Tag Archives: CLE

Responsibility

(This is an exerpt from the seventh chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This chapter emphasizes the importance of living by the principle of responsibility.)


 

Living responsibly stretches us into new ways of thinking and acting. It is not always easy, and we will fall back into our old ways of victimhood time and again. When we feel too vulnerable or we are unable to deal with our sadness or fear, we will probably act out. When this occurs we must be careful not to victimize ourselves by being too self-critical. We take responsibility for what we’ve said or done, make amends if necessary, and move on. No matter how often we miss the mark, our efforts become their own reward. What is most important is engagement in the process. This is a core value at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment where we strive to live authentically practicing living by principles such as responsibility.

A few years ago, my father had a serious stroke at the age of ninety-three. He had always been a very strong man who had survived numerous illnesses including cancer, diabetes, and alcoholism. Nothing, it seemed, could knock him down. Therefore, when my brother, Bob, called me on a Tuesday afternoon to tell me that Dad was in the hospital, my immediate reaction was that he would recover. I simply did not take this episode that seriously.

When I called my wife to tell her what had happened, I suggested we leave for California on the weekend to spend a few days with Dad. By then, I thought to myself, he would probably be back at home. My perception changed, however, when Bob called me back a few hours later. Tests performed at the hospital showed that Dad had suffered a catastrophic stroke. Now I knew I had to get to him as soon as I could.

Fortunately, Sue was a step ahead of me and had already become investigating flights that would get us to California before the weekend. We booked two seats for a Thursday afternoon departure. On Thursday, as Sue and I left for the airport, I had peace of mind, knowing that soon I would be with Dad, which would comfort both of us. Over many years of personal growth work, I had been able to process and clear up old hurts and resentments, which allowed me to love and accept my father just as he was. I did not have unfinished business with him.

We arrived at the airport with no trouble on Thursday. We found a parking place and made it through security easily. At the gate, however, we learned that our flight was delayed for two hours. Even this unexpected delay did not dampen my optimism that I’d have some time to spend with Dad. All I wanted was a few moments with him, to hold his hand and talk to him.

While I was at the gate, Bob called me on my cell phone to tell me that Dad’s condition had deteriorated further. Still convinced that I would make it there before Dad died, I asked Bob to hold the phone up to Dad’s ear so I could talk to him. I assured Dad that I would be there in four or five hours. Although my father could not communicate, other than to make unintelligible sounds, I knew he heard me.

Comforted by the knowledge that Dad had heard my voice and understood that I would see him soon, I waited patiently at the gate. Then Bob called again. The moment I heard my brother’s voice, I could tell something was not right.

“Dad has passed,” he told me.

My first response was rage. “Passed?” I thought to myself, feeling a wave of anger rip through my body. “What a stupid word. We don’t talk like that. Dad didn’t pass! What is he, a car on the highway? He died. Dad is dead!”

Despite these reactionary thoughts racing through my brain, I kept up a normal conversation with Bob. I asked him how Mom was doing and told him that I’d keep him updated when I knew more about our flight departure. When I hung up the phone, however, I was immediately aware of just how much anger I felt. I was enraged and wanted to retaliate against someone for how badly I felt. The obvious target was my brother—the “messenger” of the news I had not wanted to hear.

Instead of acting on these feelings and impulses, however, I stayed with them in order to gather the insight they offered. As Sue and I wanted for the flight, which was delayed for several more hours, I ruminated on what I was feeling and why. I realized that my anger had nothing to do with what Bob said to me and his use of the word “passed” instead of “died.” Rather, I had entered into the grieving process, which was new to me personally. Never before had I experienced the death of someone so close to me. Since I was in the initial phase of grieving, my anger and sadness were understandable. There was another dynamic at work here as well. I recognized that I also felt guilty for not being there when Dad died, and I felt jealous that Bob had been the one to be with him. I was shaming myself for being the brother who moved away instead of being like Bob who lived near our parents. In short, I was a victim of my upset, Bob’s word choice, and my own guilt and shame.

As I untangled the knot of feelings inside me, I recognized the choice presented to me. I could choose to be a victim and, in response, to punish my brother for how I was feeling in an attempt to feel powerful again. Or, I could choose responsibility, which meant feeling all of my feelings, including the ones that made me uncomfortable, and expressing them responsibly. In other words, I could dive into the “Drama Triangle” through the point labeled “victim,” or I could take a higher road to what I call the Responsibility Triangle.

 

Befriending Fear

(This is an exerpt from the fourth chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This chapter emphasizes the importance of learning how to feel, express and integrate fear.)

 

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” (Romans 8:15)

 

Fear is uncomfortable for most of us. When we experience fear, we recoil; it’s a natural response. It’s hard to take a step willingly toward fear, especially when there is an alternative route—even if it means retreating. Going back is often more appealing than stepping forward. By refusing to confront our fears, however, we shut out the possibility of having a bigger life with more experiences that stretch and challenge us beyond the tidy borders of our comfort zone. Although there are times when we should heed our fears, such as when there is a very real and imminent danger, too often we are submissive to our fears. Doing so keeps us small and limited. As “slaves again to fear,” as Paul wrote (Romans 8:15) we banish ourselves to scarcity, instead of dwelling in abundance. At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment, we are supporting everyone in our community to feel and express their emotions, especially when they feel afraid.

The way forward is to become comfortable with fear—what I call “befriending fear.” Exploring and expressing our fear allows us to discern between a real danger and a limiting belief that may very well stem from childhood. But first, we have to feel our fear, which is something many of us have avoided for years. Many of us have become detached from our feelings; we’re so shut down that we’re numb inside. Therefore, in this chapter and subsequent ones we need to be aware of what it means to feel a particular feeling, such as by paying attention to our bodies. Physical cues such as a knot in our gut, our hearts racing, or tightness in our bodies tell us what we are feeling even when we can’t register them on an emotional level.

When I was a young man, I was in such a state of denial about my feelings that I could not admit the amount of fear I had. Instead, I buried my fear by doing the exact opposite. I was drawn to highly physical and even violent sports, such as football. I played fearlessly. When I or a teammate got hurt, I became even more aggressive. Assuming the hurt inflicted was the result of malicious intent, I responded as if I were in a life-or-death scenario; only one of us was going to survive and it was going to be me. I didn’t stop until I exacted revenge.

Looking back, I realize that I was scared most of the time—not in the sense of biting my nails and cowering in the corner. Rather, I experienced a sense of dread that existed at a low, but ever-present level all the time—a kind of hyper-vigilance intended to protect me from ever getting hurt again. My basic survival instincts overrode even the moral and spiritual teachings about being loved that I had learned and embraced as a new Christian.

I couldn’t see at the time how my outlook on life—that people were dangerous and wanted to hurt me—was affecting my relationships with others and with God. I might be able to say “Jesus loves me,” but I was still living as if God was out to get me. Deep down, I was afraid to really trust anyone, especially God. This was a place of extreme scarcity.

Much of this was happening on an unconscious level. I didn’t know I was in near-constant fear because I didn’t know what fear actually felt like.  I had become so shut down to my emotions that I did not equate the churning in my gut or breaking out in a cold sweat as physical signals that I was experiencing fear.

In time, as I became more aware of my fear, my first instinct was to find out how to get rid of it! As far as I was concerned, all this fear served no purpose in my life. So I tried to make a “dirty deal” (meaning, “I will do this if you will do that”) with God. As I saw it, if I did enough personal growth work, went to enough counseling sessions, and attended enough retreats, God would take away my fear. To my surprise, the exact opposite happened. The more personal growth work I did, the more conscious I became of all my feelings including fear. The more I felt my feelings, the more alive I felt. The more alive I became, the more I felt my feelings. This cycle of my feelings leading to more aliveness and vice versa eventually allowed me to escape the scarcity of my life and led me to the promise of abundance.

 

Hurt and Sadness

(This is an exerpt from the fifth chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This chapter emphasizes the importance of learning how to feel, express and process hurt and sadness.)

 

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

— Psalm 126:5

 

The day Charlie left for the Navy, I thought I would die. I was five years old at the time and Charlie, who was fourteen years my senior, was more than a brother to me. He was a father figure, befriending me and playing with me, making up for what my father could not give me. The relationship between Dad and Charlie had always been contentious, so for my brother, enlisting in the Navy was a way of extricating himself from a painful dynamic.

As a young child, I could not understand what was happening or why. All I knew was that Charlie was leaving, and all his promises of seeing me again and sending me postcards meant nothing. All I knew was this aching loss I felt inside. As Charlie drove away, I stood in the driveway, waving long after his car was out of sight. I was inconsolable. This was a time when the support of a Christian counselor would have been so helpful.

My parents understood my sadness, but to their way of thinking all this crying and carrying on had to stop. My mother, perhaps uncomfortable with her own sadness over Charlie’s departure, eventually told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. With those words, the lights went out for me inside. Without the resources to understand and process what I was feeling, I did the only thing I could: I retreated within myself.  There I was safe from feeling the hurt that struck me like a physical blow and the sadness over the loss of my brother from my day-to-day life.

Over the years, I added to my protective shell to guard against feeling my hurt and sadness. Better to deny those feelings, I decided, than ever be so vulnerable and exposed again. In time, I came to equate being sad with being weak and wallowing in self-pity. As a man, I saw stoicism and having a stiff upper lip as the way to be an adult. The irony is that by denying my hurt and sadness I was actually keeping myself locked in my childhood where I was an inconsolable five-year-old who felt abandoned. Only by opening myself up to the depth of my feelings—especially the ones that I equated with being lost, vulnerable, and exposed—could I become a fully functioning adult capable of having mature, intimate relationships with myself, with others, and with God.

Each of us as adults have children inside us who are longing to express themselves and complete their unfinished business. We all can benefit from having a safe place along with a competent and capable guide to help us in the process of expressing, completing and integrating the outstanding hurts from our childhood. Reach out to one of our trained and caring therapists at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. We would love to join you on the journey to becoming our most Christ-like selves. Take advantage of the opportunity to become a part of a community of people who are living dynamic lives, feeling their feelings, expressing truth in the moment, and multiplying their talents in the service of others.

 

Honoring Your Anger

(This is an exerpt from the fourth chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This chapter emphasizes the importance of learning how to feel and express anger powerfully and responsibly in all our relationships)


Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me… (Matthew 16:22)

 

We believe at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment that to be in meaningful relationship requires consciousness—an awareness of what is true in the moment and the willingness to share yourself with another. To experience true intimacy with others, including with God, we must strive to be fully ourselves, to share what is true, especially where our emotions are concerned. If we focus on what we think to the detriment of what we feel, we will not accurately reflect our true selves. If we are out of touch with our emotions or always censure ourselves and what we feel in an attempt to put our best foot forward, others will sense that we are not fully present. We, too, will experience a lack, thus undermining our ability to understand ourselves and to engage in alive and spiritually mature relationships with others and with God.

We may mistakenly believe that keeping a tight rein on our feelings will make us appear more rational, even-tempered, and likeable. When we deny our feelings or stuff them away, however, we cut ourselves off from an essential source of information about ourselves and our interactions with others.  Our feelings ground us in the here and now. They reflect an immediate understanding of what is happening within us in the moment. To become more Christ-like—meaning fully alive, authentic, and present in the moment—we need to have full access to our feelings as well as our thoughts. Only when we can feel our feelings and express them to others, connecting heart to heart, are we able to experience life on a much deeper and more meaningful level.

At first, we may have an easier time experiencing and expressing with what we perceive to be positive emotions. The first three on the SASHET spectrum (sad, angry, scared, happy, excited, and tender) may make us uncomfortable or even wary. We tell ourselves that expressing happiness or tenderness is acceptable, but sadness and fear must be in moderation, and anger is usually not acceptable. We judge certain emotions to be “good” and others to be “bad.”

All our emotions, however, are gifts from God and resources to help us live our lives to the fullest. Our anger, sadness, and fear are just as important as the happiness, excitement, and tenderness we feel. Whether we feel anger or tenderness, it is all valuable information that helps further our relationships. In the cockpit of an airplane, there are many instruments and gauges, the function of which may not be known to us. However, to a trained pilot, each one is crucial: some to be looked at every second and others only needed in an emergency.

Feelings are the instruments in our cockpit, yet many people fail to recognize their importance, mistakenly thinking that the gauges measuring our thoughts are all-sufficient.  As Christians, many of us have learned to fear our emotions, in particular the one we will focus on in this chapter: anger.

Because of the way we have been raised, we may have mistaken beliefs around anger, perceiving it as hurtful, abusive, mean, and even dangerous. We recall Paul’s advice to the Colossians to rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips (Colossians 3:8), and see anger as morally wrong. At first glance, it would seem that the advice of this chapter to “honor our anger” contradicts the teaching of scripture.  While I agree with the spirit of Paul’s teaching, I disagree with how it has been used in the church to limit and manage people’s aliveness.  I will show that our anger is power and, although power can be misused, it is an essential resource if we are truly intent to be becoming more like Christ (please read Grappling with God when it is released for the whole story).

As spiritually mature followers of Christ, we must learn how to experience our anger and express it in such a way that empowers us and deepens our relationships. It seems paradoxical: using anger to nurture our relationships with others and with God, since many of us consider this emotion to be as cutting as a knife and perhaps just as deadly. There is, however, great risk to ourselves and to others when we stifle our anger. Unexpressed anger builds until we are like volcanoes, ready to explode. In contrast, anger that’s recognized and processed in the moment, and then expressed in a responsible and mature way, clears the air and opens the lines of communication with our spouse, family members, friends and associates—and also with God. If we are going to have a spiritually mature and alive relationship with God, we need to drop our pretenses and “get real” about what we feel. Only by admitting to ourselves and to others, including God, when we are angry can we reach a level of comfort and genuineness that leads to true intimacy.

 

Truth is Love

(This is an exerpt from the third chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith.)

 

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)

 

I was a participant on a weekend retreat whose aim was to equip me to be more honest and live more in integrity.  I found myself packed into a small room with my team waiting to have our performance evaluated on a series of projects we had completed. There were facilitators present who had been monitoring our team work. They were there to empower us to examine the extent to which we operated in good faith, living true to our commitments, principles and values.

I was scared, unaccustomed to accountability. I felt like I was back in the Principal’s office, terrified that I was going to get in trouble. I realized I spent most of my life trying to be good and do everything right in order to avoid getting punished. I had made it a point to avoid accountability and scrutiny at all costs. As my fear grew, I began to ask myself, “Why in the world did I sign up for a retreat on truthfulness and accountability?” “What was I thinking?”

Time passed and I began to feel a bit calmer and let down my guard. Out of the blue, one of the facilitators asked who on our team was responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. In that instant, it seemed as if I was a prisoner caught trying to escape and the spotlight was pointed right at me. Oh no! Everything shifted to slow motion and I was on the hot seat and my buns were frying!

I knew I had been working hard and accomplishing a number of tasks. My mind started reviewing the cleaning task we had been working on that morning. Suddenly, I remembered I had agreed to make a final check of the bathrooms and I had forgotten to do it. It was my fault! I was the culprit.

In an instant, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had blown it and left myself open to get in trouble. How could I defend myself? Didn’t it make a difference that I had done so much more than everyone else on my team. I had worked the hardest and had done the most and didn’t that count for something?

Over the next couple hours, the facilitators along with my team members attempted to help me to admit the truth that I was at fault. They wanted me to tell the truth that I had failed to follow through on what I committed to do. I felt like they wanted me to admit I had lied and my defense was that I had simply forgotten. In my mind, they wanted to blame, shame and punish me.

Later I would see that my inability to love and accept myself was preventing me from admitting that I had made a mistake. How could I be wrong and stay on my own side? What I feared they wanted to do to me was in fact what I had been doing to myself for years. I was my own harshest critic. My attempts to defend myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stubborn defensiveness was what caused others to want to punish me–not my failure to clean the bathrooms!

Gradually, their persistence broke through my resistance. I realized that they were investing in me and not trying to beat me up. They were determined to help me see what was true and at the same time accept myself. Admitting I was wrong and accepting that I had fallen short was something I had rarely done. Historically, my strategy had been to try and be perfect so that no one could ever punish me again.

My breakdown along with their commitment to truth became the gateway to my experience of grace and forgiveness. My willingness to put myself in a situation where I would be seen and held accountable opened the door for me to experience a deeper level of self-acceptance and grace. My strategy to avoid making mistakes at all costs was robbing me of the joy of discovering that the world was both a classroom and a playground in which I could try new things, make mistakes, learn, and grow.

 

Truth Indispensable

This is an exerpt from the third chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This book details the process of personal transformation practiced at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. This chapter emphasizes how truth is the indespensible agent of change and at CLE we emphasize the power of personal and process based truth expressed in the here and now.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)

I was a participant on a weekend retreat whose aim was to equip me to be more honest and live more in integrity.  I found myself packed into a small room with my team waiting to have our performance evaluated on a series of projects we had completed. There were facilitators present who had been monitoring our work as a team. They were there to empower us to examine the extent to which we operated in good faith, living true to our commitments, principles and values.

I was scared, unaccustomed to accountability. I felt like I was back in the Principal’s office, terrified that I was going to get in trouble. I realized I spent most of my life trying to be good and do everything right in order to avoid getting punished. I had made it a point to avoid accountability and scrutiny at all costs. As my fear grew, I began to ask myself, “Why in the world did I sign up for a retreat on truthfulness and accountability?” “What was I thinking?”

Time passed and I began to feel a bit calmer and let down my guard. Out of the blue, one of the facilitators asked who on our team was responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. In that instant, it seemed as if I was a prisoner caught trying to escape and the spotlight was pointed right at me. Oh no! Everything shifted to slow motion and I was on the hot seat and my buns were frying!

I knew I had been working hard and accomplishing a number of tasks. My mind started reviewing the cleaning task we had been working on that morning. Suddenly, I remembered I had agreed to make a final check of the bathrooms and I had forgotten to do it. It was my fault! I was the culprit.

In an instant, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had blown it and left myself open to get in trouble. How could I defend myself? Didn’t it make a difference that I had done so much more than everyone else on my team. I had worked the hardest and had done the most and didn’t that count for something?

Over the next couple hours, the facilitators along with my team members attempted to help me to admit the truth that I was at fault. They wanted me to tell the truth that I had failed to follow through on what I committed to do. I felt like they wanted me to admit I had lied and my defense was that I had simply forgotten. In my mind, they wanted to blame, shame and punish me.

Later I would see that my inability to love and accept myself was preventing me from admitting that I had made a mistake. How could I be wrong and stay on my own side? What I feared they wanted to do to me was in fact what I had been doing to myself for years. I was my own harshest critic. My attempts to defend myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stubborn defensiveness was what caused others to want to punish me–not my failure to clean the bathrooms!

Gradually, their persistence broke through my resistance. I realized that they were investing in me and not trying to beat me up. They were determined to help me see what was true and at the same time accept myself. Admitting I was wrong and accepting that I had fallen short was something I had rarely done. Historically, my strategy had been to try and be perfect so that no one could ever punish me again.

My breakdown along with their commitment to truth became the gateway to my experience of grace and forgiveness. My willingness to put myself in a situation where I would be seen and held accountable opened the door for me to experience a deeper level of self-acceptance and grace. My strategy to avoid making mistakes at all costs was robbing me of the joy of discovering that the world was both a classroom and a playground in which I could try new things, make mistakes, learn, and grow.

Divinely Designed Relationships

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18) 

           At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment, we are divinely designed for relationship. Created in the image and likeness of God, we are born with certain traits that encode us for connection. Even our personalities are shaped by experiences we have with others. From our nature to our nurture, we hunger and yearn for safe, nourishing, affectionate, comforting, supportive, mature, and intimate relationships.

            And yet, we spend so much of our time trying to hide from others. As much as we long to be seen and known, we constantly try to conceal ourselves behind masks and facades. The reason, I believe, is that we see ourselves as flawed and lacking, and somehow totally unworthy of being loved. Afraid of being exposed as objectionable and unlovable, we try to become invisible, or else we project a superior air to keep everyone else at arm’s length. Out of fear and shame, we hold back our spouses, families, friends, and even God. We are even disconnected from ourselves.

This epitomized my life in the late 1980s when, as a Christian counselor, I joined a therapy group in downtown Chicago led by a man named Bob Wright. It has been suggested to me that I participate in Bob’s groups in order to become more alive and potent. I came to this experience being very comfortable with groups. I had been participating in them all the way back to high school, and I had been leading groups in the ministry for ten years.  This group, however, was nothing like any of my prior experiences. First of all, it was not a traditional group in which people talk about their issues or recent experiences. It was what Bob called an “assignment group,” meaning people were intently focused on learning, growing and experiencing genuine openness and honesty with each other in the here and now. I found it totally chaotic, confusing, and unnerving.

            Although I pretended to be engaged, I sat back and observed, silently judging everyone else. I couldn’t connect with these people because I saw myself as superior to them. The truth, however, was that I was terrified! With their emotional intensity and angry confrontations at times, the group made me extremely uncomfortable. What I couldn’t see, however, was that the source of my unease was myself—not them.  

            As soon as group was over, I tore out of there, sometimes literally running down the hall under the guise of catching my train. One night as I rushed to leave, Bob Wright raced after me and literally pushed me up against the wall. With his finger in my face he yelled, “I know your game. I know what you’re doing. You come across as if you are so caring and kind, but you’re mean and judgmental. You’re not what you make yourself out to be.”

            My first instinct was to fling this guy off me. But on a much deeper level, I had the completely opposite reaction. For the first time, I was seen and known. As Bob ripped into me, exposing me as a fraud to myself, he gave me the most loving of gifts—the truth. Only by embracing that difficult truth could I ever break through the shell I had built over the years in hopes of becoming invulnerable to pain and hurt. Only then, could I truly connect with others, to see them as they were and to allow them to see me.

     My relationships with others and God have been the foundation of my journey of transformation. Reaching out to others for feedback about myself has been the cornerstone of the remaking of my most authentic self. The truth I have received from others has been the raw materials used in the reconstruction of my most Christ-like self. I now trust that for me to become like Jesus, I must be fostering authentic community with others who are dedicated to our mutual transformation through the sharing of truth with each another.

     This blog is from the first chapter of my new book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith, which is going to be released soon. Watch for the pre-release resources we will be making available.

Let Your Light Shine

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

Jesus, the great spiritual teacher, claimed to be the light of the world. He did not say he was a light or one of the lights. He said, “I am the light of the world.” This is an amazingly bold claim which requires faith to believe.  It is a statement of such scale that it cannot be proved. It must be believed or rejected. Issues of faith are at the heart of the work we do at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment (CLE).

Jesus did not claim to be the light of a select few. His proclamation was that he was the light of the world—He was everyone’s light. His invitation was to all–all inclusive, offering the light of life to everyone and anyone who would follow him. He said he was the light of life, not the light of day or the light of dawn.  Jesus said he was the light of life. Jesus’ intention was that everyone would live life abundantly and he understood that to accomplish his mission each of us needs spiritual illumination. At CLE, we believe every individual is created in the image of God and has infinite worth and value.

Light reflects one of our most primal needs, along with warmth, shelter and clothing. I always remember the initial wave of terror when I experience a sudden power outage at night.  Power outages during the day are inconvenient–the clocks stop, the lights don’t work and the garage door opener is inoperable. It is a real nuisance.  When the power goes out at night, however, it can be terrifying. When we are thrust into darkness, we frantically scramble to find flashlights, matches and candles.  We do not rest and feel safe until we can see.  Dim is tolerable. Pitch black is unbearable.

Yet, many of us are comfortable living in the darkness when it comes to knowing the truth about ourselves. We live with lies we tell ourselves as well as with those we accept from others. We must embrace the truth and the light. We must seek to know truth like we would seek light when we are lost in the dark. We are living in darkness when we are unwilling to the know the truth about ourselves. Mistakenly, we are most comfortable when we are in the most danger. Denial slowly takes over our senses and deceives us into believing we are safe when we are actually in harm’s way. Meeting with a Christian therapist offers you the opportunity to have someone reflect back to you the truth you do not see about yourself. The only way to become your most Christ-like self, is to solicit the genuine feedback of others who will tell you the truth about you.

Along with being light, Jesus claimed to be the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). Light and truth are like twins, most often seen together in sacred teachings. They provide both illumination and instruction. When I am lost, I must identify the truth about where I am before I can get to where I want to be. I believe the most simple and effective way to learn the truth about myself is through soliciting the feedback of others. When I was younger, I hid out from relationships with others by spending countless hours poring over the scriptures in an attempt to know myself. As I matured, I realized that by getting into relationship with others and inviting honest feedback from them, I was opening myself up to one of the most potent sources of light.

Let your light shine on one another that we might grow increasingly into the likeness of Christ.

Having the Eyes to See The Doors of Opportunity

I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:9-10)

Doors signify times of transition and opportunity.  Doors represent the fear of leaving what is behind and the anticipation of what lies ahead. The Apostle Paul wrote, Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:13-14)  Paul understood the importance of doors. He experienced many challenges in which he chose to leave behind the familiar and move into the unknown trusting in God’s direction and companionship. At CLE we love to be a part of supporting those who are searching and seeking for MORE in their lives.

One of the first big doors in my life was when I was 16 years old and recovering from the sobering realization that football was not me nor my life. The previous season, I had played only one play the entire season. The cornerstone of my identity had always been my prowess in football. I was both devastated by my dreadful performance and determined to regain my identity as a powerful football player. I was desperate and determined to succeed.

I persevered and the next season I regained my starting position on the team. In spite of my accomplishment, I was left with a nagging sense of disillusionment and a profound sense of despair. My eyes were opening to the fact that success in football was not sufficient to satisfy my deeper longings. Up until then, I had not been willing to consider what truly nourished me and gave my life meaning and purpose.

It was during this time of existential doubt and despair that I was hungry to find new doors. Previously, all my activities centered around football. For the first time I was open and looking for something more. A friend invited me to a Young Life[1] meeting. I accepted his invitation when I would have avoided it previously. I knew virtually nothing about God except the hymn, Holy, Holy, Holy, and the Ten Commandments. I was changing. I was choosing to take responsibility for my life. Doors were appearing and I was pursuing opportunities to grow. I was asking questions instead of regurgitating answers. Anxiety was morphing into excitement and I was on the hunt for meaning and satisfaction.

Many of us make it our life purpose to avoid challenges and temptations, both for ourselves as well as those we love. We inadvertently rob ourselves and others of the opportunities to find doors through which we can escape the matrixes of our mistaken rules and beliefs. We worship the god of the status quo. James writes, Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

What I discovered by going through the door of Christ was the experience of believing that I was being regarded by God with the utmost respect. I was being offered unconditional compassion and acceptance. I was experiencing what I didn’t even know I had been searching and longing for. The pain resulting from my setbacks in football was awakening me from a deep sleep. The suffering I experienced was a beacon guiding me to the possibility of transformation. I could now see doors where previously I had only seen walls.

If you are going through a season of hardships which seem like setbacks, look for the doors of opportunity. Seek out the support from those who are More Knowledgable Others, like the counseling staff at CLE. Have the courage to let go of what you have known and be willing to try doors you may have never considered or seen before.

Ask God for the eyes to see and the ears to hear his voice. I believe God’s desire is that each of us knows we are loved by Him and that we dedicate ourselves to becoming our most whole, complete, and Christ-like selves. Paul’s promise for those who are willing to fight the good fight is, No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Cor 10:13)

[1] A non-denominational Christian ministry that reaches out to adolescents.

Paired Sharing with God

One of the simplest yet powerful tools we use at CLE is paired sharing*. This is an exercise where two or more people agree to purposefully and intentionally alternate between sharing and listening to one another. We ask people to use a timer and have a set period of time in which they share, beginning with rounds of two to three minutes each.  One person talks while their partner listens silently. The listeners suspend performing any of the normal activities associated with social and active listening. We ask them to avoid making empathic sounds and offering non-verbal gestures such as nodding, smiling, raising of the eyebrows, etc. When the speakers have completed their time to share, then the partners switch roles and the listeners becomes the sharers.

The speakers have the opportunity of having others listen to them without the fear of being interrupted or having the focus of attention taken off them. They have the chance to articulate what they think and how they feel without being influenced by the thoughts and cues of those who are listening to them.  They are able to get to know themselves in a whole new way.The speakers are encouraged to free associate, speaking to themselves as if no one was there listening to them. As counselors at CLE, we teach them to almost ramble or babble, following their feeling and urges instead of speaking as if they were writing a paper or giving a speech. The objective is for the speakers to express their thoughts and feelings without attempting to control or censor them.

The listeners are asked to listen in an unorthodox way. While listening, they are expected to hold the speaker in positive regard. This means that the listeners envision the speakers as whole and complete persons who are able to support themselves in getting what they want and need. Listeners are asked to make their own internal process the priority of their focus and attention. Listeners are to pay attention to what they are thinking and feeling while listening attentively to their partners. They are not expected to reflect back what they have heard their partners say.

This exercise has been life transforming for those who have made paired sharing part of their ongoing disciplines at CLE. We are finding it to be especially effective with couples, helping them to connect, see, and hear each other. We have also found paired sharing to be beneficial in our relationships with God. We actually have an assignment in our spiritual growth series where people are invited to do a three minutes (sharing) by three minute (listening) paired share with God once a day for thirty days.  This is proving to be a very challenging exercise which is deepening and strengthening peoples personal relationships with God.

Consider the opportunity to build your relationship with God through having a regular time of paired sharing. Consider it as a form of prayer or meditation designed to increase the openness and intimacy in your relationship with God.

* I am grateful to Bob Wright at the Wright Leadership Institute for introducing me to paired sharing.