Tag Archives: couples

Hitting the Curve Ball

1 Reply

I remember going to watch two friends play in a baseball tournament. Although I learned that the game was rained out, I saw a way to still have some fun. There was a batting cage next to the dugouts and I suggested that we hit a few balls. I had always wanted to tap into my inner Ted Williams. They loved the idea.

 

I dug in and prepared for Dennis to throw me a few pitches. They came straight and fast and I was extremely pleased that I was getting a few hits against a pitcher of his caliber. True to form, my enthusiasm migrated into arrogance and I started trash talking.  “Bring it on…is that all you got!”

 

I saw Dennis get what I now know to be a “pitcher’s grin” and had no idea what he had in store for me. He threw me a couple more fastballs that I devoured as if they were Krispy Kreme donuts. In anticipation of hitting the ball out of the park, I started my swing a little earlier and swung at bit harder at his next pitch.

 

The instant the ball left Dennis’ hand, I knew something was terribly wrong. First, the ball appeared to be coming right at my head and I had no intention of getting close and personal with this rapidly approaching projectile. Second, I was nearly completing my swing and the ball was only half way to the plate. What happened?

 

I desperately tried to slow my swing down; however, my bat was already past the plate rapidly making a run for home.  I was helplessly watching this ball curve down and away from my face as it leisurely traveled through the strike zone. Wow.

 

I was in shock and what brought me back to consciousness was the acute pain in my back resulting from trying to slow down my herculean swing. The howling from my friends was deafening. Dennis was rolling on the ground laughing hysterically and I was trying to find my balance having just been introduced to my first curve ball.

 

I was living in the fantasy of thinking that I was a batting prodigy. With only a few minutes in the batting cage, I was hoping that I would be able to hit like a professional. I see how I have the same fantasies in life. I mistakenly believe that if I were better at things then I would be happy and fulfilled. I confuse the outcome with the process.

 

Life is an ecstatic dance lived spontaneously in the moment. It is free, alive, and mysterious. Attempts to script and control life (both ours as well as others) are lethal.  We habitually seek for certainty and attempt to find comfort in routine and predictability. We mistakenly believe that what we want is to be in control. It may be what we want; however, what we need is to live by faith. Faith is the capacity to move forward in the face of the unknown. It is the courage to act in the face of uncertainty and doubt.

 

A life worth living and a God worth worshipping—I see these as central values in a life well lived. Will you allow me to consider one facet of God using my experience at the batting cage? A God worthy of our worship is like a divine pitcher. He throws the pitches and we try to get a hit.

Our job is to hit the balls we are pitched. Growing in our skill of hitting involves a life dedicated to deliberate practice and a willingness to learn from our mistakes and failings. Winning is redefined as learning and growing from our disappointments and breakdowns. In this game we are a team actively depending on our teammates to be dedicated to becoming the best players possible.

 

We are not the pitcher. It is not our responsibility to select the type of pitch, pace or placement. Our responsibility is to select the pitches we are going to try and hit.  Regardless of their pace and placement, we are here to be continually improving ourselves as batters. Avoid the temptation to focus too much on the pitcher and his pitches.

 

At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment we love supporting players who want to learn, grow and become the best hitters they can be. Join us and become a part of our team. It is a blast and you will see remarkable growth and improvement.

 

God’s Infinite Love: My Choice by A.M.

Leave a reply

When I first joined assignment group, a senior member of my group told me that no matter what happens in the group, to remember that Rich was always for me 100%.  I learned over time that this was true and that despite whatever happened in group, Rich always had my back.  Even though I was messed up and full of it, Rich still believed in me, supported me, and loved me.  Later I came to learn that this was love and positive regard.

This love was a stark contrast to anything that I had experienced for the first 40 years of my life.  My Dad was anything but loving.  He was a volatile and punitive man and his “love” was conditional.  He was harsh, abusive, and selfish.  I truly feared my father for the first 40+ years of my life.  I see now that he was just trying to get his own needs met, and that he himself had grown up with a harsh and unloving father.

I viewed God as an extension of my father.  I saw him as harsh, mean, petty and unloving.  This was a choice that I made and it colored all of my core beliefs about the world. That took me right up until 2004 or so when I accepted Christ as my savior.  In fact, it took me beyond that.

In 2004, I went on a CLE retreat and experienced Rich’s love in a breath work  exercise.  The next week in church at WCNS, they did an altar call and one of my group members from the retreat joined me as I went forward from my seat.  Shortly after that I was baptized.  It was at that point that I accepted Christ, and my relationship with God began to change.  I began to read the bible and talk more with people about God. And ultimately the door opened for me to change the way I thought about God.

Even after those experiences, I still believed deep down that God was unloving, mean, and punishing.  It is only recently, many years later, that my core beliefs about God have changed.  And I know it has changed because my world view has changed, rather, I have chosen to have another world view and that is only possible because my core belief about God has changed.

It all goes back to Rich and his uncommon love and positive regard for me.  It had been a big leap of faith to accept this as love after what I experienced with my own Father.  I wasn’t always great about taking it in, but when I did, it had a profound impact on me.  I gradually began to love myself.  And I gradually began to accept the possibility that God loved me the same way Rich did, and more.

This all came to a head this summer on a trip to a Willow Creek Camp.  During my daily quiet time with God, I came to see that I did not act in ways that showed that I believed in and trusted a loving God.  I acted as if the world was a place of fear, pain, and scarcity, rather than a playground of abundance and possibilities.  I played it safe, and had a relatively small life as a result.

I had a choice to make.  I could continue to see the world as i always had, or I could see the world through the eyes of a loving and kind heavenly Father.  My experience with Rich in assignment group and on retreats was the means by which I was able to change how I viewed God.  A great verse from the Bible is:

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
(Luke 11:11-13 NIV)

When I compared my Dad to Rich, and then extrapolated Rich to God my heavenly Father, I realized that I had underestimated God’s love for me by an infinite amount.  More importantly, I saw that my belief about God’s love and goodness is a faith choice. I can choose to see God as loving and kind and the world as full of opportunities and abundance.  Or I can continue to believe as I always have. This is really a question of faith, since there is plenty of evidence for both.

I have decided to trust God and to and to believe that God is for me 100% (or more!)  I believe that God loves me, and will provide for me, and that the world is a place of promise, of opportunity, and of abundance.

My work is to act out that faith every day.  I need to live a big life, and take appropriate risks.  I need to see a loving God at work in the world, in everything that happens to me, and to see it all as for my good.  It is a choice that I must continue to make every day.

Growing and Faith

Leave a reply

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

I am concerned about the ever-present temptation to move away from truly living by faith.

Growing involves the willingness to learn, fail and learn again. Growing is about continually striving and never arriving. Jesus’ disciples quickly learned that faith was central to everything that mattered to Him. When the disciples asked Jesus about how they could have more faith, he suggested to them that faith was not about quantity as if they needed more of it. He told them that if they had the faith the size of a mustard seed they could move mountains. Faith is unquantifiable. Faith is a muscle—it is a way of being and relating to another. The heart of faith is about who we place our faith in.

Dynamic faith is about relationship. It is connected to the relationship I have with the person I am putting my faith in. Faith is central to growing and deepening our relationship with the transcendent God. The author of the book of Hebrews writes, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6) Faith is intangible and yet vital to spiritual growth.

By nature, I am opposed to living by faith. I prefer certainty over mystery and mastery over learning. I feel driven to understand faith and have it make sense. I love to learn—sort of; however, one of my temptations is to believe I understand more than I do. I forget that learning and growing is really about what we don’t know. Learning requires the courage to stretch into the unknown. It is more interested in pursuing the unknown than resting in the known. Carol Dweck in her book, Mindset, refers to the growth vs. the fixed mindset. The fixed mindset is all about figuring things out. The growth mindset focuses on learning, stretching and growing. We must be willing to err and fail if we are going to meaningfully learn and grow.

All of my adult life I have been seeking and studying faith. I am in the process of publishing my first book, Grappling with God, and it is concerned with growth and the role of faith. I am discovering that just when I think I have faith figured out I fall flat on my face—faith down. I am learning that authentic faith is about not knowing. “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1) Faith is about an experience. The Bible speaks of faith being and encounter with God. It is pursuing relationship with the Transcendent Other in the face of uncertainty and not-knowing.

As I write this sentence, I notice my desire to be more precise and certain about what faith is and isn’t. How can I be writing an article about faith and not be certain of what I am saying? Maybe my lack of certainty is the very quality that allows me to discuss such a sacred experience. I believe faith represents a drive, a human potentiality, within all people that seeks actualization. Man is moved toward faith by an inner awareness of the Transcendent to which he senses his connection. It is this connection that we all seek—an encounter with the holy and mysterious Other. Our hearts seek an experience with unconditional love. Paul Tillich writes, “The unconditional concern which is faith is the concern about the unconditional. The infinite passion, as faith has been described, is the passion for the infinite.” (Tillich, 1957)

Tillich, P. (1957). The Dynamics of Faith. New York: Perennial Classics.

Faith—An Experience of God

Leave a reply

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

 

 

The Oxford English Dictionary defines faith as, “Confidence, reliance, belief, esp. without evidence or proof. The spiritual apprehension of divine truth or intangible realities.”

 

I am struck by the phrase, “without evidence or proof.” When I was 16 and chose to follow Christ, I was deeply touched by my experience. I sang songs, heard talks and read the Bible for six months searching for proof that believing in Jesus made sense. However, what moved me to ultimately dedicate my life to being a follower of Jesus was my experience. It was an elaborate symphony of sounds that all resonated in my soul awakening me to my deepest desires. It was the spiritual apprehension of intangible realities.

 

I felt wanted. I attended my first Young Life meeting because I was so touched when Shep and Jim invited me. I remember where I was in the library at Miramonte High School. I had no idea what Young Life was; however, it really didn’t matter. I was more interested in who invited me. These were good guys, leaders and more importantly at the time, athletes. I was blown away that they wanted me. I was lonely and hungry for affirmation. I wanted to be wanted.

 

I felt safe. After attending my first meeting, I was surprised by how relaxed and peaceful I felt. I had a sense of joy and aliveness. For the first time that I could remember I felt safe in a group of people. Nothing seemed to matter to them except for their love for each other and Jesus. I didn’t have to worry about feeling fat or not feeling cool. The only other place I had felt safe was on the field when I was fully engaged in the sport of football.

 

I felt OK. Although I had no real understanding of who Jesus was, I experienced the sense that I was accepted and wanted. I felt loved and people seemed to genuinely care about me. It had been such a long time since I had felt that way. When I was with this community, I started to let go of my ever-present fear that I would be found out and kicked out. I was sensing that I was OK just the way I was.

 

I felt I mattered. I could tell that people really wanted to be with me. People were calling me to make sure I was coming to things, and I didn’t miss a thing. I started feeling like I was part of the group even though I hadn’t formally accepted Christ.

 

The real test of my faith came when I was invited to attend the year-end Young Life celebration. It was a pool party and I was mortified. All my fears of rejection were contained in my mistaken belief that I was fat and undesirable. I kept dodging the invitations until Jim and Shep cornered me and demanded either a commitment or an explanation. I wasn’t going to lie and I didn’t want to tell—so I went.

 

It was only minutes after arriving at the party that I was in the pool having fun, having been distracted from my painful self-hatred. I was immersed in the waters of loving community. It was very early the next morning that I had an experience with Christ personally. After experiencing the love, acceptance and belonging I had been searching for, it seemed natural that I would express my love for and faith in Jesus.

 

For a time I cherished my experience with Jesus. As I got older, however, I moved away from the faith of my experience with Christ. Instead, I turned to validating my faith through Scripture, philosophy, and apologetics. I moved away from the faith in my experience. I am grateful that my journey of faith has brought me back to the solid rock of my experience.

 

I love to talk with others who are on the journey of faith and doubt. Authentic faith is alive and personal, whereas, belief is often dead and conceptual. I long to talk about who my faith is in rather than what I believe. I crave the community of those are living life in the here and now and sharing their experiences of faith.  I invite you to join us at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. We are a community of those who want more authentic faith and intimacy with God and each other.

 

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. (Psalm 34:8)

 

4 Steps to Revitalize Your Marriage

Leave a reply

    A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  John 13:34

 

Marriage. It is fun and exciting at first; however, it is much more challenging to nurture and grow over the long haul. Falling in love and deciding to get married is like parachuting for the first time. Initially your decision of whether or not to parachute is filled with terror, excitement, and anticipation. All the focus is on whether or not you will actually go through with it and whether or not you will survive.

 

Once the wedding is over, now what? Couples cope with the transition from engagement to marriage differently. Some panic and frantically try to keep the drama going.  They are seeking another high like they had when they were courting. They want to date instead of dig in and develop their relationship. Others shuffle ahead in their relationship as if they were on autopilot.  They mindlessly move forward, establishing their careers, having children, and struggling to be the best parents they can be. Whether we seek the dating high or the deadness of numbing out, all of us can benefit greatly by practicing a few basic strategies.

 

All of our marriages will benefit from some coaching and guidance. We seem more equipped to find a mate and less prepared to know what to do once we are married. Most people do not seek out help until there is some breakdown of significance. All of us want marriages that are better than our parents’; however, eventually we realize that we have our parents’ marriage.

 

I want to introduce you to four principles (F-E-A-R) that I believe make up the foundation of healthy, growing and vital relationships. I will briefly introduce each of the principles and elaborate on them in future blogs. At CLE, we have proven that practicing these principles will transform your relationships with yourself, with others, and with God.

 

FEEL

 

Feelings are the language of the heart. Our hearts are moved when we are touched by meaningful experiences and encounters. When our hearts are moved, feelings are released. Although feelings occur naturally, most of us have learned to deny and numb ourselves to our feelings. To renew and revitalize our relationships we must reconnect with our hearts and our feelings.

 

EXPRESS

 

As you become increasingly aware of your feelings, the next step is to express them. Experiencing your feelings without expressing them is both unhealthy and stingy. Feelings are to be both experienced and expressed. Feelings enable our hearts to become attached to each other.  Feelings expressed build safety, comfort and closeness with others. Expressing our feelings floods your relationships with energy, joy and aliveness. Expressing our feelings helps us connect with our deepest hungers.

 

ATTACH

 

Attachment is the process infants go through when they bond with their mothers. For a child to develop a healthy sense of attachment they need to be accurately perceived in the here and now, with positive regard, consistently, and unconditionally. As adults and especially as partners, we need our attachment needs met continually. We don’t top needing to be seen and heard ever. We not only need to feel and express ourselves; we need to provide a safe haven for our spouses to feel and express themselves.

 

RISK

 

Take action. Feel, express, and engage with your partner. Listen to them, learn what they want and need, and give it to them. Risk feeling awkward and doing something that might not feel comfortable. Take the initiative and lead in your relationship. Both partners need to think of how they can invest in their marriage as well as building into themselves.

 

 

Watch for the upcoming blogs where we will unpack the importance of each of these strategies: Feel/Express/Attach/Risk. Love one another.

 

 

Friendships: The Most Worthwhile Investments

1 Reply

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13 

 

Relational unrest and breakdown is all around us and has hit close to home. Recently, we were surprised to see moving vans in front of the house of our next-door neighbors. They were a young couple with three kids. We later learned that they were going through a messy divorce. We never even knew they were struggling. Last week we were shocked to see the police surrounding the house of another neighbor two doors down from us. A domestic disturbance led to a five-hour siege with SWAT teams converging on this older couple’s home. We had no idea they were having any trouble. Sadly, the husband committed suicide.

 

Relationships are a mixed bag. We experience the most intense pain as well as the most meaningful pleasure in our relationships with others. From the moment of our conception, people are surrounding us. Conception initiates a relationship in which the fetus is completely dependent on his or her maternal host for existence. From start to finish, we cannot live without each other.

 

Admittedly, our survival is dependent on other people; however, without meaningful and nourishing relationships, we only exist and fail to experience the fullness of life. If we desire to have the abundant life that God wishes for each of us (John 10:10), we must cultivate our capacities and sharpen our skills for engaging authentically and meaningfully with others.

 

Relationships are a function of how we relate to ourselves. We are the living channel through which we relate to others. How we see, feel about, and treat ourselves matters—it impacts how we interface with others. Much like how the diet of a breast-feeding mother influences the digestion of her baby, so how we relate with ourselves influences how we will attach with others.

 

Many of us take our people skills for granted, mistakenly assuming that our capacity to connect meaningfully with each other is automatic—it is as if relating to each other were a part of our autonomic nervous system. Most of us will spend at least sixteen years investing in our education; yet, how many of us will even spend a couple hours with a counselor or life coach to enhance our friendships. We assume that we should naturally know how to relate effectively with others. Patently untrue.

 

It is a fact that we will all have relationships; however, what is in question is the quality and depth of our relationships. Relationships are on a continuum, from schizoid and splintered to intimate and interdependent. We have the choice as well as the responsibility to decide whether we want to have mediocre relationships or fulfilling friendships.

 

How we relate to others is heavily influenced by the quality and characteristics of the relationships we had with our parents and our siblings. It would behoove us all to take a second look at the health of our relationships within our family of origin. No family is perfect—all are filled with a blend of hurtful and healthy experiences.  The wise person is the one who learns from their past and practices for his or her future. As you learn and grow you can increase your capacity for intimacy with others. You attract more relationships and build more nourishing and genuine friendships.

 

Please join me for a free webinar at 12:30 CST on Wednesday, January 4, in which I will be introducing some of the key concepts about friendships from my new book, Grappling with God: Renew Your Relationship and Deepen Your Faith. The 25 minute webinar is entitled, “7 Steps for Genuine Friendships.”  Register @ https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/466304954.

Celebrating Courage and Commitment

1 Reply

(This speech was written by the daughter of one of our CLE families. She is a senior at a local high school and was delivering this speech to her Cross Country teammates, parents and coaches at their end of season banquet. I hope you are inspired by her intitiative, courage, dedication and leadership. Her parents have paved the way through their own dedication to personal transformation for her to truly excel and flourish in life.)

  Four years, 196 practices, 36 races. For the four-year seniors here, that is what we have completed. It feels like forever, and has flown by at the same time. It has been an unforgettable experience that has done so much to shape me into who I am today. That is why, after crossing the finish line for the last time at the confer- ence race, I burst into tears. I had just had the best race of my life. At every turn there were my coaches, my teammates and my parents cheering for me. Ari my running buddy, was by my side, like always, silently rooting me on. I consciously refused to let fear enter my thoughts during a race for the first time I can remember. Instead I focused on how strong I felt, how strong the past four years had made me.

And now it’s over. This is the end of something great. I can only hope that in the future each of us can find something that we can once again love so fiercely, dedicate ourselves to so completely and can push us so hard and let us grow so much. And can most importantly, give us the gift of an amazing community, full of people who lift each other up to reach their individual goals. This is what Cross Country has done for me. It turned me from a shy, out of shape freshman who could barely run a half-mile on my first day, into a competitive runner and a captain who is surrounded by a massive group of girls whom I love. These girls have celebrated with me in my accomplishments, consoled me in my frustrations and pushed me to do things I never thought I could.

I had the time of my life with all of you and will always treasure the memories we made. But the Cross Country era will never end. While the season may, the spirit of the team will live on within each of us. Thank you for an incredible four years that will live on forever.

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

Leave a reply

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7,8

 

 

 

My adventure of writing my first book was nearing the finish line. I had an editor with a prestigious publishing house presenting Grappling with God to his editorial committee. I could taste it. He told me that on Monday they would discuss my proposal and get back to me right away. I was so excited and hopeful. I began allowing myself to anticipate success. I felt like a kid on the days leading up to Christmas.

 

Monday came and went. I noticed how I was making up all kinds of stories to explain why my editor hadn’t gotten back to me. “The meeting ran late and there was no time to call me,” or “They needed more time to draw up the contract.” Tuesday passed and I started feeling a low-grade concern. I started wondering whether I had misunderstood the date or that possibly they had had to postpone the meeting. I was afraid to call and find out. I didn’t want to come off too pushy, too needy, or too excited. I didn’t want to upset or offend him. I didn’t want to know.

 

I was getting more and more restless. I started searching the social media sites to see if I could find out where he was and what he was doing. Sure enough, I discovered he was in Germany at the Frankfurt Book Fair. I experienced some relief knowing that he was out of the country. I fantasized he was pitching my book at the world’s largest and most prestigious book fair? Maybe, he wasn’t able to be at the committee meeting and they were not able to discuss Grappling with God?

 

It was now ten days later. I couldn’t rationalize waiting and hiding out any longer. I carefully crafted an email and sent it to him. A short time later I received his email apologizing for not getting back to me sooner and explaining that the committee had decided not to publish my book. I was so disappointed and in a state of shock.

 

It was as if I was playing football and someone had just knocked the wind out of me. I found myself feeling embarrassed, looking around to see if anyone knew that I had been rejected again. I told myself that I had to pick myself up and act as if nothing had happened. I immediately threw myself into plan B, sending an email to a highly regarded literary agent who had agreed to represent me if this publishing company rejected my book.  I was determined to not let this get me down.

 

Underneath my can-do attitude, I was really hurting. I felt all the painful feelings at once, as if I was tasting ing an emotional fruit smoothie. It was several hours later, as I was driving to work that I realized I was angry. I found myself building a case against the editor for how unprofessional and unkind it was to not have contacted me when he knew ten days earlier.

 

I am happy to say that I was conscious of my reactivity and aware of the grieving process I was going through. I knew I was experiencing the loss of my book being rejected again. As I found myself building a case against the editor and making him bad, I knew that he was not the problem—I was hurt and disappointed. It was no ones fault. I was having a hard time admitting to myself that I was hurt. I wanted to blame instead of feel. I wanted to try and regain a sense of being in control.

 

The next morning I was in my CLE pastors group and sharing with the pastors my disappointment. One of them interrupted my story and asked me why I never called the acquisition editor on Monday. It was as if the scales fell from my eyes. I suddenly grasped that I had authored my suffering. I was not a victim. In that moment, I understood that on the surface I didn’t call him sooner because I was afraid to appear too excited or too pushy and risk offending him. The deeper truth was that I was afraid to find out what the decision was. I was more comfortable waiting and magically hoping that they would choose my book.

 

I saw how I was operating as a child. Fearing I was too much, as a young boy I learned how to muffle and mute my hunger and enthusiasm. I learned how to manage others and make every effort to please them. I lost myself and was hiding out behind a mask of inauthenticity. For years I had been hiding my hurt and mastering the art of covering up my genuine thoughts and feelings.

The truth had set me free. Writing the book was tough—trying to get it published was an even more threatening challenge. Naturally, I wanted it to be easy. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to feel special. God wanted to wrestle with me—to use this opportunity to revitalize our relationship and teach me what it means to live by faith. THe abundant life offered by God is lived authentically and courageously  in the here and now.

The Authority of Authenticity

1 Reply

 

The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law. (Mark 1:27)

 

I want my life to have meaning and my words to have impact.  “Greater works than these shall we do,” promises Jesus. What is my greater work?

 

Jesus had a presence that caused others to stop, look, and listen to what he was saying. I believe one of the critical qualities that bolstered Jesus’ personal power was his authenticity. Jesus was genuine. You may not have liked what he was saying; however, I believe you would have been compelled to wrestle with what he said. Grappling with truth does not guarantee following it. Like many, you might have chosen to deny and dismiss what he said.

 

Jesus’ parable of the soils (Mt. 13) teaches that the seeds of truth often don’t fall on good soil and bear fruit.  Truth sown does not guarantee truth grown. It is not sufficient to simply sow seeds of truth—the truth sown needs to be watered, fertilized, and cultivated. Listening and digesting truth requires intention and courage. It demands character to be willing to be disturbed by the gap between where you are and where you want to be. It takes faith to live in the not knowing—to refuse the comfort felt when we hide behind the façade of certainty.

 

Jesus radiated the penetrating property of unconflicted truth spoken from a heart of integrity. Jesus was all in, sold out, and absolutely dedicated to living the message he preached. His message was truth and his life was about love; loving his Father and loving each of us. Jesus knew there could be no love without truth. His words were truth spoken in love. His truth satisfied the hunger of a heart longing for love and authenticity.

 

Jesus also understood that to grow we much know the truth about ourselves; however, maybe the most important element to growth was the context in which the truth was shared. The ideal conditions for growth are authentic relationships. It is the living and being together moment-by-moment that promotes to the seeds of truth sown finding their way to the good soil. The transforming power is in our authenticity lived out existentially—moment by moment in the here and now of life.

 

Who are you, really? What do you feel so passionate about that you are willing to take a stand for? How often do you give in to the urge to conform instead of express your truest self? Too often we alter personas or positions, like a chameleon switches colors, attempting to blend in with our environment. We give in to being spectators instead of prophets—those who hide out in the stands don’t run the risk of getting hurt in the game.

 

We all fear rejection and want to fit in and at times do everything possible to avoid standing out and risking being seen. We are all tempted to take the shortcut of conformity rather than risk the rejection that may come when we tell the truth. Many of us numb our aliveness so that we don’t risk thinking outside the box. We don’t want to admit having any seditious thoughts that would disturb the guardians of the status quo.

 

Patricia Raybon speaks of her struggle with being authentic in her book, My First White Friend: Confessions on Race, Love and Forgiveness. Raybon writes, “So my hair was ironed and my speech was clipped and my manners were bound and chaste and perfect. Thus I was comfortable to them—but a stranger to myself. That “self” was pushed so far down behind my façade she had nearly perished, suffocated under the weight of my duplicity.”

 

I identify so strongly with her desperate hunger to fit in that was waging war with her need to be genuine and live true to herself. The cost of conformity is that we become strangers to ourselves. We end up forgetting who we really are because we are so accustomed to being our adapted self. Our false self, that social chameleon, lives at the level of survival, striving simply to fit in.

 

How many of us feel with Patricia, that we are being crushed under the weight of our duplicity? Hearing the word duplicity gives me an ache in my soul. I am painfully aware of how two-faced I am. Too often I choose the path of comfort and safety instead of choosing courageously to live in integrity and express what is true for me

 

It is time for you to come out. Discover the authentic you. Experience what you feel and express what you believe—affirm what is true for you in the moment. We all need to uncover what is most true about us and sow our seeds broadly. Strive for authenticity in pursuit of integrity. Choose to engage authentically as you live in community. When you are living authentically and expressing responsibly you will be agents of transformation.

 

 

 

Never Give Up

1 Reply

 

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 1 Cor 9:24

 

It was approximately six years ago when I was first challenged to write a book. Today, I am making final edits on my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This journey began with a challenge from Bob Wright to become a transformational leader in the Christian community. My mission was to take the principles I had been learning through my work with the Wright Institute and introduce them to the Christian world.

 

I embraced my BHAG of becoming a nationally recognized therapist, author, and thought leader in the Christian community. It has been my aim to inspire others to have more truth and authenticity in their relationships with God and with each other. I also have intended to promote a new and more adult understanding of faith and spiritual maturity.

 

Along the way, I have had a host of different MKO’s (More Knowledgeable Others) supporting me. Bob Wright acted as my head coach, holding my vision for becoming my most Christ-like self.  Bob faithfully oversaw my book as well as my life project. He introduced me to team of mentors who would serve and support me beautifully. My first was Patricia Crisafulli, a professional writer, who served as my writing coach and ghostwriter. Tricia grew to care deeply about my book and me. She grew to be more than a writer—she became my partner and the book became part of her mission as well as my own. I then drew upon the expertise of Larry Kirshbaum, a highly regarded literary agent in NYC, who mentored me to the world of professional writing and publishing. Working with Larry gave me a taste of what it was like playing against me in rugby—benevolently brutal!

 

Another steady source of support came from Mike Zwell, the chancellor of the Wright Graduate Institute. Mike was the one who graded each of my graduate papers and demanded that I write with excellence. He seemed to raise the bar with each paper I wrote. Often, I would get the dreaded email from Mike, returning one of my papers, asking me to rework and resubmit it. I can’t tell you how many times I had to assuage my urge to drive over to Mike’s house and do damage to his person and property.

 

The race to write my book was on. I had an amazing team behind me and I had no idea how challenging this trial would become. Initially, I imagined the project would be analogous to running a half marathon. Very quickly, however, I went from a half-marathon to a whole marathon and soon after realized I was actually competing in an ironman triathlon.

 

There were a series of cycles I observed myself go through. It would begin with getting a vision for the book I wanted to write, and then furiously striving to complete two chapters and a proposal. I would send the book proposal out to a number of different publishers and then wait for their responses. Eventually I would hear that the book was very well written; however, they were not confident that the book would sell.

 

I would then feel hurt, angry and sad. I was unaccustomed to failure; having carefully limited the risks I had taken in life in order to assure I would not have to face the pain of disappointment. When I was younger, I had the confidence to risk failure in sports; however, there was no area in my life I was more insecure in than the world of academics. One of my most carefully guarded secrets was that I didn’t think I was very intelligent. I attributed any success I had had academically to having worked harder than others.

 

After each rejection of my book proposal, of which there were many, I would withdraw to lick my wounds. I would go underground and several months would pass by. Eventually, with the support of Bob Wright and the men in my leadership group, I would get the encouragement I needed to resume writing yet another version of my book.

 

Over the past six years, I estimate that I must have written at least four to five books. However, what appeared to be a rejection was actually an injection of personal growth hormone. With each rejection I was deepening the roots of my self and strengthening my core. I was no longer a squash hiding out and playing safe. I was evolving into an oak tree, which was slowing consolidating and strengthening my core. Along the way, a more mature and integrated sense of self was emerging. I was finding my voice and refining my skills as an effective writer. I was unearthing my message, discovering through each sentence, paragraph, and chapter what I believed and what I wanted and needed to say.

 

I was learning to live from what Carol Dweck refers to as a growth mindset—making learning and growing the real game and reframing failure as the measure of my willingness to risk enough to actually learn something. I learned from my studies with the Wright Graduate Institute how to think, write and communicate critically.

 

I have been deepening my understanding of what I know and believe as I study the works of the great thinkers that have gone before me. I am appreciating their works more as I am striving to express my own thoughts and beliefs. My foundations are strengthening and I feel prepared to step into battle, knowing that I will get hurt and be wounded. It is no longer if I get hurt, but when. My understanding of getting wounded in battle has changed dramatically as I look back and realize how my transformation has been fueled by the process of getting hurt, healing and getting back up.  The victory goes to those with the courage to risk failure and keep persevering.

Previously, I would have been terrified by the thought of being asked to appear on a radio or TV show to discuss my book. Now, I am excited and consider it an opportunity to engage others to think more deeply about themselves, authentic faith, and genuine spiritual maturity. I used to be more concerned about being liked and now I am more concerned about being effective. I have a message to proclaim and I am excited to get the word out.

 

I used to see myself as a sprinter—risking in short bursts. Now, I am seeing myself growing into an endurance athlete. I have both a mission and a message and it is my responsibility to preach the good news. If I am not getting hurt and failing, then I am not living courageously. It is my aim to be a lifelong learner. I am a transformational leader inviting others to join me in the journey of maximizing our potential and fulfilling our mission and life purpose.