Wanted: Attachment Needs Met—Adults as well as Children Apply

“See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me” Lyrics from The Who

We are making Attachment Theory a primary focus at CLE this year. One of the major breakthroughs in psychology is the increasing awareness that the relational needs young children have to attach to their mothers and fathers are the same we have as adults.  Children need to be seen, listened to, empathized with, touched and held—and so do adults. At CLE, we are learning how to identify our attachment needs, recognizing when our needs are not being met, and learning how to heal and repair attachment breaches.

Children are born entirely dependent on their primary care givers. They are unable to survive apart from the provisions of those they are dependent on. Children have the basic needs to survive (food, water, shelter, safety, etc.) along with the emotional and social needs of attachment. Attachment is that process in which children discover and expand themselves through the attention and care of others.

Bob Wright summarizes attachment as our need to be accurately perceived in the here and now, with positive regard, consistently and unconditionally.

Perceived accurately: This is when parents see and mirror back to their children an accurate representation of what the child is feelings and experiencing. The child discovers themselves in the accurate reflection of their primary care givers. Parents play the role of mirrors, reflecting back the expressions, feelings and mood of the child.

As adults, we will strengthen our relationships if we attentively listen to one another, accurately reflecting back what our partner is saying. Avoiding giving advice or trying to fix your partner is strongly encouraged. Any unsolicited advice is certain to result in an attachment breach!

In the here and now: This feedback is most potent when it happens immediately in the moment. Take advantage of the opportunities to see and hear each other in the here and now. Sooner is better than later. This means having live interactions in the moment vs. telling stories about our lives with one another.

With Positive Regard: This is a fundamental attitude that holds each human being as whole and complete. Positive regard is a mindset that believes that each person is both capable and responsible for his or her life—adults are not victims. At CLE, we believe that each individual is created in the image of God and able to draw upon an abundance of resources to learn, grow and transform themselves into their most radiant Christ-self.

Consistently: A child learns much more effectively when he or she experiences consistency in the feedback and response of the primary care givers. We need to be consistently seeking to see, listen to, empathize with, and demonstrate positive regard for one another, whether we are parenting our children or spending time with adults.

Unconditionally: This is certainly the goal put forth by Jesus when he asked us to love one another, forgiving each other, and refusing to retaliate when hurt. Unconditional care and concern is what we all long for; however, it often requires divine assistance. The Apostle John wrote, “We love, because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19) We must draw upon a resource greater than ourselves in order to be able to love one another.

The Transforming Power of Gratitude

Sue and I had been married for about a year and we were in the process of raising our financial support to go on the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ. We had just gotten back from our New Staff Training, and had exhausted all the money we had in savings in order to pay for our training. We had no money and were excited to be living by faith.

One morning the reality of our depleted finances hit us. I had finished balancing the checkbook and announced to Sue that we had seventy-five cents left in our account.  Suddenly, she cried out, “We don’t even have the money to pay the toll to drive across the Oakland/San Francisco Bay Bridge!” I, however, had a peculiar sense of exhilaration as I saw our circumstances as an opportunity for God to provide for us. Sure enough, we experienced what we believed were the provisions of God appearing just as we needed them and not a second too soon!

As I have grown in my years and maturity, I often find it difficult to draw upon the fearless trust I had as a new believer in Christ. When I was younger I was so confident and excited to be living out on the edge, trusting in the goodness of God. Although, I often don’t have the same unguarded enthusiasm in the face of risk, I have learned to rely upon the faithfulness of God.

One of the tools which has helped me when my present circumstances are overwhelming is what I call the Red Sea List. The idea came to me while I was reading the books of Exodus and Deuteronomy in the Old Testament. I found myself identifying with the struggles of the children of Israel. As I was reading I could so clearly see the effects of their selective memory. It was not long after having been miraculously delivered from the harsh enslavement in Egypt that the Israelites were grumbling and complaining about their hardships in the desert wilderness. Some were even willing to exchange their freedom for the security of slavery in Egypt.

I could so relate with the Children of Israel. How soon after some extraordinary answers to prayer am I complaining and worrying about my next hardship or difficulty. The scripture taught that their mistake was that they had forgotten all the good things God had done and instead were focusing on the troubles of their present circumstances. It is so much easier for me to worry about what lies ahead than express my gratitude for all that I am thankful for in the here and now.

The Red Sea List is a list of what we are grateful for. It is a tool designed to help us combat worry and grumbling by encouraging us to remember all the good things God has done. It is as simple as listing all the things you are grateful for. Small or large, material or spiritual, mundane or miraculous. Just start listing anything that comes to your mind.  Don’t get distracted by the order or significance. Your mind will want to divert you from simply listing anything and everything you feel thankful for. It is helpful to set a timer and write your list for even just a minute or two.

Focusing on God and His goodness helps to shift our attention from past regrets or future worries to the fruit of faith expressed in gratitude for all our blessings. The expression of gratitude helps exchange resentment and anxiety for faith, hope, and love.

The Journey of Transformation

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  Romans 7:15

I can’t believe I am heavier than I have ever been before. I start losing weight and then the next thing I know I am gaining again. I know what to do. I have lost weight so many times before. I have all kinds of excellent support and resources along with an abundant network of people who care about me; yet, I continue to comfort myself with food. I am a therapist and help others change; yet, I can’t change myself! Why is it so difficult? Why won’t I change?

Hard and soft addictions multiply in times of fear, stress, and pain. Overeating, restricting food, drinking, drugging, shopping, spending, gaming, television watching, Facebooking, emailing, texting, exercising, worrying, reading, sleeping, and working—the list is limitless. Anything done to excess can enable us to disregard our deeper hungers and deny our pain.

When I am a fugitive on the run from myself, I am suspicious of everything that is good for me. I feel like a wounded animal that is backed into a corner. I fear the truth. I am scared and distrustful of nearly everyone. Curiously, I am very receptive to the counterfeit support that would deaden me to my feelings and dampen me to my pain.

I am quick to forget that my consciousness, my feelings, and my concerned community are my allies even though they may disturb and disrupt my binge. My good friend carved into my heart, “Truth is love.” Listening to the truth and attending to my feelings is the first act of self-love and compassion.  This is the first step toward freedom. When we yield to the truth, like the prodigal son, we will return to the genuine light and warmth of love. I often have to remind myself that the God I adore is a God of love. He is not seeking to chastise; instead, he longs to welcome me home without shame or retribution. This is one of our central missions of the Center for Christian Life Enrichment.

How can we wake up and lay aside our bad habits? The question of concern is, “When we are resistant to transformation, what does it take to penetrate our denial and initiate change?” What will awaken my intention and engage my resources in order to bring about needed changes in my life? Alcoholics Anonymous teaches that alcoholics often need to hit bottom before they will get sober. What is our bottom and will we change? Will we look up for help when we are broken and scared?

Transformation is a process of ups and downs. It is cyclical not linear. Overthrowing denial is foundational to transformation. Once the light of truth burns the fog of denial away, the issue is not whether I have a problem, but whether I am willing to do what it takes to overcome it. As we penetrate our denial, we then must  confront our rationalizations, excuses and stinking thinking.

My biggest battles are internal. I get hurt and angry and refuse to work through my upset with God and those who I perceive have wronged me. I get scared and instead of reaching out and up for help I isolate and withdraw from those who most can support me. I am learning to overcome shame and resist the temptation to self medicate with soft addictions. I am accepting that I make mistakes and learning how to have compassion for myself.

Personal transformation is a way of living and being. It is focused on investing our lives in the pursuit of fulfilling our life purpose. I believe each of us is a child of God with a responsibility to find our calling and fulfill our mission. It requires courage and the willingness to accept that the good fight is a bout with unlimited rounds. The prize goes to those one who persist, picking themselves up after inevitable setbacks, and rededicating themselves to the lifelong journey of transformation.

The Great Exchange: Our Worry for God’s Peace

What would you say if someone gave you the opportunity to eliminate unnecessary worry and anxiety from your life? I and 45 other people from CLE jumped at the chance to get away for a weekend and explore our relationship with fear, anxiety and faith. Our intent was to apply the principle of aliveness and practice being fully present and authentically engaged in the here and now. My expectation was that if we were able to improve our abilities to stay conscious we would experience more peace and joy in our lives.

What do you find yourself worrying most about? Is it the well being of your children, your relationship with your spouse, finances, the future, being alone, disappointing others, not being accepted, saying no, displeasing God? We all have anxiety; however, change can happen when we start recognizing the common themes of what we worry about. Usually, our anxiety is related to things we fear in the future or regret in the past.

I am operating from the assumption that one of our primary feelings is fear. When we fail to address our fear we experience anxiety. This unnecessary worry and anxiety are the result of regretful reflection as well as fearful anticipation. Worry and anxiety tempt us to leave our experience of the here and now, focusing instead on what John Stevens refers to as fantasy. Stevens says that fantasy activity includes, “All mental activities beyond present awareness of ongoing experience: All explaining, imagining, interpreting, guessing, thinking, comparing, planning, remembering the past, anticipating the future, etc.”  (Stevens, 1971, p. 6)

In response to Stevens, we decided to be mindful of our awareness of the outside world, what we experience with our senses, and awareness of our inside world, what we feel from inside our skin. Unlike our fantasies, these two areas of awareness we know exist. Most often what we make up might happen in the future rarely happens. We made it a point to label any mental activity beyond our present awareness as fantasy. We learned that the purpose of fantasy was to distract us from the truth of our experience in the moment. We saw that fantasy intensified anxiety.

I had a powerful opportunity to practice what we were learning on Saturday night at the retreat. After an amazing day of learning and growing, I was teaching about the relationship between fear and faith. I was excited and in awe at the depth and genuineness of the work being done by the participants. Unexpectedly, one of the people attempted to make a joke at my expense. The room went quiet and I was completely caught off guard, feeling scared, hurt and angry. My first impulse was to ignore the slight and act like it never happened. My next thought was revenge—how could I pay him back!

Instead, I stayed with myself, expressing my hurt, embarrassment and anger. I asked him to look at what he was feeling in the moment and why he might want to embarrass me. He was totally unprepared for my vulnerability and began looking at what was going on for him below his level of consciousness. Eventually he was able to track back and see how his hunger for attention and affirmation had been intensifying for a while. He mistakenly believed that I was in the way of him getting what he needed and the only way to get any attention was to take me down. This mistaken belief reflected unfinished business he never had been able to clear up with his father.

We are invited in Scripture to look to God for comfort when we are anxious. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:6-7) God offers to exchange our worry for the peace which transcends all understanding. When you notice you are anxious, track your worries and offer them up to God l  in exchange for peace. Don’t stockpile fear lest it turn into worry.  Use fear to motivate you to action, whether it be to freeze, fight or flee.

We also practiced applying what I call the “manna principle.” This concept conveys the idea that God’s way is to live one day at a time and I would add one moment at a time. Jesus said, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt 6:34) Avoid the danger of trying to manage tomorrow; instead, recognize God is availing his resources for our needs in the here and now.

Each day has sufficient trouble and we need our daily portion of God’s nourishment to sustain us throughout our battles. Live every moment to the max, experience your feelings, exchange anxiety for God’s transcendent peace and exercise the courage to be your most authentic self in every moment.

Ask God for your daily portion of the manna of peace which transcends all understanding.

Love: The Hope of the Holidays

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.   1 John 4:16 (NIV)

My wife, Sue, and I just returned from a Christmas get-a-way in Chicago. We spent a nourishing night and a day together while we shopped ‘til I dropped, enjoyed delicious food, and gazed in awe at the Chicago skyline while being mesmerized by Lake Michigan. Our surprising highlight was celebrating Advent at the Fourth Presbyterian Church on Michigan Avenue.

Stepping into this stunning cathedral, with every seat taken, immediately caught me off guard. In an instant, I went from worship to worry. We were a late and I was hoping to slip into the back of the church unnoticed. Before I could hang a u-turn and regroup, an attentive and forceful usher was leading us down the center isle while the service was in progress and instructing several parishioners to squish in to accommodate us. I was mortified and unsure how this all had happened so quickly. As I recovered from my shock I realized I was not breathing.

Sue wedged herself in first. I looked at the space remaining and knew there was not enough runway to land this plane. Not breathing was helpful as I, as inconspicuously as possible, wedged myself into the cubbyhole left for me at the end of the pew.  I felt like a Hummer being parked in a small car only space. I was so grateful that I had the presence of mind to rip my coat off while marching down the aisle; otherwise, I would never have been able to wedge myself in.

Within seconds of my insertion, my right leg had gone numb and the high end piece on the 100 year old oak pew was threatening to sever the brachial artery in my arm. At this state of shock, my only other concern was that when I get nervous I sweat abundantly. I am not the guy who has the oil spill under his arms—no, I am the one who looks like someone just turned the sprinklers on my balding head.

The next thing I remember hearing was the warmth and strength of the voice of John Buchanan, the Senior Pastor at Fourth Pres. He was introducing of all things a capital campaign. I found myself feeling a sense of love and experiencing a sense of peace flood over me. I knew Buchanan’s heart for relationships and his concern for those who were less fortunate. He was guiding his congregation to embrace the point where service, faith and love all came together.

Buchanan was creating an experience of God’s love that was precisely what my soul needed. How ironic, that in a style of worship I was not familiar and a church in which I was a guest, I felt myself calm down and experience the peace of God. I was safe and I was at home. I experienced the love, acceptance, and patience of God through our usher, my buddies in the pew, the community of saints, and my pastor for the morning.

I was reminded of the primacy of relationships and the irreplaceable foundation of love. I had a renewed vision for the work being done at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. At CLE we are encouraging and training each other to multiply our talents, fulfill our mission, and remind each other that he who lives in love lives in God, and God in him. I knew John Buchanan was not only my brother but my ally in the ministry of redemption. Until all know and experience the personal and unconditional love of God, we won’t rest.

John Buchanan closed his message with a beautiful poem:

I know that I have life

only insofoar as I have love.

I have no love

except it come from Thee.

Help me, please, to carry

this candle against the wind.

Wendell Berry

Let the Light Illuminate Your Life

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

Jesus, the great spiritual teacher, claimed to be the light of the world. He did not say he was a light or one of the lights. He said, “I am the light of the world.” This is an amazingly bold claim which requires faith to believe.  It is a statement of such scale that it cannot be proved. It must be believed or discarded. Without true light, all the counselors and therapists of the world would be lost.

Jesus did not claim to be the light of a select few. His proclamation was that he was the light of the world—He was the light of everyone. His invitation was to everyone, offering the light of life to everyone and anyone who would follow him. He said he was the light of life, not the light of day or the light of dawn.  Jesus said he was the light of life. Like our purpose at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment, Jesus’ intention was that everyone would live life abundantly and he understood that to accomplish his mission each of us needs spiritual illumination.                                                                                           

Light reflects one of our most fundamental needs, along with warmth, shelter and clothing. I often remember the initial surge of fear I experience when there is a sudden power outage at night.  Power outages during the day are inconvenient–the clocks stop, the lights don’t work and the garage door opener is inoperable. It is a nuisance; however, when the power goes out at night, it can be terrifying. When we are thrust into darkness, we frantically scramble to find flashlights, matches and candles.  We do not rest or feel safe until we can see.  Dim is tolerable. Pitch black is unbearable.

Yet, many of us are comfortable living in the darkness when it comes to knowing the truth about ourselves. We live with the lies we tell ourselves as well as with those we accept from others. To grow, we have to embrace the truth and the light. We are living in darkness when we are unwilling to know the truth about ourselves. It is insanity; however, often we feel most comfortable when we are most in danger. Denial slowly takes over our senses and deceives us into believing we are safe when we are actually in harm’s way.

Jesus also claimed to be the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). Light and truth are like twins, most often seen together in sacred teachings. They provide both illumination and guidance. I must know where I am in order to get to where I want to be. The most effective way to learn the truth about myself is through the feedback of others. I spent countless hours poring over the scriptures by myself only to discover that the honest feedback of others was the most instructive source of light about myself.

Find a truthful and supportive community like the Center for Christian Life Enrichment in order to surround yourself with others who will care for and support you with the truth in love.

For What Do You Hunger?

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35 (NIV)

How many of our hearts were moved with compassion seeing the dazed and hurting people after the devastating earthquake in Haiti? To make matters worse, how painful was it to empathize with those parents who could not provide food, water and shelter for their children. The fear of being that powerless and dependent is more than many of us are willing to even imagine.
We recognize the magnitude of our most basic needs when we go without them. It is certain that we will all at some time go without what we want and others of us may face going without what we need. All these experiences heighten our awareness of our dependence on others.
Jesus came to both unveil as well as underscore our hunger. Our hungers are reflected in our need for air, food, water, clothing and shelter. Yet, Jesus knew that underlying all our basic survival needs are our even more fundamental yearnings for relationship—and ultimately our relationship with God. Jesus quoted from Deuteronomy saying, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” (Matt 4:4) Jesus was not being dualistic, arguing that we shouldn’t care about food. He was saying that in the same way we hunger for bread and water, our souls also yearn for communion with our Heavenly Father.
When Jesus declared that he was the bread of life, he was saying that his purpose and passion was to feed us. Like any parent, he longed to provide for us the food and water we need to sustain our souls. Jesus declared that if we will only come to him, then he will be our food and water. He claims that he himself is our nourishment and sustenance. A dependent and intimate relationship with God is our pipeline to the abundant life which God has promised. Jesus said, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)
If we will only come to him, like any decent parent on the planet, he will embrace us and provide for us the nourishment we need. Many of us fear the very intimacy we crave. We say we believe that God loves us, yet, our fear and resentment keep us away. We want to be self sufficient. We don’t want to believe we need anyone. We see dependence as weakness. We don’t want to feel again the pain of disappointment, rejection or abandonment.
Jesus said, “And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.” (Luke 12:29-31) Jesus acknowledges our hunger but challenges us to put it in perspective. He tells his followers to not only seek him but to seek his kingdom. Seeking him suggests we are acknowledging our yearning for relationship with him. Seeking his kingdom, means that we strive to live by his principles and fulfill his purposes on earth.
Jesus invited us to live a life of faith in him. A faith not in the seen but rather in the unseen. A life lived in dependence on him and his principles to be our bread and water. A life lived not for safety or security. Instead, a life lived by faith according to the principles and purposes of God. His principles and practices are summed up in one word, love. The Apostle Paul wrote, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” (Gal 5:6)
Jesus exhorted us saying, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.” (Matt 5:6) Embrace the bread of life and love one another.

Authentic Intimacy: An Encounter with Truth

But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.”
Luke 19:8-10 (NIV)

A rare privilege in life is to have a relationship with someone who sees you accurately with positive regard and still accepts you unconditionally. This is a relationship founded upon truth and authenticity. How extraordinary to be seen by another as having all the resources needed to become the person God has envisioned you to be. This is what every child needs to receive from his or her parents.
This is the story of my initiation into authentic intimacy. I was in my 30’s, having graduated top in my Master’s degree program and successfully practicing therapy for two years. I pursued on opportunity to receive training in group therapy that I thought would round out my resume. I didn’t think I really needed to be in group for myself—I was just learning the skills necessary to be a more effective group facilitator. I was working with Bob Wright, one of the leading therapists in Chicago. I knew he was an exceptional therapist, yet, I was a bit uneasy around him. I felt like he could see through me and I knew he didn’t trust me. I considered myself to be the only Christian in the group and I felt it was part of my mission to lead everyone back to God, including Bob.
After group one afternoon, early into my group life, I saw Bob walking forcefully in my direction. He had an unusual power about him and was unlike anyone I had ever known. I did not understand why I was so terrified of being in a group led by him. What was the big deal? I had been effectively leading groups for years. I was so scared I actually dreaded going to group and felt sick to my stomach each week as the day and time for group grew closer.
Bob was charging down the hall and I was getting that sick feeling that he was coming for me. The next thing I knew, I was up against the wall and Bob was screaming in my face. It was like an out of body experience. Time was suspended and I was hearing every word he was saying with clear precision. I felt torn about what was happening. On the one hand, I was twice his size and wanted to flick him off me and toss him out the window of the high rise we were meeting in. On the other hand, this wild man spitting out his judgments, was seeing me more accurately than anyone else had ever seen me before. What he was saying to me was true. He was loving me with the truth.
Here’ a few of the truths that changed my life. Bob was confronting me on my refusal to be genuine. I was putting on a façade of niceness that was intended to manipulate others into liking me. I was out of touch with and unwilling to express my hurt and anger. I was constantly withholding my judgments and acting superior to him and the other people around me. I saw myself as being the only one who had true faith, acting like I had the inside track to having an authentic relationship with God. I was out of touch with my true self and my feelings. I was not mature enough to experience the kind of intimate and faith-filled relationship I thought I had with God.
I identified with Zaccheus the tax collector in his encounter with Jesus (Luke 19). Zaccheus climbed the tree to see Jesus, yet, in reality, his deeper need was to be seen by Jesus. I had sought out help from Bob because I believed he would see me and help me transform my life. In spite of all of Zaccheus’ wrongdoings, Jesus reached out to him and asked to stay at his home. It was my hope that Bob would help me even though he knew I was hiding behind a façade of niceness, superiority and pseudo-spirituality.
Like Jesus, Bob invited me into a deeper and more authentic relationship with myself. Like Jesus, Bob went out on a limb to befriend what others in his world considered to be an extremely dangerous person—a fundamentalist Christian. Bob had hope for me—he had a vision of who I could become and how I could meaningfully impact the world and the church. Like Zaccheus, I was inspired by his faith in me and dedicated my life to becoming the most genuine, faith-filled, and compassionate Christ-follower I could be.

God and Me–Down and Dirty

Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith

This letter to God was written by one of the clients at CLE who is striving to have a more truthful, genuine, and intimate relationship with God. He is demonstrating the faith and courage to tell it like it is instead of perpetuating his attempts to manipulate God with his artificial fronts and facades. Be both shocked as well as inspired by his authenticity. Notice how uncomfortable you may feel when there are no simple solutions offered. Remember, you cannot become who you want to be unless you are willing to tell the truth about who you are right now.

God and Me–Down and Dirty

I don’t know you.

I don’t know if I can know you.

Sure, I have professed to have a personal relationship with God through his Son, Jesus Christ, the exact representation of God in human form.  But what does that mean?

I acted like I knew you. I acted like I knew all about you.  I told others how to know you, how to pray, how to behave and how to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  What a crock.  I have used You to feed my own superiority and need to matter to others.  I have used You as a way to give my life some meaning and purpose.  I have used You to have an excuse for not taking personal responsibility for my life.  I have said it was not Your will when disappointed or when I have failed to live up to my potential.  I have prayed about things rather than act responsibly.  And I have angered others with my know-it-all pomposity.

When I was little I feared You.  If I did not behave like a good boy, I knew you would punish me.  If I fought with my sisters you would make sure I was beaten by my dad.  If I stole something, I would be whipped with a belt.  You caught me all the time.  When no one else was looking, You knew.  And because you knew, you would see to it that I was punished.   I wanted You to save me and I was too afraid of you to believe You actually would.

If I could get this formula right, perhaps I could find a way to please you.  Maybe if I read about kind, gentle St. Francis of Assisi who was loved even by the animals, who was canonized by the church and a model of love and compassion.  Maybe, if I tried really hard to be like him, I could get close to You and You would save me.  As hard as I tried, I could not be like him.  I could not be kind and loving.  I was still angry, afraid and hurt.

Maybe if I learned the Mass in Latin and served as an altar boy you would find me acceptable.  If I got up early and served at the 6 am service every day of the week you would love me.  I still feel empty.  The music and the incense and the stained glass windows – the tabernacle and the genuflecting and all of the vestments made me think I was getting closer to you.  Not so much.  I was still scared, and angry and hurt. It all became empty ritual.  Why would I continue to do these things when I still hurt inside?  I was afraid of the priests and the nuns and the mistakes I would make.  It was all mysterious and scary.  Who are You that you would terrorize a child with more guilt and more shame and more fear?

God who are you?

What do you want from me?   WHAT DO YOU WANT!  Why won’t you tell me?

I am alone and on my own.  I want to be seen by others but I am afraid. I want to see others and support them, but I can’t even see past my own stuff.   I get in my way all the time.

Why did you make me like this?   Why won’t you help me change?  Why can I not love my wife and children the way I want to? Why do I push them away when I want more than anything to have them close?  Did you make a mistake with me? Do you hate me?  Am I that bad?

What can I do to make you love me?  How can I make it better?

How?

The Truth Will Set You Free

I was a participant on a weekend retreat whose aim was to equip me to be more honest and live more in integrity. I found myself packed into a small room with my team waiting to have our performance evaluated on a series of projects we had completed. There were facilitators present who had been monitoring our work as a team. They were there to empower us to examine the extent to which we operated in good faith, living true to our commitments, principles and values.
I was angry and scared. I felt like I was back in the Principal’s office, terrified that I was going to get in trouble. I realized I spent most of my life trying to be good and do everything right in order to avoid getting punished. I had made it a point to protect myself by working harder than others and doing everything I could with excellence. I avoided working on teams because I ended up feeling responsible for other people’s work. As my upset grew, I began to ask myself, “Why in the world did I sign up for a retreat on truthfulness and accountability?”
Time passed and I began to feel a bit calmer and let down my guard. Then, out of the blue, one of the facilitators asked who on our team was responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. In that instant, it seemed as if I was a prisoner caught trying to escape and the spotlight was pointed right at me. Oh no! Everything shifted to slow motion and I was on the hot seat and my buns were going to fry! I had blown it.
That morning, I had made it a point to outwork all the other members on my team. I had been very productive and I was angry with those who were slackers. We were responsible to clean the building we were meeting in. Near the end of our work time, one of the slackers asked me to make a final sweep of the bathrooms and I had forgotten to do it. It was my fault! I was the culprit and now I was in trouble.
In an instant, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had blown it and left myself open to get in trouble. How could I defend myself? Didn’t it make a difference that I had done so much more than everyone else on my team? I had worked the hardest and had done the most and didn’t that count for something?
Over the next couple hours, the facilitators along with my team members attempted to help me to admit the truth that I was at fault. They wanted me to tell the truth that I had failed to follow through on what I committed to do. I felt like they wanted me to admit I had lied and my defense was that I had simply forgotten. In my mind, they wanted to blame, shame and punish me.
Later I would see that my inability to love and accept myself was preventing me from admitting that I had made a mistake. How could I be wrong and stay on my own side? What I feared they wanted to do to me was in fact what I had been doing to myself for years. I was my own harshest critic. My attempts to defend myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stubborn defensiveness was what caused others to want to punish me–not my failure to clean the bathrooms!
Gradually, their persistent broke through my resistance. I realized that they were investing in me and not trying to beat me up. They were determined to help me see what was true and at the same time accept myself. Admitting I was wrong and accepting that I had fallen short was something I had rarely done. Historically, my strategy had been to try and be perfect so that no one could ever punish me again.
My breakdown along with their commitment to truth became the gateway to my experience of grace and forgiveness. My willingness to put myself in a situation where I would be seen and held accountable opened the door for me to experience a deeper level of self-acceptance and grace. My strategy to avoid making mistakes at all costs was robbing me of the joy of discovering that the world was both a classroom and a playground in which I could try new things, make mistakes, learn, and grow.