Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith

This letter to God was written by one of the clients at CLE who is striving to have a more truthful, genuine, and intimate relationship with God. He is demonstrating the faith and courage to tell it like it is instead of perpetuating his attempts to manipulate God with his artificial fronts and facades. Be both shocked as well as inspired by his authenticity. Notice how uncomfortable you may feel when there are no simple solutions offered. Remember, you cannot become who you want to be unless you are willing to tell the truth about who you are right now.

God and Me–Down and Dirty

I don’t know you.

I don’t know if I can know you.

Sure, I have professed to have a personal relationship with God through his Son, Jesus Christ, the exact representation of God in human form.  But what does that mean?

I acted like I knew you. I acted like I knew all about you.  I told others how to know you, how to pray, how to behave and how to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  What a crock.  I have used You to feed my own superiority and need to matter to others.  I have used You as a way to give my life some meaning and purpose.  I have used You to have an excuse for not taking personal responsibility for my life.  I have said it was not Your will when disappointed or when I have failed to live up to my potential.  I have prayed about things rather than act responsibly.  And I have angered others with my know-it-all pomposity.

When I was little I feared You.  If I did not behave like a good boy, I knew you would punish me.  If I fought with my sisters you would make sure I was beaten by my dad.  If I stole something, I would be whipped with a belt.  You caught me all the time.  When no one else was looking, You knew.  And because you knew, you would see to it that I was punished.   I wanted You to save me and I was too afraid of you to believe You actually would.

If I could get this formula right, perhaps I could find a way to please you.  Maybe if I read about kind, gentle St. Francis of Assisi who was loved even by the animals, who was canonized by the church and a model of love and compassion.  Maybe, if I tried really hard to be like him, I could get close to You and You would save me.  As hard as I tried, I could not be like him.  I could not be kind and loving.  I was still angry, afraid and hurt.

Maybe if I learned the Mass in Latin and served as an altar boy you would find me acceptable.  If I got up early and served at the 6 am service every day of the week you would love me.  I still feel empty.  The music and the incense and the stained glass windows – the tabernacle and the genuflecting and all of the vestments made me think I was getting closer to you.  Not so much.  I was still scared, and angry and hurt. It all became empty ritual.  Why would I continue to do these things when I still hurt inside?  I was afraid of the priests and the nuns and the mistakes I would make.  It was all mysterious and scary.  Who are You that you would terrorize a child with more guilt and more shame and more fear?

God who are you?

What do you want from me?   WHAT DO YOU WANT!  Why won’t you tell me?

I am alone and on my own.  I want to be seen by others but I am afraid. I want to see others and support them, but I can’t even see past my own stuff.   I get in my way all the time.

Why did you make me like this?   Why won’t you help me change?  Why can I not love my wife and children the way I want to? Why do I push them away when I want more than anything to have them close?  Did you make a mistake with me? Do you hate me?  Am I that bad?

What can I do to make you love me?  How can I make it better?

How?