Tag Archives: Support

Choose to Trust Love

Ultimately nothing  is more important than whether our yearning for unconditional love and acceptance has the hope of fulfillment. In the end all of our successes and victories amount to very little in comparison to a life without the giving and receiving of love. This hunger for unearned love is at the heart of grace. What I believe continues to draw us to Jesus is his unwavering compassion for every single one of us. One of the favorite  love stories told by Jesus was the Prodigal Son (Luke 15: 11-31). Enjoy this excerpt from Surprised by God: A Journey of Divine Discovery, Chapter 3, Grace.

No matter how many times we read a story such as the prodigal son, the father’s unconditional acceptance and loving embrace only penetrates the surface of our fears and limiting beliefs. Maybe for other people, we tell ourselves, but not us: “If I revealed my true nature—what I really think, feel, and believe―then God would not like me and possibly reject me. And then where would I be?”

The truth, however, is that God knows all about us, no matter how well we think we’ve kept our dark side hidden, and no amount of “good deeds” will win us any points with him. Although God desires that we follow his principles and obey his commands, his love for us is a completely separate issue irrespective of our conduct. It is the result of his choice to be true to his nature and not the result of our deserving it by our good behavior.

Yet foundational to any relationship—with God or another person―is trust. To be in a genuine, authentic relationship we have to trust that the other person will accept us as we are and forgive us when we fail, which we inevitably will. Before we can really risk being authentic with others, we must embrace and digest the marvelous truth that we are completely and unconditionally loved.

It is a choice for us to make, and it requires faith. I tell people all the time that I cannot “prove” that God loves them or me. It is a decision I make by faith. There is evidence to support either position: that God is loving or he is not. Our choice is what we are going to focus on, and on which body of evidence we are going to base our faith. Only when we feel secure in his love can we choose to love ourselves and risk being ourselves.

From a spiritual sense, we do not have the capacity to trust that leap without grace. It is what allows us to look at ourselves and our relationships in the light of truth. With grace we are emboldened to take the first step to being real, which is to understand how valuable it is to be true to ourselves.

Join us in this discovery of the divine both inside us as well as all around us. Let yourself be surprised by God in each and every moment. Check out the life transforming work we are doing at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. Please get your own copy of Surprised by God and recommend it to a friend. Initiate meaningful conversations about the love and joy available to us as we grow in grace.

Consciously Choosing Life

Life is to be lived fully in the here and now. All we can know for certain is what is right now. The past is history and the future is fantasy. The past makes friends with regret and the future invites anxiety. Both of these are thieves of life in the now.

What characterizes the here and now?

First, our breath. Our breath not only connects us with ourselves, it is the source of life. Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” (Genesis 2:11) The material became spiritually alive when we were given breath. Breath is what breaches the great divide that separates life from death. When someone dies, we know they have left this life when they breathe no more.

The here and now is also made manifest in our bodies. We can feel and experience our body in the here and now. We see with our eyes and smell with our noses. We notice our tongue swimming in our mouths. We feel our fingers scurry as we type. We sense our chest expand and contract as we breath. We experience our heart pumping the blood filled breath throughout our bodies.

Our feelings fill every moment in the here and now. Although easy for us to diminish and dismiss, feelings fill every moment of life. We have mountains of feelings seeking to be experienced and expressed in every moment. Feelings are the language of our souls—our deepest and possibly most spiritual expressions.

Become conscious of our breath and we are living in the moment. Feel our bodies and we are experiencing the present. Uncover our feelings and we have found the here and now.

The trinity of consciousness—our breath, our bodies, and our feelings. Treasure these three and we will we will be well served on our expedition of life.

Join us, a community of conscious pilgrims, looking for partners on the journey of becoming our most Christ-like selves. Living life consciously with our eyes fixed on Christ expressing our aliveness authentically. We are looking for those who are hungry and yearning for abundant life. Come play life with us at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment.

This Hallowed Place

This past weekend, the CLE community enjoyed another sacred weekend we call Spring Retreat. We had our largest gathering ever, stretching the limits of our beloved DeKoven Center in Racine, WI. The time was especially meaningful because Eileen Parks (I am using her real name with permission), one of my original clients, joined us to celebrate her husband, Jon, who died three weeks earlier. She testified to Jon’s undying love for God, for people, and for the work of personal transformation–the theme of our weekend.

6012450701_dd9cf2b7d6_oDeKoven was one of Jon’s favorite places. It was a space that became sacred for him. Jon represented the best of what we like to refer to as the DNA of CLE. Jon loved life and wanted to enjoy every moment passionately with anyone willing to learn, grow, and walk with him. Jon loved people and people loved Jon. He had an insatiable urge to share his feelings in the moment. He loved supporting anyone to heal, express their feelings, choose to live the biggest life possible, serve anyone in need, and love God with all their heart.

Eileen shared another one of Jon’s poems, written in February of 1995. Evidently, he wrote this poem following attending his first CLE retreat. May his words give you a vision for the life changing experiences we have on these weekends together.

 

Change

Jon Parks

(First CLE Retreat, February 1995)

This Holy Place will ever shine

Within my heart

Like summer fields drenched deep

In sunlight’s green beams.

Tis perfect place in time,

Where well-worn masks were gently set aside,

And hearts displayed in view for all to see.

This Hallowed Place,

Where humanness touched timelessness,

A glimpse caught of a sweet eternity.

And you O God are all of us,

Warrior, healer, visionary, teacher

And this one thing I know,

That we who shard this sacred place

Have touched eternity,

Our image made in you.

For this beauty and this miracle of

Life, to know and to be fully known,

The cry of every heart,

To Dance and sing and dance again,

Where dancing never ends,

To feel the deepest feelings,

To taste of life itself and find

one day, our hands outstretched to

touch the face of God.

I saw a person standing there, so filled

With pain and misery,

I longed to hold them to my breast,

To comfort them with love.

And then as I grew closer still,

I was amazed to see,

That this poor wounded aching heart

was my best friend called me.

A Tribute to my Friend Jon Parks

It has been about two weeks since the death of my friend, Jon Parks. He fought a courageous 15 year battle against prostate cancer. I had the pleasure of walking with him during this journey along with his wife Eileen. I remember our first couples group after he learned of his diagnosis. I will never forget hearing him cry out to God, “I don’t want to die!” Jon loved life. He loved his wife, Eileen, and he loved his boys.  Jon wanted to live with every cell in his body.

rich eileen jonI miss Jon. The Center for Christian Life Enrichment has lost a vital member of our body and we are hurting. Everyone is hurting. It is our turn to experience the pain that Jon lived with every day. I must confess that I was so relieved when I learned of Jon’s death. It hurt me to my core to see him suffering, even though he handled it with such courage and grace. I feel like it is our turn now, Jon. You have passed the baton of a life lived well to us.

When I remember Jon the word that comes to my mind is passion. Jon was passionate about everything aligned with life. Everyone and everything was his favorite. Jon made you feel like you were the most important person in his life in that moment. A rare gift. Even more rare because Jon meant it. In spite of his boundless enthusiasm, Jon was sincere. An unusual combo.

I will always think of Jon as a poet. I have been blessed so many times through listening to his poetry. I think back to the many times when I was leading a group and I would catch that hungry look in his eye. I knew what it meant. Jon had another poem he had written and it was crying out to be shared in that moment. I would reluctantly relinquish turrning over the mic to Jon, lest I never get it back. How I miss those times now. I want to share one of his poems that is crying out to be shared. I share this in honor of his life.

When you’re dying of cancer,
it really doesn’t matter if the Mets won, or who’s running
for president, or that the windows need painting,
you only notice the tick, tick, tick of the clock as time slips
silently away from you,
and like sand pouring through your fingers,
it scatters into the wind and onto the cold ground,
reminding you each golden moment of life, of your life,
is gone forever once lived,
and that they are not endless,
but finite,
and counted,
and that there are only so many God gives you,
and no more,
just death and then eternity.

So live your moments well my cancerous comrades,rich sue and jon
and do your loving well,
as you battle on against this beast so vile and strong,
let every dawn be one more victory,
each setting sun a crown upon your head;
you who’ve learned the truth of all that’s valuable:
the ecstasy of living for another day,
of knowing you are loved,
and feeling God Himself so close to you.

Sing, robin red breast,
sing your lovely chorus to the day,
and dance around the branches, squirrel,
for all of nature loves your praise for life,
and we will join your chorus,
we who know the glory of this day.

Once again, Jon, my scarcity has been overwhelmed with joy and awe. Thanks for sharing, my brother. Your heart is huge.

Touched by Love

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

Listening to Nancy Rollin’s interview about her terrifying experience at the Boston Marathon touched my heart deeply. I was moved because I could feel how much she cared about all those who were hurt and suffered.

Seeing one human being love another is what touches and inspires me the most. Love is a word that is used and understood by young children as well as adults. The phrase,“Love you,” is a staple in most relationships.Kids know what they mean even though they may have no adequate definition. As adults we recognize that love is easy to say and much harder to do consistently.

Eric Fromm writes in his book The Art of Loving, “Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself; to retain his integrity.”3181451090_d9b3390973_o

Life is about relationships. Alfred Adler believed that the foundation of healthy living was our concern for others, growing out of our respect and concern for ourselves. We too often confuse love with excessive or unnecessary sacrifice. Love involves a mutual exchange between individuals much like the love experienced between a mother and her newborn infant. The infant does not appear to give as much as the mother; however, is there any question that the mother feels loved by her child? Love is a reciprocal experience of sharing concern and giving to one another.

Love is also a transcendental principle and ideal, which has been the base drumbeat driving my life. Looking back, I see how I have been chasing love from my earliest memories. I did not recognize my hunger nor would I have described it as a yearning for love. I have yearned to love and be loved from the very beginning.

2569927379_a34556beeaLove has been North on my compass. When I was younger I thought I understood what love was. I could quote 1 Corinthians 13 and many of the “love one another” verses in the Bible. Time and repeated failures have humbled me. I now experience a sense of reverence and awe when I think of love, believing that apart from Divine Assistance I will continuously fall short of its demands.

At the heart of love is giving. Jesus said, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45) A rich and meaningful life is the blessing for those who will choose to invest their lives in loving one another.

Watch today for the divine appointments that are offering you the opportunity to give and serve others. These are the building blocks of a life of love. Jesus challenged the disciples saying, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 13:35) Remember, loving is an act shared in community with others. In its purest form, it is a mutual and reciprocal act of concern for and giving to one another.

My Celebration of Mollie Mae Blue

It has been three years since my dad died. My mom and dad were married for more than 70 years. She has spent the last several years grieving, adjusting to living alone, and living her life to the fullest.

 

Several months ago I received a call from my brother saying that mom was very sick. I called her and knew the minute I heard her voice that she was struggling. Normally invincible, she was experiencing a lot of swelling in her legs, pain all over, and almost no energy. She said her heart was tired and that she was ready die. I will never forget the shockingly forthright and open conversation we had about dying. I was in shock and not on board with her decision yet.

Her condition improved; however, it was apparent that she was nearing the end of this life. Sue and I quickly planned a trip out to see her but it would not be until the end of August—four weeks away. My mom told me that she could not guarantee living that long. I began negotiating with her the terms of her last days. Eventually she agreed that she would intend to live and not die before seeing Sue and me again.

 

How many people are so blessed to have this kind of conversation with their 95-year-old mom? I was filled with inspiration at her recognition of her power. She understood the power of intention and the complexity of death—in some ways it is outside of our control and in other ways we have been given a lot of say-so. Her focus for the month of August was recovering and living until we visited. We talked several times a day and I was monitoring her condition. With every day she gained hope, strength, and aliveness.

 

She not only lived until our visit, she thrived. Her doctor determined what was wrong (Polymyalgia Rheumatica) and the medication she received helped her renew her strength. By the time we saw her she was zipping about the house exuding energy and joy. Somehow, I knew she would do it. Seeing her was such a blessing; however, it was not long before I was bugging her and she was trying to reign me in. Some things never change.

 

My greatest memory of our visit was when my mom told me that she had something to talk with me about. Historically, I had been the one to initiate these kind of heart-to-heart conversations. She told me that she had been praying for the opportunity to share her concerns about my expression of anger. I couldn’t believe it.  I was both shocked and thrilled. To use CLE lingo, she wanted to “clear” with me.

 

She shared with me her concerns and I listened. I shared my perspectives and she listened. The intensity of the conversation grew, as did the aliveness. I was noticing that we were having a respectful and responsible fight.  There was no room for this kind of discussion in our home growing up. I was ecstatic.

 

Suddenly my fear surfaced. What if she died while we were fighting? I saw the scary masks of guilt and shame trying to divert me from the joy and aliveness of the moment. On the contrary, what better way to die than to be truthfully and passionately engaging with one another in the pursuit of intimacy? When we were finished (2 hours seemed like 2 minutes) my mom and I were radiant and energized. I was inspired and filled with joy and gratitude. What a testament to the work we have done to repair and deepen our relationship over the past 25 years. Thank God for my anger!

 

 

Mollie Mae Blue was born on October 16, 1916 in Chicago. (You do the math; this will diminish her upset with me for revealing her age.) 1916 was the year the light switch was invented and the Chicago Cubs won their first game in Weeghman Park (currently Wrigley Field) against the Cincinnati Reds. Mollie Mae was born during World War I (1914-1918), which resulted in the death of more than 9 million combatants. Democratic President Woodrow Wilson narrowly defeated Republican Charles E. Hughes.

 

Mollie and I are continuing daily to enjoy our honest, alive and feeling-filled conversations. I am a blessed son and man.

4 Steps to Revitalize Your Marriage

    A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  John 13:34

 

Marriage. It is fun and exciting at first; however, it is much more challenging to nurture and grow over the long haul. Falling in love and deciding to get married is like parachuting for the first time. Initially your decision of whether or not to parachute is filled with terror, excitement, and anticipation. All the focus is on whether or not you will actually go through with it and whether or not you will survive.

 

Once the wedding is over, now what? Couples cope with the transition from engagement to marriage differently. Some panic and frantically try to keep the drama going.  They are seeking another high like they had when they were courting. They want to date instead of dig in and develop their relationship. Others shuffle ahead in their relationship as if they were on autopilot.  They mindlessly move forward, establishing their careers, having children, and struggling to be the best parents they can be. Whether we seek the dating high or the deadness of numbing out, all of us can benefit greatly by practicing a few basic strategies.

 

All of our marriages will benefit from some coaching and guidance. We seem more equipped to find a mate and less prepared to know what to do once we are married. Most people do not seek out help until there is some breakdown of significance. All of us want marriages that are better than our parents’; however, eventually we realize that we have our parents’ marriage.

 

I want to introduce you to four principles (F-E-A-R) that I believe make up the foundation of healthy, growing and vital relationships. I will briefly introduce each of the principles and elaborate on them in future blogs. At CLE, we have proven that practicing these principles will transform your relationships with yourself, with others, and with God.

 

FEEL

 

Feelings are the language of the heart. Our hearts are moved when we are touched by meaningful experiences and encounters. When our hearts are moved, feelings are released. Although feelings occur naturally, most of us have learned to deny and numb ourselves to our feelings. To renew and revitalize our relationships we must reconnect with our hearts and our feelings.

 

EXPRESS

 

As you become increasingly aware of your feelings, the next step is to express them. Experiencing your feelings without expressing them is both unhealthy and stingy. Feelings are to be both experienced and expressed. Feelings enable our hearts to become attached to each other.  Feelings expressed build safety, comfort and closeness with others. Expressing our feelings floods your relationships with energy, joy and aliveness. Expressing our feelings helps us connect with our deepest hungers.

 

ATTACH

 

Attachment is the process infants go through when they bond with their mothers. For a child to develop a healthy sense of attachment they need to be accurately perceived in the here and now, with positive regard, consistently, and unconditionally. As adults and especially as partners, we need our attachment needs met continually. We don’t top needing to be seen and heard ever. We not only need to feel and express ourselves; we need to provide a safe haven for our spouses to feel and express themselves.

 

RISK

 

Take action. Feel, express, and engage with your partner. Listen to them, learn what they want and need, and give it to them. Risk feeling awkward and doing something that might not feel comfortable. Take the initiative and lead in your relationship. Both partners need to think of how they can invest in their marriage as well as building into themselves.

 

 

Watch for the upcoming blogs where we will unpack the importance of each of these strategies: Feel/Express/Attach/Risk. Love one another.

 

 

Friendships: The Most Worthwhile Investments

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13 

 

Relational unrest and breakdown is all around us and has hit close to home. Recently, we were surprised to see moving vans in front of the house of our next-door neighbors. They were a young couple with three kids. We later learned that they were going through a messy divorce. We never even knew they were struggling. Last week we were shocked to see the police surrounding the house of another neighbor two doors down from us. A domestic disturbance led to a five-hour siege with SWAT teams converging on this older couple’s home. We had no idea they were having any trouble. Sadly, the husband committed suicide.

 

Relationships are a mixed bag. We experience the most intense pain as well as the most meaningful pleasure in our relationships with others. From the moment of our conception, people are surrounding us. Conception initiates a relationship in which the fetus is completely dependent on his or her maternal host for existence. From start to finish, we cannot live without each other.

 

Admittedly, our survival is dependent on other people; however, without meaningful and nourishing relationships, we only exist and fail to experience the fullness of life. If we desire to have the abundant life that God wishes for each of us (John 10:10), we must cultivate our capacities and sharpen our skills for engaging authentically and meaningfully with others.

 

Relationships are a function of how we relate to ourselves. We are the living channel through which we relate to others. How we see, feel about, and treat ourselves matters—it impacts how we interface with others. Much like how the diet of a breast-feeding mother influences the digestion of her baby, so how we relate with ourselves influences how we will attach with others.

 

Many of us take our people skills for granted, mistakenly assuming that our capacity to connect meaningfully with each other is automatic—it is as if relating to each other were a part of our autonomic nervous system. Most of us will spend at least sixteen years investing in our education; yet, how many of us will even spend a couple hours with a counselor or life coach to enhance our friendships. We assume that we should naturally know how to relate effectively with others. Patently untrue.

 

It is a fact that we will all have relationships; however, what is in question is the quality and depth of our relationships. Relationships are on a continuum, from schizoid and splintered to intimate and interdependent. We have the choice as well as the responsibility to decide whether we want to have mediocre relationships or fulfilling friendships.

 

How we relate to others is heavily influenced by the quality and characteristics of the relationships we had with our parents and our siblings. It would behoove us all to take a second look at the health of our relationships within our family of origin. No family is perfect—all are filled with a blend of hurtful and healthy experiences.  The wise person is the one who learns from their past and practices for his or her future. As you learn and grow you can increase your capacity for intimacy with others. You attract more relationships and build more nourishing and genuine friendships.

 

Please join me for a free webinar at 12:30 CST on Wednesday, January 4, in which I will be introducing some of the key concepts about friendships from my new book, Grappling with God: Renew Your Relationship and Deepen Your Faith. The 25 minute webinar is entitled, “7 Steps for Genuine Friendships.”  Register @ https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/466304954.

Courageously Committing


 “The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred… unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.”  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

 

Meaningful decisions that lead to personal transformation begin with courageous commitment and are brought to completion with burning desire and determined dedication.  This is one of the most important principles a person can learn in life. Many people wait for God to move and then they act. We have found at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment (CLE) that having the faith to risk stepping out into the unknown triggers the collaborative assistance of God.

 

Living by faith demands that we take risks and are willing to live our lives as an adventure in learning. Carol Dweck’s research on living with a growth mindset says that if we are not taking risks and making mistakes then we are not learning to our capacity. For some, learning came to a halt when they stopped going to school. I believe God designed us to be lifelong learners. We need to be living our lives in such a way that we are continually learning and growing. Taking risks, making mistakes, and incorporating the lessons learned is the formula for expanding faith and living increasingly fruitful lives.

 

I think of the growth mindset as the foundation for living by faith, recognizing that God is more concerned about our development and maturation than He is in us getting everything right. God is not a neurotic perfectionistic control-freak who is obsessed with us doing everything correctly. Instead, I believe God is a guide, mentor, coach, teacher and father who wants us to learn, grow, risk, and make mistakes in the pursuit of learning and living an abundant life. His plan is that we live courageously and learn from our mistakes as we become like His son, Jesus.

 

I have been inspired by the testimony of this courageous teenager whose speech I shared in my last blog post (Celebrating Courage and Commitment). Her dedication to learn and grow is highlighted by the fact that when she went out for cross country as a freshman in high school, she was out of shape and had never run competitively. She saw her life as an adventure and she wanted more. She knew she needed something and she understood that it was her responsibility to go out and get it. She wasn’t waiting for life to come to her. Somehow, she understood that it was her job to take risks and pursue opportunities.

 

She identified that distance running was interesting and valuable and she went out for the team. She knew she was inexperienced and was not unusually gifted athletically. Her success was the result of her initial commitment, her ongoing dedication and practice, her care for and investment in her teammates, and the support of her team and community. She led with her hunger and her character instead of her talent. She was quickly recognized as a leader and contributor on the team even though she was never one of the top atheletes.

 

This story is especially touching to me because I have lived with the mistaken belief that only those who are the best athletically are winners. My value as a human being has been a function of a host of external measures of success. For me, historically my success has been an illusive prey. When I first competed in a sport, my worth and value depended on whether I made the team. Once I made the team, the issue then became whether I would earn a starting position. Once I became a starter, then the question was whether I would earn all-league honors. If I made all league, then the concern would be whether I earned all state honors.  The measurement of my worth and value continued to move beyond what I could ever achieve. The net result was at some point I would fail to reach the goal and achieve the recognition. Was I now a failure?

 

All of these goals share the quality of having an external locus of control. They are all outside of the person and represent some form of external accomplishment and validation. The issue is not what you yourself value; instead, the issue becomes what those outside of you decide are the measures of success. Those objectives, like the rabbit at the dog track, eventually end up being beyond our grasp.

 

What inspires me in this story is that this young lady may have never won a race. Her last race was a PR (short, for personal record time). Her best time may never have resulted in her placing in a race. What then was she running for?  Instead of winning, she was competing. Instead of being the best, she was working hard. Instead of being the star, she was more interested in serving the team. She led from the pack instead of from the front. She earned her position as team captain based on her character as well as her commitment to the well being of her teammates.

 

This young lady is an inspirational transformational leader.  She is learning the power of living from principles instead of from performance. She is learning how to experience the joy and nourishment resulting from living true to her heart’s desires.

Celebrating Courage and Commitment

(This speech was written by the daughter of one of our CLE families. She is a senior at a local high school and was delivering this speech to her Cross Country teammates, parents and coaches at their end of season banquet. I hope you are inspired by her intitiative, courage, dedication and leadership. Her parents have paved the way through their own dedication to personal transformation for her to truly excel and flourish in life.)

  Four years, 196 practices, 36 races. For the four-year seniors here, that is what we have completed. It feels like forever, and has flown by at the same time. It has been an unforgettable experience that has done so much to shape me into who I am today. That is why, after crossing the finish line for the last time at the confer- ence race, I burst into tears. I had just had the best race of my life. At every turn there were my coaches, my teammates and my parents cheering for me. Ari my running buddy, was by my side, like always, silently rooting me on. I consciously refused to let fear enter my thoughts during a race for the first time I can remember. Instead I focused on how strong I felt, how strong the past four years had made me.

And now it’s over. This is the end of something great. I can only hope that in the future each of us can find something that we can once again love so fiercely, dedicate ourselves to so completely and can push us so hard and let us grow so much. And can most importantly, give us the gift of an amazing community, full of people who lift each other up to reach their individual goals. This is what Cross Country has done for me. It turned me from a shy, out of shape freshman who could barely run a half-mile on my first day, into a competitive runner and a captain who is surrounded by a massive group of girls whom I love. These girls have celebrated with me in my accomplishments, consoled me in my frustrations and pushed me to do things I never thought I could.

I had the time of my life with all of you and will always treasure the memories we made. But the Cross Country era will never end. While the season may, the spirit of the team will live on within each of us. Thank you for an incredible four years that will live on forever.