Consciously Choosing Life

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Life is to be lived fully in the here and now. All we can know for certain is what is right now. The past is history and the future is fantasy. The past makes friends with regret and the future invites anxiety. Both of these are thieves of life in the now.

What characterizes the here and now?

First, our breath. Our breath not only connects us with ourselves, it is the source of life. “Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” (Genesis 2:11) The material became spiritually alive when we were given breath. Breath is what breaches the great divide that separates life from death. When someone dies, we know they have left this life when they breathe no more.

The here and now is also made manifest in our bodies. We can feel and experience our body in the here and now. We see with our eyes and smell with our noses. We notice our tongue swimming in our mouths. We feel our fingers scurry as we type. We sense our chest expand and contract as we breath. We experience our heart pumping the blood filled breath throughout our bodies.

Our feelings fill every moment in the here and now. Although easy for us to diminish and dismiss, feelings fill every moment of life. We have mountains of feelings seeking to be experienced and expressed in every moment. Feelings are the language of our souls—our deepest and possibly most spiritual expressions.

Become conscious of our breath and we are living in the moment. Feel our bodies and we are experiencing the present. Uncover our feelings and we have found the here and now.

The trinity of consciousness—our breath, our bodies, and our feelings. Treasure these three and we will we will be well served on our expedition of life.

Join us, a community of conscious pilgrims, looking for partners on the journey of becoming our most Christ-like selves. Living life consciously with our eyes fixed on Christ expressing our aliveness authentically. We are looking for those who are hungry and yearning for abundant life. Come play life with us at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment.

Oedipus or Intimacy

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What are you yearning for in your partnership? Do you want more safety, affection, truth, comfort, joy and intimacy? 24 couples involved in the CLE community met together for a weekend of learning, growing and transforming ourselves as well as our couples. It was an inspiring time of experiencing people willing to trust each other to be genuine, truthful and caring.

 

People told the truth about where they were struggling. They shared vulnerably about what they yearned for with their partners. There was a shared hunger to learn how to be Christ in their relationships with one another.

 

We looked at the Myth of Oedipus and were reminded of how powerfully our parents’ relationships impacted who we chose to marry as well as how we interact with each other. We saw how the wounds and unfinished business carried by our parents was passed on to each of us. The unresolved competition and conflict between our parents profoundly impacted our beliefs about life and marriage.

 

We recognized that our parents loved us and yet also influenced us in ways they were often unaware of. We saw that it was now our responsibility to do the work we need to do in order to heal and not pass on the pain to the next generation.

 

We gained a vision for what it would look like to bring Christ into our relationships with one another. We saw couples telling truths, working through resentments, forgiving each other, revealing their longings, playing, and touching affectionately. Basically, we were learning how to experience the many facets of love.

 

Isn’t that what it all boils down to? Jesus said it simply, “Love God and love your neighbor.” May it be so. We invite you to come and experience this life transforming community we are creating at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. We are looking for more playmates!

What was I thinking?

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creating enduring relationships - CLEWhen you meet someone and fall in love, nothing else seems to matter. It is like being on love-heroin. All you want to do is be with that person. You say things like, “You had me at hello” or “You complete me.”

How quickly things change. After the wedding, it is not long before your first skirmish. Those mild scuffles escalate into battles that evolve into long standing crusades. Gradually, all you can think about is getting a break and you are asking, “What was I thinking when I married him or her?”

You vowed you wouldn’t be like your parents. As you grow, you begin seeing how your partnership is reminiscent of your parents’ relationship. When you are honest, you accept that you have many of the same traits as your mother and father. You are inexorably drawn to recreate your parents’ marriage and your family of origin. It is as if it is part of your DNA.

Mary thought James was so much kinder and more sensitive than her father. Her dad was an unhappy alcoholic who spent most of his time at work during the week and at the country club on the weekends. James was a caring people person. He not only did not drink, he was a pastor. James was very devoted to the church and spent most of his time faithfully ministering to his congregation. He numbed his pain by isolating and overeating. In counseling, Mary gradually came to realize that she had married her dad. The circumstances were opposites; however, she was seeing that she felt the same pain of loneliness and abandonment she knew as a child.

Why do you pick the partners you do? I believe in part it is because you are drawn to that which is known. You seek comfort and familiarity, confusing them with safety. Your partner is a composite of your mother and father. He or she is your personal consultant offering you the opportunity to complete lots of unfinished business from your childhood. He or she is your guide to learn, grow, and transform yourself into the person you are capable of becoming. I guess you do know what you were doing!

Watch for our blogs, newsletters, and workshops to learn more about how you can have the marriage you have always dreamed of. It may make sense for you to talk with one of our finely trained therapists to personally walk with you through your journey to wholeness and a life of joy.

This Hallowed Place

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This past weekend, the CLE community enjoyed another sacred weekend we call Spring Retreat. We had our largest gathering ever, stretching the limits of our beloved DeKoven Center in Racine, WI. The time was especially meaningful because Eileen Parks (I am using her real name with permission), one of my original clients, joined us to celebrate her husband, Jon, who died three weeks earlier. She testified to Jon’s undying love for God, for people, and for the work of personal transformation–the theme of our weekend.

6012450701_dd9cf2b7d6_oDeKoven was one of Jon’s favorite places. It was a space that became sacred for him. Jon represented the best of what we like to refer to as the DNA of CLE. Jon loved life and wanted to enjoy every moment passionately with anyone willing to learn, grow, and walk with him. Jon loved people and people loved Jon. He had an insatiable urge to share his feelings in the moment. He loved supporting anyone to heal, express their feelings, choose to live the biggest life possible, serve anyone in need, and love God with all their heart.

Eileen shared another one of Jon’s poems, written in February of 1995. Evidently, he wrote this poem following attending his first CLE retreat. May his words give you a vision for the life changing experiences we have on these weekends together.

 

Change

Jon Parks

(First CLE Retreat, February 1995)

This Holy Place will ever shine

Within my heart

Like summer fields drenched deep

In sunlight’s green beams.

Tis perfect place in time,

Where well-worn masks were gently set aside,

And hearts displayed in view for all to see.

This Hallowed Place,

Where humanness touched timelessness,

A glimpse caught of a sweet eternity.

And you O God are all of us,

Warrior, healer, visionary, teacher

And this one thing I know,

That we who shard this sacred place

Have touched eternity,

Our image made in you.

For this beauty and this miracle of

Life, to know and to be fully known,

The cry of every heart,

To Dance and sing and dance again,

Where dancing never ends,

To feel the deepest feelings,

To taste of life itself and find

one day, our hands outstretched to

touch the face of God.

I saw a person standing there, so filled

With pain and misery,

I longed to hold them to my breast,

To comfort them with love.

And then as I grew closer still,

I was amazed to see,

That this poor wounded aching heart

was my best friend called me.

A Tribute to my Friend Jon Parks

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It has been about two weeks since the death of my friend, Jon Parks. He fought a courageous 15 year battle against prostate cancer. I had the pleasure of walking with him during this journey along with his wife Eileen. I remember our first couples group after he learned of his diagnosis. I will never forget hearing him cry out to God, “I don’t want to die!” Jon loved life. He loved his wife, Eileen, and he loved his boys.  Jon wanted to live with every cell in his body.

rich eileen jonI miss Jon. The Center for Christian Life Enrichment has lost a vital member of our body and we are hurting. Everyone is hurting. It is our turn to experience the pain that Jon lived with every day. I must confess that I was so relieved when I learned of Jon’s death. It hurt me to my core to see him suffering, even though he handled it with such courage and grace. I feel like it is our turn now, Jon. You have passed the baton of a life lived well to us.

When I remember Jon the word that comes to my mind is passion. Jon was passionate about everything aligned with life. Everyone and everything was his favorite. Jon made you feel like you were the most important person in his life in that moment. A rare gift. Even more rare because Jon meant it. In spite of his boundless enthusiasm, Jon was sincere. An unusual combo.

I will always think of Jon as a poet. I have been blessed so many times through listening to his poetry. I think back to the many times when I was leading a group and I would catch that hungry look in his eye. I knew what it meant. Jon had another poem he had written and it was crying out to be shared in that moment. I would reluctantly relinquish turrning over the mic to Jon, lest I never get it back. How I miss those times now. I want to share one of his poems that is crying out to be shared. I share this in honor of his life.

When you’re dying of cancer,
it really doesn’t matter if the Mets won, or who’s running
for president, or that the windows need painting,
you only notice the tick, tick, tick of the clock as time slips
silently away from you,
and like sand pouring through your fingers,
it scatters into the wind and onto the cold ground,
reminding you each golden moment of life, of your life,
is gone forever once lived,
and that they are not endless,
but finite,
and counted,
and that there are only so many God gives you,
and no more,
just death and then eternity.

So live your moments well my cancerous comrades,rich sue and jon
and do your loving well,
as you battle on against this beast so vile and strong,
let every dawn be one more victory,
each setting sun a crown upon your head;
you who’ve learned the truth of all that’s valuable:
the ecstasy of living for another day,
of knowing you are loved,
and feeling God Himself so close to you.

Sing, robin red breast,
sing your lovely chorus to the day,
and dance around the branches, squirrel,
for all of nature loves your praise for life,
and we will join your chorus,
we who know the glory of this day.

Once again, Jon, my scarcity has been overwhelmed with joy and awe. Thanks for sharing, my brother. Your heart is huge.

Touched by Love

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And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

Listening to Nancy Rollin’s interview about her terrifying experience at the Boston Marathon touched my heart deeply. I was moved because I could feel how much she cared about all those who were hurt and suffered.

Seeing one human being love another is what touches and inspires me the most. Love is a word that is used and understood by young children as well as adults. The phrase,“Love you,” is a staple in most relationships.Kids know what they mean even though they may have no adequate definition. As adults we recognize that love is easy to say and much harder to do consistently.

Eric Fromm writes in his book The Art of Loving, “Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself; to retain his integrity.”3181451090_d9b3390973_o

Life is about relationships. Alfred Adler believed that the foundation of healthy living was our concern for others, growing out of our respect and concern for ourselves. We too often confuse love with excessive or unnecessary sacrifice. Love involves a mutual exchange between individuals much like the love experienced between a mother and her newborn infant. The infant does not appear to give as much as the mother; however, is there any question that the mother feels loved by her child? Love is a reciprocal experience of sharing concern and giving to one another.

Love is also a transcendental principle and ideal, which has been the base drumbeat driving my life. Looking back, I see how I have been chasing love from my earliest memories. I did not recognize my hunger nor would I have described it as a yearning for love. I have yearned to love and be loved from the very beginning.

2569927379_a34556beeaLove has been North on my compass. When I was younger I thought I understood what love was. I could quote 1 Corinthians 13 and many of the “love one another” verses in the Bible. Time and repeated failures have humbled me. I now experience a sense of reverence and awe when I think of love, believing that apart from Divine Assistance I will continuously fall short of its demands.

At the heart of love is giving. Jesus said, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45) A rich and meaningful life is the blessing for those who will choose to invest their lives in loving one another.

Watch today for the divine appointments that are offering you the opportunity to give and serve others. These are the building blocks of a life of love. Jesus challenged the disciples saying, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 13:35) Remember, loving is an act shared in community with others. In its purest form, it is a mutual and reciprocal act of concern for and giving to one another.

The Panic of Insufficiency

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“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”  Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

 

 

I heard back from the publisher about my most recent book proposal (last count was six previous manuscripts.) It was rejected, yet with extraordinarily kind and constructive comments. This publisher grasped there were pearls buried amidst my thoughts and ideas.

 

5693019960_176aba8588Disheartened again! I am feeling vulnerable and lacking confidence. I am fighting the feeling that something is wrong with me. I have been hiding out, fearing criticism and rejection. I am questioning my capacity to endure.  I am fighting the panic of insufficiency.

 

It is in these moments I hear the still small voice reminding me of that which is greater than myself hidden within me.  Paul’s phrase plays in my mind, “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” It is the mystery of the incarnation—God within each of us. A glimmer of hope returns and I find myself repeating, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

 

At our core we are spiritual beings.  Within our soul is planted the potential for abundant life and supernatural works. Jesus came in part to reawaken in us the hunger for growing into our Christ-selves. It is in our DNA to multiply our gifts and talents in the service of others. This process of maturation requires transformation and the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to a life of faith.3164436284_6434d7e5f1

 

Jesus reminded us that the kingdom of heaven is within us. When speaking of the kingdom, Jesus alluded to the potential for life and growth lying within each of us. He referred to the kingdom of heaven being like a mustard seed planted in a field. A small seed, almost imperceptible, carrying within it the purpose and potential to grow exponentially. He also spoke of leaven hidden within the dough doing its mysterious work of transformation.

 

Join me in feeling my fear and embracing my insufficiency. Let us reach out for his loving support and learn how to rely on Him. Although created in the image of God, we are designed to live in dependence on Him. Jesus taught that the branches must abide in the vine if they are to bear fruit. Staying connected is especially challenging when I continually want to prove that I can do all things on my own!

 

Jesus said, “Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” John 14:11,12

Hitting the Curve Ball

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I remember going to watch two friends play in a baseball tournament. Although I learned that the game was rained out, I saw a way to still have some fun. There was a batting cage next to the dugouts and I suggested that we hit a few balls. I had always wanted to tap into my inner Ted Williams. They loved the idea.

 

I dug in and prepared for Dennis to throw me a few pitches. They came straight and fast and I was extremely pleased that I was getting a few hits against a pitcher of his caliber. True to form, my enthusiasm migrated into arrogance and I started trash talking.  “Bring it on…is that all you got!”

 

I saw Dennis get what I now know to be a “pitcher’s grin” and had no idea what he had in store for me. He threw me a couple more fastballs that I devoured as if they were Krispy Kreme donuts. In anticipation of hitting the ball out of the park, I started my swing a little earlier and swung at bit harder at his next pitch.

 

The instant the ball left Dennis’ hand, I knew something was terribly wrong. First, the ball appeared to be coming right at my head and I had no intention of getting close and personal with this rapidly approaching projectile. Second, I was nearly completing my swing and the ball was only half way to the plate. What happened?

 

I desperately tried to slow my swing down; however, my bat was already past the plate rapidly making a run for home.  I was helplessly watching this ball curve down and away from my face as it leisurely traveled through the strike zone. Wow.

 

I was in shock and what brought me back to consciousness was the acute pain in my back resulting from trying to slow down my herculean swing. The howling from my friends was deafening. Dennis was rolling on the ground laughing hysterically and I was trying to find my balance having just been introduced to my first curve ball.

 

I was living in the fantasy of thinking that I was a batting prodigy. With only a few minutes in the batting cage, I was hoping that I would be able to hit like a professional. I see how I have the same fantasies in life. I mistakenly believe that if I were better at things then I would be happy and fulfilled. I confuse the outcome with the process.

 

Life is an ecstatic dance lived spontaneously in the moment. It is free, alive, and mysterious. Attempts to script and control life (both ours as well as others) are lethal.  We habitually seek for certainty and attempt to find comfort in routine and predictability. We mistakenly believe that what we want is to be in control. It may be what we want; however, what we need is to live by faith. Faith is the capacity to move forward in the face of the unknown. It is the courage to act in the face of uncertainty and doubt.

 

A life worth living and a God worth worshipping—I see these as central values in a life well lived. Will you allow me to consider one facet of God using my experience at the batting cage? A God worthy of our worship is like a divine pitcher. He throws the pitches and we try to get a hit.

Our job is to hit the balls we are pitched. Growing in our skill of hitting involves a life dedicated to deliberate practice and a willingness to learn from our mistakes and failings. Winning is redefined as learning and growing from our disappointments and breakdowns. In this game we are a team actively depending on our teammates to be dedicated to becoming the best players possible.

 

We are not the pitcher. It is not our responsibility to select the type of pitch, pace or placement. Our responsibility is to select the pitches we are going to try and hit.  Regardless of their pace and placement, we are here to be continually improving ourselves as batters. Avoid the temptation to focus too much on the pitcher and his pitches.

 

At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment we love supporting players who want to learn, grow and become the best hitters they can be. Join us and become a part of our team. It is a blast and you will see remarkable growth and improvement.

 

My Commencement Speech!

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For those of you who were not able to be there in person, I wanted to share with you the excitement and joy that I felt while delivering one of the commencement speeches at the graduation ceremony in which I received my second master’s degree from the Wright Graduate Institute.  It was a great honor to be asked to speak, and I feel grateful for the opportunity to further share my journey, my vulnerability, and my faith!  I hope you will take a look leave me a comment or two letting me know what you think.

~Rich

 

 

My Celebration of Mollie Mae Blue

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It has been three years since my dad died. My mom and dad were married for more than 70 years. She has spent the last several years grieving, adjusting to living alone, and living her life to the fullest.

 

Several months ago I received a call from my brother saying that mom was very sick. I called her and knew the minute I heard her voice that she was struggling. Normally invincible, she was experiencing a lot of swelling in her legs, pain all over, and almost no energy. She said her heart was tired and that she was ready die. I will never forget the shockingly forthright and open conversation we had about dying. I was in shock and not on board with her decision yet.

Her condition improved; however, it was apparent that she was nearing the end of this life. Sue and I quickly planned a trip out to see her but it would not be until the end of August—four weeks away. My mom told me that she could not guarantee living that long. I began negotiating with her the terms of her last days. Eventually she agreed that she would intend to live and not die before seeing Sue and me again.

 

How many people are so blessed to have this kind of conversation with their 95-year-old mom? I was filled with inspiration at her recognition of her power. She understood the power of intention and the complexity of death—in some ways it is outside of our control and in other ways we have been given a lot of say-so. Her focus for the month of August was recovering and living until we visited. We talked several times a day and I was monitoring her condition. With every day she gained hope, strength, and aliveness.

 

She not only lived until our visit, she thrived. Her doctor determined what was wrong (Polymyalgia Rheumatica) and the medication she received helped her renew her strength. By the time we saw her she was zipping about the house exuding energy and joy. Somehow, I knew she would do it. Seeing her was such a blessing; however, it was not long before I was bugging her and she was trying to reign me in. Some things never change.

 

My greatest memory of our visit was when my mom told me that she had something to talk with me about. Historically, I had been the one to initiate these kind of heart-to-heart conversations. She told me that she had been praying for the opportunity to share her concerns about my expression of anger. I couldn’t believe it.  I was both shocked and thrilled. To use CLE lingo, she wanted to “clear” with me.

 

She shared with me her concerns and I listened. I shared my perspectives and she listened. The intensity of the conversation grew, as did the aliveness. I was noticing that we were having a respectful and responsible fight.  There was no room for this kind of discussion in our home growing up. I was ecstatic.

 

Suddenly my fear surfaced. What if she died while we were fighting? I saw the scary masks of guilt and shame trying to divert me from the joy and aliveness of the moment. On the contrary, what better way to die than to be truthfully and passionately engaging with one another in the pursuit of intimacy? When we were finished (2 hours seemed like 2 minutes) my mom and I were radiant and energized. I was inspired and filled with joy and gratitude. What a testament to the work we have done to repair and deepen our relationship over the past 25 years. Thank God for my anger!

 

 

Mollie Mae Blue was born on October 16, 1916 in Chicago. (You do the math; this will diminish her upset with me for revealing her age.) 1916 was the year the light switch was invented and the Chicago Cubs won their first game in Weeghman Park (currently Wrigley Field) against the Cincinnati Reds. Mollie Mae was born during World War I (1914-1918), which resulted in the death of more than 9 million combatants. Democratic President Woodrow Wilson narrowly defeated Republican Charles E. Hughes.

 

Mollie and I are continuing daily to enjoy our honest, alive and feeling-filled conversations. I am a blessed son and man.