seem to make the least sense. In many ways certaintyand formulas are the luxury of youth.

What do you think Abraham was feeling and thinking when God instructed him to sacrifice his son, Isaac? Would you have questioned for one milisecond whether you were willing to follow and obey God the way Abraham did? Who of us would have thought for one instant, that it was God directing us to murder our son. If I heard of anyone thinking that that message was from God, I would recommnend hospitalizing them instantly.

However, Abraham, moved forward in his obedience. I doubt whether he reached out to anyone for cousel because think he knew that no one in their right mind would support him in his mission. It was Abraham against every reasonable person on earth.  It was Abraham stepping out in faith. He knew the only one he could trust was who Paul Tillich referred to as the God above God–the complex and at times inscrutible being who is beyond our comfortable and predictable projections. Now, this is a fresh and disturbing look at faith.

The Joy of Living Responsibly

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“Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” Phil 2:12-13

Who would ever think that being responsible is a key to having peace and joy?  When we think of someone being responsible, we imagine someone being dependable, trustworthy, and accountable. Sounds boring, right?

At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment we use “responsible” in terms of a principle which, if applied, can empower us to live magnificent lives; instead of simply a way to be good and stay out of trouble. Yalom writes, “Responsibility means authorship. To be aware of responsibility is to be aware of creating one’s own self, destiny, life predicament, feelings and, if such be the case, one’s own suffering.”[1]

A commitment to being responsible means that I am the author of my life.  I can no longer blame others, circumstances or God for the outcomes of my life.  I am free from the burden of feeling like I am a victim. I am not responsible for what others may do, but I am responsible for how I choose to respond. For example, I cannot prevent you from judging me, but I am can choose how I let your opinion affect me.

Adhering to the principle of responsibility is the antidote for victimhood.  When we find ourselves operating within the Drama Triangle, whether we are playing the role of victim, persecutor or rescuer, we are disregarding the principle of responsibility. If I am the author of my life, how can I blame you for anything?  I believe we are created in the image of God and as such we are agents of creation and not victims. We are designed to generate and lead productive lives.

Experiencing and responding to our feelings is a critical skill in living responsibly.  Many of us grew up learning all kinds of rules limiting the expression of our feelings. For example, for some, it was OK to be sad but shameful to be angry. For others, anger was acceptable but fear was a sign of weakness. All our feelings are part of our divine design. It is our job to learn how to use them responsibly.

Feelings are vital indicators alerting us to our hungers for what we want and need. For example, when a deer feels fear, immediately the sympathetic nervous system engages and the survival instincts take over.  The deer’s life depends on how he chooses to respond to his fear. A deer must decide whether to freeze, flee or fight. If he freezes in the woods, there is likely to be a much better outcome than if he chooses to freeze on the highway with a truck coming at him.

We disregard our feelings to our detriment.  When we ignore fear we invite the buildup of worry and anxiety. When we acknowledge our fear and thoughtfully consider our response, we act according to the principle of responsibility.  At times we may dismiss an imagined fear, recognizing it as a fantasy. At other times, our fear will inform us that we need to act immediately. It is our responsibility to learn how to better interpret the wisdom of our feelings.

We have been equipped with gifts and talents intended to be used in the fulfillment of our life purpose.  It is our responsibility to strive to uncover what we are most passionate about as we exercise our gifts. Each of us is responsible to fulfill our mission and live the most meaningful lives possible. Assuming full responsibility for our lives is foundational to living lives of meaning, purpose and passion.

Consider how one of our Christian counselors could support you in living the most meaningful and potent lives possible.

[1] Yalom, I. (1980). Esistential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books, p. 218