Tag Archives: Christian

4 Steps to Revitalize Your Marriage

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    A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  John 13:34

 

Marriage. It is fun and exciting at first; however, it is much more challenging to nurture and grow over the long haul. Falling in love and deciding to get married is like parachuting for the first time. Initially your decision of whether or not to parachute is filled with terror, excitement, and anticipation. All the focus is on whether or not you will actually go through with it and whether or not you will survive.

 

Once the wedding is over, now what? Couples cope with the transition from engagement to marriage differently. Some panic and frantically try to keep the drama going.  They are seeking another high like they had when they were courting. They want to date instead of dig in and develop their relationship. Others shuffle ahead in their relationship as if they were on autopilot.  They mindlessly move forward, establishing their careers, having children, and struggling to be the best parents they can be. Whether we seek the dating high or the deadness of numbing out, all of us can benefit greatly by practicing a few basic strategies.

 

All of our marriages will benefit from some coaching and guidance. We seem more equipped to find a mate and less prepared to know what to do once we are married. Most people do not seek out help until there is some breakdown of significance. All of us want marriages that are better than our parents’; however, eventually we realize that we have our parents’ marriage.

 

I want to introduce you to four principles (F-E-A-R) that I believe make up the foundation of healthy, growing and vital relationships. I will briefly introduce each of the principles and elaborate on them in future blogs. At CLE, we have proven that practicing these principles will transform your relationships with yourself, with others, and with God.

 

FEEL

 

Feelings are the language of the heart. Our hearts are moved when we are touched by meaningful experiences and encounters. When our hearts are moved, feelings are released. Although feelings occur naturally, most of us have learned to deny and numb ourselves to our feelings. To renew and revitalize our relationships we must reconnect with our hearts and our feelings.

 

EXPRESS

 

As you become increasingly aware of your feelings, the next step is to express them. Experiencing your feelings without expressing them is both unhealthy and stingy. Feelings are to be both experienced and expressed. Feelings enable our hearts to become attached to each other.  Feelings expressed build safety, comfort and closeness with others. Expressing our feelings floods your relationships with energy, joy and aliveness. Expressing our feelings helps us connect with our deepest hungers.

 

ATTACH

 

Attachment is the process infants go through when they bond with their mothers. For a child to develop a healthy sense of attachment they need to be accurately perceived in the here and now, with positive regard, consistently, and unconditionally. As adults and especially as partners, we need our attachment needs met continually. We don’t top needing to be seen and heard ever. We not only need to feel and express ourselves; we need to provide a safe haven for our spouses to feel and express themselves.

 

RISK

 

Take action. Feel, express, and engage with your partner. Listen to them, learn what they want and need, and give it to them. Risk feeling awkward and doing something that might not feel comfortable. Take the initiative and lead in your relationship. Both partners need to think of how they can invest in their marriage as well as building into themselves.

 

 

Watch for the upcoming blogs where we will unpack the importance of each of these strategies: Feel/Express/Attach/Risk. Love one another.

 

 

Friendships: The Most Worthwhile Investments

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Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13 

 

Relational unrest and breakdown is all around us and has hit close to home. Recently, we were surprised to see moving vans in front of the house of our next-door neighbors. They were a young couple with three kids. We later learned that they were going through a messy divorce. We never even knew they were struggling. Last week we were shocked to see the police surrounding the house of another neighbor two doors down from us. A domestic disturbance led to a five-hour siege with SWAT teams converging on this older couple’s home. We had no idea they were having any trouble. Sadly, the husband committed suicide.

 

Relationships are a mixed bag. We experience the most intense pain as well as the most meaningful pleasure in our relationships with others. From the moment of our conception, people are surrounding us. Conception initiates a relationship in which the fetus is completely dependent on his or her maternal host for existence. From start to finish, we cannot live without each other.

 

Admittedly, our survival is dependent on other people; however, without meaningful and nourishing relationships, we only exist and fail to experience the fullness of life. If we desire to have the abundant life that God wishes for each of us (John 10:10), we must cultivate our capacities and sharpen our skills for engaging authentically and meaningfully with others.

 

Relationships are a function of how we relate to ourselves. We are the living channel through which we relate to others. How we see, feel about, and treat ourselves matters—it impacts how we interface with others. Much like how the diet of a breast-feeding mother influences the digestion of her baby, so how we relate with ourselves influences how we will attach with others.

 

Many of us take our people skills for granted, mistakenly assuming that our capacity to connect meaningfully with each other is automatic—it is as if relating to each other were a part of our autonomic nervous system. Most of us will spend at least sixteen years investing in our education; yet, how many of us will even spend a couple hours with a counselor or life coach to enhance our friendships. We assume that we should naturally know how to relate effectively with others. Patently untrue.

 

It is a fact that we will all have relationships; however, what is in question is the quality and depth of our relationships. Relationships are on a continuum, from schizoid and splintered to intimate and interdependent. We have the choice as well as the responsibility to decide whether we want to have mediocre relationships or fulfilling friendships.

 

How we relate to others is heavily influenced by the quality and characteristics of the relationships we had with our parents and our siblings. It would behoove us all to take a second look at the health of our relationships within our family of origin. No family is perfect—all are filled with a blend of hurtful and healthy experiences.  The wise person is the one who learns from their past and practices for his or her future. As you learn and grow you can increase your capacity for intimacy with others. You attract more relationships and build more nourishing and genuine friendships.

 

Please join me for a free webinar at 12:30 CST on Wednesday, January 4, in which I will be introducing some of the key concepts about friendships from my new book, Grappling with God: Renew Your Relationship and Deepen Your Faith. The 25 minute webinar is entitled, “7 Steps for Genuine Friendships.”  Register @ https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/466304954.

Courageously Committing

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 “The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred… unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.”  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

 

Meaningful decisions that lead to personal transformation begin with courageous commitment and are brought to completion with burning desire and determined dedication.  This is one of the most important principles a person can learn in life. Many people wait for God to move and then they act. We have found at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment (CLE) that having the faith to risk stepping out into the unknown triggers the collaborative assistance of God.

 

Living by faith demands that we take risks and are willing to live our lives as an adventure in learning. Carol Dweck’s research on living with a growth mindset says that if we are not taking risks and making mistakes then we are not learning to our capacity. For some, learning came to a halt when they stopped going to school. I believe God designed us to be lifelong learners. We need to be living our lives in such a way that we are continually learning and growing. Taking risks, making mistakes, and incorporating the lessons learned is the formula for expanding faith and living increasingly fruitful lives.

 

I think of the growth mindset as the foundation for living by faith, recognizing that God is more concerned about our development and maturation than He is in us getting everything right. God is not a neurotic perfectionistic control-freak who is obsessed with us doing everything correctly. Instead, I believe God is a guide, mentor, coach, teacher and father who wants us to learn, grow, risk, and make mistakes in the pursuit of learning and living an abundant life. His plan is that we live courageously and learn from our mistakes as we become like His son, Jesus.

 

I have been inspired by the testimony of this courageous teenager whose speech I shared in my last blog post (Celebrating Courage and Commitment). Her dedication to learn and grow is highlighted by the fact that when she went out for cross country as a freshman in high school, she was out of shape and had never run competitively. She saw her life as an adventure and she wanted more. She knew she needed something and she understood that it was her responsibility to go out and get it. She wasn’t waiting for life to come to her. Somehow, she understood that it was her job to take risks and pursue opportunities.

 

She identified that distance running was interesting and valuable and she went out for the team. She knew she was inexperienced and was not unusually gifted athletically. Her success was the result of her initial commitment, her ongoing dedication and practice, her care for and investment in her teammates, and the support of her team and community. She led with her hunger and her character instead of her talent. She was quickly recognized as a leader and contributor on the team even though she was never one of the top atheletes.

 

This story is especially touching to me because I have lived with the mistaken belief that only those who are the best athletically are winners. My value as a human being has been a function of a host of external measures of success. For me, historically my success has been an illusive prey. When I first competed in a sport, my worth and value depended on whether I made the team. Once I made the team, the issue then became whether I would earn a starting position. Once I became a starter, then the question was whether I would earn all-league honors. If I made all league, then the concern would be whether I earned all state honors.  The measurement of my worth and value continued to move beyond what I could ever achieve. The net result was at some point I would fail to reach the goal and achieve the recognition. Was I now a failure?

 

All of these goals share the quality of having an external locus of control. They are all outside of the person and represent some form of external accomplishment and validation. The issue is not what you yourself value; instead, the issue becomes what those outside of you decide are the measures of success. Those objectives, like the rabbit at the dog track, eventually end up being beyond our grasp.

 

What inspires me in this story is that this young lady may have never won a race. Her last race was a PR (short, for personal record time). Her best time may never have resulted in her placing in a race. What then was she running for?  Instead of winning, she was competing. Instead of being the best, she was working hard. Instead of being the star, she was more interested in serving the team. She led from the pack instead of from the front. She earned her position as team captain based on her character as well as her commitment to the well being of her teammates.

 

This young lady is an inspirational transformational leader.  She is learning the power of living from principles instead of from performance. She is learning how to experience the joy and nourishment resulting from living true to her heart’s desires.

Celebrating Courage and Commitment

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(This speech was written by the daughter of one of our CLE families. She is a senior at a local high school and was delivering this speech to her Cross Country teammates, parents and coaches at their end of season banquet. I hope you are inspired by her intitiative, courage, dedication and leadership. Her parents have paved the way through their own dedication to personal transformation for her to truly excel and flourish in life.)

  Four years, 196 practices, 36 races. For the four-year seniors here, that is what we have completed. It feels like forever, and has flown by at the same time. It has been an unforgettable experience that has done so much to shape me into who I am today. That is why, after crossing the finish line for the last time at the confer- ence race, I burst into tears. I had just had the best race of my life. At every turn there were my coaches, my teammates and my parents cheering for me. Ari my running buddy, was by my side, like always, silently rooting me on. I consciously refused to let fear enter my thoughts during a race for the first time I can remember. Instead I focused on how strong I felt, how strong the past four years had made me.

And now it’s over. This is the end of something great. I can only hope that in the future each of us can find something that we can once again love so fiercely, dedicate ourselves to so completely and can push us so hard and let us grow so much. And can most importantly, give us the gift of an amazing community, full of people who lift each other up to reach their individual goals. This is what Cross Country has done for me. It turned me from a shy, out of shape freshman who could barely run a half-mile on my first day, into a competitive runner and a captain who is surrounded by a massive group of girls whom I love. These girls have celebrated with me in my accomplishments, consoled me in my frustrations and pushed me to do things I never thought I could.

I had the time of my life with all of you and will always treasure the memories we made. But the Cross Country era will never end. While the season may, the spirit of the team will live on within each of us. Thank you for an incredible four years that will live on forever.

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

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“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7,8

 

 

 

My adventure of writing my first book was nearing the finish line. I had an editor with a prestigious publishing house presenting Grappling with God to his editorial committee. I could taste it. He told me that on Monday they would discuss my proposal and get back to me right away. I was so excited and hopeful. I began allowing myself to anticipate success. I felt like a kid on the days leading up to Christmas.

 

Monday came and went. I noticed how I was making up all kinds of stories to explain why my editor hadn’t gotten back to me. “The meeting ran late and there was no time to call me,” or “They needed more time to draw up the contract.” Tuesday passed and I started feeling a low-grade concern. I started wondering whether I had misunderstood the date or that possibly they had had to postpone the meeting. I was afraid to call and find out. I didn’t want to come off too pushy, too needy, or too excited. I didn’t want to upset or offend him. I didn’t want to know.

 

I was getting more and more restless. I started searching the social media sites to see if I could find out where he was and what he was doing. Sure enough, I discovered he was in Germany at the Frankfurt Book Fair. I experienced some relief knowing that he was out of the country. I fantasized he was pitching my book at the world’s largest and most prestigious book fair? Maybe, he wasn’t able to be at the committee meeting and they were not able to discuss Grappling with God?

 

It was now ten days later. I couldn’t rationalize waiting and hiding out any longer. I carefully crafted an email and sent it to him. A short time later I received his email apologizing for not getting back to me sooner and explaining that the committee had decided not to publish my book. I was so disappointed and in a state of shock.

 

It was as if I was playing football and someone had just knocked the wind out of me. I found myself feeling embarrassed, looking around to see if anyone knew that I had been rejected again. I told myself that I had to pick myself up and act as if nothing had happened. I immediately threw myself into plan B, sending an email to a highly regarded literary agent who had agreed to represent me if this publishing company rejected my book.  I was determined to not let this get me down.

 

Underneath my can-do attitude, I was really hurting. I felt all the painful feelings at once, as if I was tasting ing an emotional fruit smoothie. It was several hours later, as I was driving to work that I realized I was angry. I found myself building a case against the editor for how unprofessional and unkind it was to not have contacted me when he knew ten days earlier.

 

I am happy to say that I was conscious of my reactivity and aware of the grieving process I was going through. I knew I was experiencing the loss of my book being rejected again. As I found myself building a case against the editor and making him bad, I knew that he was not the problem—I was hurt and disappointed. It was no ones fault. I was having a hard time admitting to myself that I was hurt. I wanted to blame instead of feel. I wanted to try and regain a sense of being in control.

 

The next morning I was in my CLE pastors group and sharing with the pastors my disappointment. One of them interrupted my story and asked me why I never called the acquisition editor on Monday. It was as if the scales fell from my eyes. I suddenly grasped that I had authored my suffering. I was not a victim. In that moment, I understood that on the surface I didn’t call him sooner because I was afraid to appear too excited or too pushy and risk offending him. The deeper truth was that I was afraid to find out what the decision was. I was more comfortable waiting and magically hoping that they would choose my book.

 

I saw how I was operating as a child. Fearing I was too much, as a young boy I learned how to muffle and mute my hunger and enthusiasm. I learned how to manage others and make every effort to please them. I lost myself and was hiding out behind a mask of inauthenticity. For years I had been hiding my hurt and mastering the art of covering up my genuine thoughts and feelings.

The truth had set me free. Writing the book was tough—trying to get it published was an even more threatening challenge. Naturally, I wanted it to be easy. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to feel special. God wanted to wrestle with me—to use this opportunity to revitalize our relationship and teach me what it means to live by faith. THe abundant life offered by God is lived authentically and courageously  in the here and now.

The Authority of Authenticity

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The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law. (Mark 1:27)

 

I want my life to have meaning and my words to have impact.  “Greater works than these shall we do,” promises Jesus. What is my greater work?

 

Jesus had a presence that caused others to stop, look, and listen to what he was saying. I believe one of the critical qualities that bolstered Jesus’ personal power was his authenticity. Jesus was genuine. You may not have liked what he was saying; however, I believe you would have been compelled to wrestle with what he said. Grappling with truth does not guarantee following it. Like many, you might have chosen to deny and dismiss what he said.

 

Jesus’ parable of the soils (Mt. 13) teaches that the seeds of truth often don’t fall on good soil and bear fruit.  Truth sown does not guarantee truth grown. It is not sufficient to simply sow seeds of truth—the truth sown needs to be watered, fertilized, and cultivated. Listening and digesting truth requires intention and courage. It demands character to be willing to be disturbed by the gap between where you are and where you want to be. It takes faith to live in the not knowing—to refuse the comfort felt when we hide behind the façade of certainty.

 

Jesus radiated the penetrating property of unconflicted truth spoken from a heart of integrity. Jesus was all in, sold out, and absolutely dedicated to living the message he preached. His message was truth and his life was about love; loving his Father and loving each of us. Jesus knew there could be no love without truth. His words were truth spoken in love. His truth satisfied the hunger of a heart longing for love and authenticity.

 

Jesus also understood that to grow we much know the truth about ourselves; however, maybe the most important element to growth was the context in which the truth was shared. The ideal conditions for growth are authentic relationships. It is the living and being together moment-by-moment that promotes to the seeds of truth sown finding their way to the good soil. The transforming power is in our authenticity lived out existentially—moment by moment in the here and now of life.

 

Who are you, really? What do you feel so passionate about that you are willing to take a stand for? How often do you give in to the urge to conform instead of express your truest self? Too often we alter personas or positions, like a chameleon switches colors, attempting to blend in with our environment. We give in to being spectators instead of prophets—those who hide out in the stands don’t run the risk of getting hurt in the game.

 

We all fear rejection and want to fit in and at times do everything possible to avoid standing out and risking being seen. We are all tempted to take the shortcut of conformity rather than risk the rejection that may come when we tell the truth. Many of us numb our aliveness so that we don’t risk thinking outside the box. We don’t want to admit having any seditious thoughts that would disturb the guardians of the status quo.

 

Patricia Raybon speaks of her struggle with being authentic in her book, My First White Friend: Confessions on Race, Love and Forgiveness. Raybon writes, “So my hair was ironed and my speech was clipped and my manners were bound and chaste and perfect. Thus I was comfortable to them—but a stranger to myself. That “self” was pushed so far down behind my façade she had nearly perished, suffocated under the weight of my duplicity.”

 

I identify so strongly with her desperate hunger to fit in that was waging war with her need to be genuine and live true to herself. The cost of conformity is that we become strangers to ourselves. We end up forgetting who we really are because we are so accustomed to being our adapted self. Our false self, that social chameleon, lives at the level of survival, striving simply to fit in.

 

How many of us feel with Patricia, that we are being crushed under the weight of our duplicity? Hearing the word duplicity gives me an ache in my soul. I am painfully aware of how two-faced I am. Too often I choose the path of comfort and safety instead of choosing courageously to live in integrity and express what is true for me

 

It is time for you to come out. Discover the authentic you. Experience what you feel and express what you believe—affirm what is true for you in the moment. We all need to uncover what is most true about us and sow our seeds broadly. Strive for authenticity in pursuit of integrity. Choose to engage authentically as you live in community. When you are living authentically and expressing responsibly you will be agents of transformation.