Tag Archives: group counseling

Choose to Trust Love

Ultimately nothing is more important than whether our yearning for unconditional love and acceptance has the hope of fulfillment. In the end all of our successes and victories amount to very little in comparison to a life without the giving and receiving of love. This hunger for unearned love is at the heart of grace. What I believe continues to draw us to Jesus is his unwavering compassion for every single one of us. One of the favorite love stories told by Jesus was the Prodigal Son (Luke 15: 11-31). Enjoy this excerpt from Surprised by God: A Journey of Divine Discovery, Chapter 3, Grace.

No matter how many times we read a story such as the prodigal son, the father’s unconditional acceptance and loving embrace only penetrates the surface of our fears and limiting beliefs. Maybe for other people, we tell ourselves, but not us: “If I revealed my true nature—what I really think, feel, and believe―then God would not like me and possibly reject me. And then where would I be?”

The truth, however, is that God knows all about us, no matter how well we think we’ve kept our dark side hidden, and no amount of “good deeds” will win us any points with him. Although God desires that we follow his principles and obey his commands, his love for us is a completely separate issue irrespective of our conduct. It is the result of his choice to be true to his nature and not the result of our deserving it by our good behavior.

Yet foundational to any relationship—with God or another person―is trust. To be in a genuine, authentic relationship we have to trust that the other person will accept us as we are and forgive us when we fail, which we inevitably will. Before we can really risk being authentic with others, we must embrace and digest the marvelous truth that we are completely and unconditionally loved.

It is a choice for us to make, and it requires faith. I tell people all the time that I cannot “prove” that God loves them or me. It is a decision I make by faith. There is evidence to support either position: that God is loving or he is not. Our choice is what we are going to focus on, and on which body of evidence we are going to base our faith. Only when we feel secure in his love can we choose to love ourselves and risk being ourselves.

From a spiritual sense, we do not have the capacity to trust that leap without grace. It is what allows us to look at ourselves and our relationships in the light of truth. With grace we are emboldened to take the first step to being real, which is to understand how valuable it is to be true to ourselves.

Join us in this discovery of the divine both inside us as well as all around us. Let yourself be surprised by God in each and every moment. Check out the life transforming work we are doing at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. Please get your own copy of Surprised by God and recommend it to a friend. Initiate meaningful conversations about the love and joy available to us as we grow in grace.

Divine Discontent

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If you are like me then you long for meaningful and authentic relationships, You yearn to be seen, heard, and affirmed. You yearn for the love and safety of committed relationships. Accomplishments are great, yet, we will give up all our accolades for love.

From the very beginning, it was God’s intention that He would share in and enjoy an authentic and intimate relationship with His creation. No wonder the garden of Eden was paradise. Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed, open and accessible, with no barriers between each other or God. They enjoyed pure intimacy and unconditional acceptance and belonging.

In the New Testament, the narrative of Jesus reflects God’s desire for intimacy to be restored with His people. Jesus is the good shepherd, diligently gathering together His lost sheep. John 10:14–16 records Jesus’ words: “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd.”

The longing for this garden experience is hard-wired into us. We experience it now as discontent when we are not living a big life, loving others, and fulfilling Jesus’ promise: “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father” (John 14:12 NASB95). Jesus’ mission was to introduce the work of reconciling relationships, so that with His assistance we would carry it on to completion—that we would be one flock again. And, we would experience a divine discontent if we were out of relationship with God and with each other.

When Christians do not experience this divine discontent, it signals that they have lost their edge. Their relationship with God has become too comfortable, which in spiritual terms means stale and dead. They live by rote and habit, with no impetus to trust God and live by faith. Hebrews 11:6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God.” To experience a life of faith is to have a dynamic relationship with God and with others—a relationship that is powerful, alive, and stretches you to become more of who you were meant to be.

Surprised by God is a story of incarnational transformation–second order change from one life to the next. It is the story of one life impacting another and another. Anointed exponential growth! It tells how one person being genuine, telling truth, and seeking to live like Christ can make an eternal difference. Join us in this journey of being continually surprised by the joy of God available to all those who hunger and thirst for more of Him. The secret of getting more of Him is giving what you have away.

This Hallowed Place

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This past weekend, the CLE community enjoyed another sacred weekend we call Spring Retreat. We had our largest gathering ever, stretching the limits of our beloved DeKoven Center in Racine, WI. The time was especially meaningful because Eileen Parks (I am using her real name with permission), one of my original clients, joined us to celebrate her husband, Jon, who died three weeks earlier. She testified to Jon’s undying love for God, for people, and for the work of personal transformation–the theme of our weekend.

DeKoven was one of Jon’s favorite places. It was a space that became sacred for him. Jon represented the best of what we like to refer to as the DNA of CLE. Jon loved life and wanted to enjoy every moment passionately with anyone willing to learn, grow, and walk with him. Jon loved people and people loved Jon. He had an insatiable urge to share his feelings in the moment. He loved supporting anyone to heal, express their feelings, choose to live the biggest life possible, serve anyone in need, and love God with all their heart.

Eileen shared another one of Jon’s poems, written in February of 1995. Evidently, he wrote this poem following attending his first CLE retreat. May his words give you a vision for the life changing experiences we have on these weekends together.

Change

Jon Parks

(First CLE Retreat, February 1995)

This Holy Place will ever shine

Within my heart

Like summer fields drenched deep

In sunlight’s green beams.

Tis perfect place in time,

Where well-worn masks were gently set aside,

And hearts displayed in view for all to see.

This Hallowed Place,

Where humanness touched timelessness,

A glimpse caught of a sweet eternity.

And you O God are all of us,

Warrior, healer, visionary, teacher

And this one thing I know,

That we who shard this sacred place

Have touched eternity,

Our image made in you.

For this beauty and this miracle of

Life, to know and to be fully known,

The cry of every heart,

To Dance and sing and dance again,

Where dancing never ends,

To feel the deepest feelings,

To taste of life itself and find

one day, our hands outstretched to

touch the face of God.

I saw a person standing there, so filled

With pain and misery,

I longed to hold them to my breast,

To comfort them with love.

And then as I grew closer still,

I was amazed to see,

That this poor wounded aching heart

was my best friend called me.

The Panic of Insufficiency

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“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I heard back from the publisher about my most recent book proposal (last count was six previous manuscripts.) It was rejected, yet with extraordinarily kind and constructive comments. This publisher grasped there were pearls buried amidst my thoughts and ideas.

Disheartened again! I am feeling vulnerable and lacking confidence. I am fighting the feeling that something is wrong with me. I have been hiding out, fearing criticism and rejection. I am questioning my capacity to endure. I am fighting the panic of insufficiency.

It is in these moments I hear the still small voice reminding me of that which is greater than myself hidden within me. Paul’s phrase plays in my mind, “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” It is the mystery of the incarnation—God within each of us. A glimmer of hope returns and I find myself repeating, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

At our core we are spiritual beings. Within our soul is planted the potential for abundant life and supernatural works. Jesus came in part to reawaken in us the hunger for growing into our Christ-selves. It is in our DNA to multiply our gifts and talents in the service of others. This process of maturation requires transformation and the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to a life of faith.

Jesus reminded us that the kingdom of heaven is within us. When speaking of the kingdom, Jesus alluded to the potential for life and growth lying within each of us. He referred to the kingdom of heaven being like a mustard seed planted in a field. A small seed, almost imperceptible, carrying within it the purpose and potential to grow exponentially. He also spoke of leaven hidden within the dough doing its mysterious work of transformation.

Join me in feeling my fear and embracing my insufficiency. Let us reach out for his loving support and learn how to rely on Him. Although created in the image of God, we are designed to live in dependence on Him. Jesus taught that the branches must abide in the vine if they are to bear fruit. Staying connected is especially challenging when I continually want to prove that I can do all things on my own!

Jesus said, “Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” John 14:11,12

Hitting the Curve Ball

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I remember going to watch two friends play in a baseball tournament. Although I learned that the game was rained out, I saw a way to still have some fun. There was a batting cage next to the dugouts and I suggested that we hit a few balls. I had always wanted to tap into my inner Ted Williams. They loved the idea.

I dug in and prepared for Dennis to throw me a few pitches. They came straight and fast and I was extremely pleased that I was getting a few hits against a pitcher of his caliber. True to form, my enthusiasm migrated into arrogance and I started trash talking. “Bring it on…is that all you got!”

I saw Dennis get what I now know to be a “pitcher’s grin” and had no idea what he had in store for me. He threw me a couple more fastballs that I devoured as if they were Krispy Kreme donuts. In anticipation of hitting the ball out of the park, I started my swing a little earlier and swung at bit harder at his next pitch.

The instant the ball left Dennis’ hand, I knew something was terribly wrong. First, the ball appeared to be coming right at my head and I had no intention of getting close and personal with this rapidly approaching projectile. Second, I was nearly completing my swing and the ball was only half way to the plate. What happened?

I desperately tried to slow my swing down; however, my bat was already past the plate rapidly making a run for home. I was helplessly watching this ball curve down and away from my face as it leisurely traveled through the strike zone. Wow.

I was in shock and what brought me back to consciousness was the acute pain in my back resulting from trying to slow down my herculean swing. The howling from my friends was deafening. Dennis was rolling on the ground laughing hysterically and I was trying to find my balance having just been introduced to my first curve ball.

I was living in the fantasy of thinking that I was a batting prodigy. With only a few minutes in the batting cage, I was hoping that I would be able to hit like a professional. I see how I have the same fantasies in life. I mistakenly believe that if I were better at things then I would be happy and fulfilled. I confuse the outcome with the process.

Life is an ecstatic dance lived spontaneously in the moment. It is free, alive, and mysterious. Attempts to script and control life (both ours as well as others) are lethal. We habitually seek for certainty and attempt to find comfort in routine and predictability. We mistakenly believe that what we want is to be in control. It may be what we want; however, what we need is to live by faith. Faith is the capacity to move forward in the face of the unknown. It is the courage to act in the face of uncertainty and doubt.

A life worth living and a God worth worshipping—I see these as central values in a life well lived. Will you allow me to consider one facet of God using my experience at the batting cage? A God worthy of our worship is like a divine pitcher. He throws the pitches and we try to get a hit.

Our job is to hit the balls we are pitched. Growing in our skill of hitting involves a life dedicated to deliberate practice and a willingness to learn from our mistakes and failings. Winning is redefined as learning and growing from our disappointments and breakdowns. In this game we are a team actively depending on our teammates to be dedicated to becoming the best players possible.

We are not the pitcher. It is not our responsibility to select the type of pitch, pace or placement. Our responsibility is to select the pitches we are going to try and hit. Regardless of their pace and placement, we are here to be continually improving ourselves as batters. Avoid the temptation to focus too much on the pitcher and his pitches.

At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment we love supporting players who want to learn, grow and become the best hitters they can be. Join us and become a part of our team. It is a blast and you will see remarkable growth and improvement.

My Commencement Speech!

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For those of you who were not able to be there in person, I wanted to share with you the excitement and joy that I felt while delivering one of the commencement speeches at the graduation ceremony in which I received my second master’s degree from the Wright Graduate Institute. It was a great honor to be asked to speak, and I feel grateful for the opportunity to further share my journey, my vulnerability, and my faith! I hope you will take a look leave me a comment or two letting me know what you think.

~Rich

God’s Infinite Love: My Choice by A.M.

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When I first joined assignment group, a senior member of my group told me that no matter what happens in the group, to remember that Rich was always for me 100%. I learned over time that this was true and that despite whatever happened in group, Rich always had my back. Even though I was messed up and full of it, Rich still believed in me, supported me, and loved me. Later I came to learn that this was love and positive regard.

This love was a stark contrast to anything that I had experienced for the first 40 years of my life. My Dad was anything but loving. He was a volatile and punitive man and his “love” was conditional. He was harsh, abusive, and selfish. I truly feared my father for the first 40+ years of my life. I see now that he was just trying to get his own needs met, and that he himself had grown up with a harsh and unloving father.

I viewed God as an extension of my father. I saw him as harsh, mean, petty and unloving. This was a choice that I made and it colored all of my core beliefs about the world. That took me right up until 2004 or so when I accepted Christ as my savior. In fact, it took me beyond that.

In 2004, I went on a CLE retreat and experienced Rich’s love in a breath work exercise. The next week in church at WCNS, they did an altar call and one of my group members from the retreat joined me as I went forward from my seat. Shortly after that I was baptized. It was at that point that I accepted Christ, and my relationship with God began to change. I began to read the bible and talk more with people about God. And ultimately the door opened for me to change the way I thought about God.

Even after those experiences, I still believed deep down that God was unloving, mean, and punishing. It is only recently, many years later, that my core beliefs about God have changed. And I know it has changed because my world view has changed, rather, I have chosen to have another world view and that is only possible because my core belief about God has changed.

It all goes back to Rich and his uncommon love and positive regard for me. It had been a big leap of faith to accept this as love after what I experienced with my own Father. I wasn’t always great about taking it in, but when I did, it had a profound impact on me. I gradually began to love myself. And I gradually began to accept the possibility that God loved me the same way Rich did, and more.

This all came to a head this summer on a trip to a Willow Creek Camp. During my daily quiet time with God, I came to see that I did not act in ways that showed that I believed in and trusted a loving God. I acted as if the world was a place of fear, pain, and scarcity, rather than a playground of abundance and possibilities. I played it safe, and had a relatively small life as a result.

I had a choice to make. I could continue to see the world as i always had, or I could see the world through the eyes of a loving and kind heavenly Father. My experience with Rich in assignment group and on retreats was the means by which I was able to change how I viewed God. A great verse from the Bible is:

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
(Luke 11:11-13 NIV)

When I compared my Dad to Rich, and then extrapolated Rich to God my heavenly Father, I realized that I had underestimated God’s love for me by an infinite amount. More importantly, I saw that my belief about God’s love and goodness is a faith choice. I can choose to see God as loving and kind and the world as full of opportunities and abundance. Or I can continue to believe as I always have. This is really a question of faith, since there is plenty of evidence for both.

I have decided to trust God and to and to believe that God is for me 100% (or more!) I believe that God loves me, and will provide for me, and that the world is a place of promise, of opportunity, and of abundance.

My work is to act out that faith every day. I need to live a big life, and take appropriate risks. I need to see a loving God at work in the world, in everything that happens to me, and to see it all as for my good. It is a choice that I must continue to make every day.

4 Steps to Revitalize Your Marriage

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A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34

Marriage. It is fun and exciting at first; however, it is much more challenging to nurture and grow over the long haul. Falling in love and deciding to get married is like parachuting for the first time. Initially your decision of whether or not to parachute is filled with terror, excitement, and anticipation. All the focus is on whether or not you will actually go through with it and whether or not you will survive.

Once the wedding is over, now what? Couples cope with the transition from engagement to marriage differently. Some panic and frantically try to keep the drama going. They are seeking another high like they had when they were courting. They want to date instead of dig in and develop their relationship. Others shuffle ahead in their relationship as if they were on autopilot. They mindlessly move forward, establishing their careers, having children, and struggling to be the best parents they can be. Whether we seek the dating high or the deadness of numbing out, all of us can benefit greatly by practicing a few basic strategies.

All of our marriages will benefit from some coaching and guidance. We seem more equipped to find a mate and less prepared to know what to do once we are married. Most people do not seek out help until there is some breakdown of significance. All of us want marriages that are better than our parents’; however, eventually we realize that we have our parents’ marriage.

I want to introduce you to four principles (F-E-A-R) that I believe make up the foundation of healthy, growing and vital relationships. I will briefly introduce each of the principles and elaborate on them in future blogs. At CLE, we have proven that practicing these principles will transform your relationships with yourself, with others, and with God.

FEEL

Feelings are the language of the heart. Our hearts are moved when we are touched by meaningful experiences and encounters. When our hearts are moved, feelings are released. Although feelings occur naturally, most of us have learned to deny and numb ourselves to our feelings. To renew and revitalize our relationships we must reconnect with our hearts and our feelings.

EXPRESS

As you become increasingly aware of your feelings, the next step is to express them. Experiencing your feelings without expressing them is both unhealthy and stingy. Feelings are to be both experienced and expressed. Feelings enable our hearts to become attached to each other. Feelings expressed build safety, comfort and closeness with others. Expressing our feelings floods your relationships with energy, joy and aliveness. Expressing our feelings helps us connect with our deepest hungers.

ATTACH

Attachment is the process infants go through when they bond with their mothers. For a child to develop a healthy sense of attachment they need to be accurately perceived in the here and now, with positive regard, consistently, and unconditionally. As adults and especially as partners, we need our attachment needs met continually. We don’t top needing to be seen and heard ever. We not only need to feel and express ourselves; we need to provide a safe haven for our spouses to feel and express themselves.

RISK

Take action. Feel, express, and engage with your partner. Listen to them, learn what they want and need, and give it to them. Risk feeling awkward and doing something that might not feel comfortable. Take the initiative and lead in your relationship. Both partners need to think of how they can invest in their marriage as well as building into themselves.

Watch for the upcoming blogs where we will unpack the importance of each of these strategies: Feel/Express/Attach/Risk. Love one another.

The Dangers of Dogma

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“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” Steve Jobs

“Don’t be trapped by dogma” said Steve Jobs in a commencement address to Stanford grads. Let’s be disturbed by these words. Dogma is the thoughts and teachings of others; it becomes dangerous when we have not adequately considered what we think and believe for ourselves. Who are we? What do we value? What do we believe? What matters most to us?

These questions require courage to ask and to answer. Paul Tillich writes, “Faith is the state of being ultimately concerned: the dynamics of faith are the dynamics of man’s ultimate concern.”[1] We must decide if we want to be conscious, thoughtful and concerned. We must yearn to move from the teachings of childhood to the grounded thinking and meaningful beliefs of adulthood. What is our ultimate concern? As Paul wrote:

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians4: 14-15

If we are going to mature into the amazing beings we are capable of and realize a fraction of our potential, then we are going to need to challenge dogma. Without meaningfully questioning what we have been taught, we will never develop grounded convictions of our own. Most defensiveness and superiority is a cover for the insecurity that results from living an unexamined life. Adherence to dogma leads to division and mindless fundamentalism.

At the Center for Christian Life Enrichment we encourage everyone to identify and bring to consciousness their beliefs and values. These beliefs are learned in childhood and form the operating system of our lives. They are working below the level of awareness all the time. It is in learning how to identify our core beliefs that we are able to consider and decide what it is that we consciously want to adhere to and let guide our lives.

This choice to examine what we think, believe and value is a core responsibility of every adult. It is our duty to be aware of what is continuously motivating and influencing us at an unconscious level. As children we were encouraged and rewarded for conforming to the standards and expectations of our parents. As adults it is our obligation to challenge what we have been taught and decide what we want to genuinely value and believe in.

Socrates was right when he said that the unexamined life is not worth living. We have the joy and responsibility as human beings to embrace what we have been taught and test it to see if it is consistent with what we believe and value as adults. There will be principles and morals we retain and there will those we replace. This is a key element in the process of our individuation—our journey to becoming whole and complete human beings.

The game is consciousness. How can we as Christians really expect to become like Christ if we lack the courage and determination to identify and weigh what we really believe. Have courage and make it your aim to ground what you believe and value in thoughtful and conscious deliberation. Chase truth at all costs in the pursuit of actualizing our seemingly limitless human potential.

“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!” -Anne Frank

[1] Paul Tillich, Dynamics of Faith

The Gift of Love

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Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you. 1 Timothy 4:14

Sunday, May 22, 2011, I was officially ordained as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ at Christian Life Church. My family, friends, and the community of faith from the Center for Christian Life Enrichment surrounded me with their love and support. It was an experience I had dreamed of and will forever treasure as one of the high points of my life. My daughter, Lauren, said it was as if I was at my own funeral listening to people acknowledge me and what I meant to them.

I began my message with a story about my big brother, Charlie, who is 14 years older than me. Growing up, Charlie was like a dad to me. I looked up to him and treasured the times we spent together. He consistently made an effort to include me in his life, teaching me to play football, hike, shoot, and fish. He was a powerful athlete and loved football like I did. As a result of his unending conflict with my father, he enlisted in the Navy when he was 19. Watching him leave was the saddest day of my childhood. At the time, I felt abandoned by him and did not understand why he couldn’t take me with him.

I recalled a time when he returned home and I was wildly excited to see him. I’m sure I was like an ADHD kid on steroids. We were playing around on the driveway and I started wrestling with him. I grabbed him, spun him around, and tossed him on the ground. I am sure I jumped on him as well for good measure. Suddenly, I saw Charlie holding his ribs and moaning. Somehow in the process, he had gotten hurt. I was stunned. How could Superman be injured? I felt like Lambert the Lion unsure of where my strength had come from!

Instantly, I went from feeling excited to feeling terribly scared. Fear that once again I was “too much” and shame that I had hurt my brother who I loved were threatening to overwhelm me. A trip to the doctor confirmed my brother’s diagnosis—broken ribs. I was mortified. This scene illustrates my conflicted sense of self—on the one hand, a rough and tough boy from birth and on the other hand a deeply sensitive guy who was extremely concerned about the feelings of others.

I recently returned from a visit with my 94 year old mother. She gave me a mid-year report she had found from Wirtabel Harris, my nursery school teacher. I was four years old. She wrote, “Richard likes active, outdoor play and is very definitely a leader in his group of friends…because he is so “rough and tough”, it is surprising to see how easily he becomes crushed when he feels rejected or has to wait too long for a special toy.” This tough/tender tension is part of my DNA.

When I was preparing my ordination message, I suddenly realized that this inability to reconcile my conflicted sense of self was part of why I was so drawn to Jesus. I saw in him the same tough and tender dichotomy. Jesus was a courageously tough truth-teller who was willing to stand up to anyone regardless of position or status. He was also the most compassionate and tender-hearted physician of the soul. I saw myself in Him and believed that He would help me to make sense of myself.

It was in Christ that I found the incarnation of everything I was longing for. He became my hero and my savior. Jesus was the embodiment of strength and tenderness. He was my source of safety, security and rest. Jesus was the basis for me mattering—I believed He took the initiative to seek me out and invite me into a personal relationship with Him. It was in Christ that I had the hope of having all my hungers satisfied. It was through my relationship with Jesus that I found meaning and purpose. My call was not only to a relationship with Him—it was to a life of sharing God’s unlimited and unconditional love with the world.

This was such a special day because I was surrounded by those I love who were affirming God’s work and call in my life.