Tag Archives: Therapist

Paired Sharing with God

One of the simplest yet powerful tools we use at CLE is paired sharing*. This is an exercise where two or more people agree to purposefully and intentionally alternate between sharing and listening to one another. We ask people to use a timer and have a set period of time in which they share, beginning with rounds of two to three minutes each.  One person talks while their partner listens silently. The listeners suspend performing any of the normal activities associated with social and active listening. We ask them to avoid making empathic sounds and offering non-verbal gestures such as nodding, smiling, raising of the eyebrows, etc. When the speakers have completed their time to share, then the partners switch roles and the listeners becomes the sharers.

The speakers have the opportunity of having others listen to them without the fear of being interrupted or having the focus of attention taken off them. They have the chance to articulate what they think and how they feel without being influenced by the thoughts and cues of those who are listening to them.  They are able to get to know themselves in a whole new way.The speakers are encouraged to free associate, speaking to themselves as if no one was there listening to them. As counselors at CLE, we teach them to almost ramble or babble, following their feeling and urges instead of speaking as if they were writing a paper or giving a speech. The objective is for the speakers to express their thoughts and feelings without attempting to control or censor them.

The listeners are asked to listen in an unorthodox way. While listening, they are expected to hold the speaker in positive regard. This means that the listeners envision the speakers as whole and complete persons who are able to support themselves in getting what they want and need. Listeners are asked to make their own internal process the priority of their focus and attention. Listeners are to pay attention to what they are thinking and feeling while listening attentively to their partners. They are not expected to reflect back what they have heard their partners say.

This exercise has been life transforming for those who have made paired sharing part of their ongoing disciplines at CLE. We are finding it to be especially effective with couples, helping them to connect, see, and hear each other. We have also found paired sharing to be beneficial in our relationships with God. We actually have an assignment in our spiritual growth series where people are invited to do a three minutes (sharing) by three minute (listening) paired share with God once a day for thirty days.  This is proving to be a very challenging exercise which is deepening and strengthening peoples personal relationships with God.

Consider the opportunity to build your relationship with God through having a regular time of paired sharing. Consider it as a form of prayer or meditation designed to increase the openness and intimacy in your relationship with God.

* I am grateful to Bob Wright at the Wright Leadership Institute for introducing me to paired sharing.

Praying with Positive Regard

I was in my hot tub this morning praying.  I was experiencing lots of emotions; however, the predominant feeling was scared. I was aware of so many different things I was afraid of. First, my long time client at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment who is in the final stages of prostate cancer came to mind.  He is valiantly battling to live one day at a time. I also thought about my son who is individuating and living his life as an adventure. His most recent daring episode involves traveling by land from the southern tip of South America to California. Finally, my wife, Sue, was on my heart.  She is battling through challenging side effects associated with this rigorous 12 week detoxification process she has introduced us both to. (I might add, I may have been foolish when I decided to join her in this self imposed food famine. At the moment, I think I would rather be facing the dangers of backpacking through Central America than exorcising my toxins!)

As I was praying for Sue and the others, I suddenly noticed that there was a degree of desperation in my prayers. I was pleading and begging God for his support. I realized may prayers were full of drama and doubt. It was as if I was putting on a show for God, acting as if I needed to exaggerate and be overly dramatic in order to solicit his support. In an instant, I became aware of myself and how I was being with God while I was praying. At CLE, we would say I was growing in consciousness. This was a very meaningful moment for me in my relationship with God and in my relationship with myself.

I am becoming increasingly aware of how uncomfortable I am being–being with myself, with others, and with God. In the same way I use food to numb myself from what I am feeling and experiencing in the moment, I can see how I have used praying to do the same thing. I have a conversation with God, yet I am distracted and unaware of what I am feeling and thinking in the moment. It is like trying to have a meaningful conversation while watching TV. My prayers become like mindless chanting. They are actually distracting me from what I am doing and numbing me from what I am truly feeling and thinking in the moment.

This morning in that instant of insight, it was like I was witnessing the burning bush with Moses.  I had a moment of awareness. I suddenly realized I was praying for Sue as if she was a victim and asking God to rescue her.  I was lobbying for a divine bailout. I was not being respectful of Sue nor holding her in positive regard. I was not picturing Sue as being whole and complete, made in the image of God, capable of navigating her life. I was seeing her as weak, pitiful, and incapable of facing the challenges before her on the journey of transformation into her most Christ-like self.

I felt free. I no longer needed to hold Sue as a victim. I was not responsible for Sue. I did not need to manipulate God for divine aid. I felt hope. I knew Sue was strong, steadfast, capable, determined, and courageous. She was in a tough fight and needed powerful and wise coaches in her corner. She needed the support of the cloud of witnesses surrounding her and cheering her on spoken of in Hebrews 12. I was remembering both who I was praying for and who I was praying to. I was accurately perceiving her in the here and now. I was praying with positive regard.

Caring in Costa Rica

What comes to mind when you think of Costa Rica? Central America? Volcanoes? Waterfalls? Jungles? Coffee? Before coming here, all I really knew about Costa Rica was that this was the country my son visited and while there took part in a 300+ foot bungee jump!

Sue and I were invited to be a part of a team from Willow Creek Community Church sent to Costa Rica to teach and train pastors and other volunteers some of the basics of counseling. We have been leading workshops at a church in the heart of San Jose.  We have had over 60 attendees at each of our trainings and they have been so hungry to learn and grow. It has been our first experience teaching cross culturally using translators. What a delight it has been.

Yesterday, we visited a church located in one of the poorest communities in the heart of San Jose, Centro Christiano De Alabanza. We were so inspired by their Pastor, Alberto Castro, who believes that the sole purpose of the church is to love and care for each person in their community as if they were Christ himself. Pastor Alberto makes no distinction between parishioners and the people living on the streets. Each individual is someone Jesus cares about and it is his desire to help everyone from the homeless to the elderly. He sees all people as children of God. Everyone matters.

Our first stop was at a shack with tin siding housing over 200 children all waiting to receive their lunch. They were all dressed in donated clothes sitting so responsibly while waiting for their food. As we served these children, we were sobered to realize that poverty and danger are a way of life for these children. If it wasn’t for the services of this spiritual community, these kids would be the next generation of people lost to homelessness, life on the street, drugs, and ultimately death.

Next we visited two shelters where addicts are invited to come and participate in a nine month rehabilitation program at no cost. I was not able to stop crying as my heart broke for each of these people who powerfully shared their stories of drug abuse and survival on the street. Many of these kids were the age of my own children and had been fighting to survive for their whole lives.

Although their struggles are different than mine, I saw how each of us must fight each day to assume responsibility for our lives and the choices we make. Each of us must acknowledge our need, tell the truth about out what we think and how we feel, and reach out to a community greater than ourselves for the support we need to make the most of our lives. It is not so much about where we have come from. The real question is, “What are we doing with the resources we have been entrusted with?”

I am grateful to experience relationships with others who are growing up in a culture very different from my own. It is a privilege to see courageous people living out their faith in ways that are consistent with what they profess to believe. I am inspired, touched, and challenged to refine my understanding of God and the responsibilities I have to fulfill my life mission.

Authentic Love: The Journey from Infatuation to Intimacy

When my wife, Sue, and I first met it was electric. I was so drawn to her it was as if nothing else mattered. We dated for a few weeks, got engaged, and were married nine months later. Often, this is the way 21 year olds act when they are idealistic and in love.

Romantic relationships follow a predictable path. People meet, date, become infatuated with each other, marry, mate, and then watch entropy erode away their illusion of intimacy. Infatuation carries most couples through engagement and the early years of marriage. We find at Center for Christian Life Enrichment that infatuation is a time characterized by magical thinking and the desire to be made whole and complete by their significant other. Some think the key to marital bliss is finding their perfectly predestined partner while others marry believing that the love of their life can transform the defects of their significant other. These fairy tales never come true. Infatuation only gets us in the game. It offers no assistance in architecting genuine intimacy.

At CLE, we believe intimacy is the result of courageous honesty, deliberate practice, hard work, and supportive counseling. It is not about finding the best partner…it is about becoming the best partner. It begins by dispelling the romantic myths of being saved by another—being miraculously made whole by your mythical mate. It confronts the mistaken belief that love is something you find instead of forge.

In a mistaken attempt to find intimacy, I did for my wife everything I was hoping she would do for me. I would wash the car instead of making time to talk. I would build a deck instead of creating meaningful opportunities to connect and grow as a family.  I had no idea of how little I understood about intimacy. I had confused intimacy with infatuation. There was no work in falling in love. You don’t form it; you simply fall into it. What I associated with intimacy was a copy of the enmeshment I shared with my mother. What I confused with love was the sense of being lost in another person, where my feelings were their feelings and my desires were their desires. I had no differentiated sense of self.

Enmeshment or fusion is one of the most dangerous counterfeits of intimacy. Enmeshment involves the process of getting lost in another as an unconscious way of avoiding ourselves. We confuse supporting another person with unconsciously trying to live our lives through him or her. Most all spouses and parents struggle to discern the difference between true intimacy and enmeshment.

One of the most helpful tips in building intimacy is that both partners must dedicate themselves to their own individual growth and development. I will not be able to shape something with another that I am not in the process of forming within myself. Intimacy begins with me. It is about me stretching and growing into my Christ-self; not, me finding the right person. As I am individuating and becoming more mature, then I am going to have more and more resources to invest in my partnership.

As I am becoming more and more like Christ, I will be bringing more of myself to my relationships with my wife, my kids, and my trusted partners. As I am growing, I will be expecting more from those I love and they of me. I will be speaking the truth in love when they are not living true to their vision and values and expecting the same from them. I will be taking pleasure in the journey toward genuine intimacy.

Nancy Rollins

Nancy Rollins: Runner Extraordinaire

I met Nancy over 14 years ago. She was introduced to me by a friend and had expressed interest in working as a therapist at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment.
She had spent the last 20 years serving as a psychiatric nurse, having worked at Northwestern and now at Highland Park. She was highly regarded by all the staff and thought of as one of the most outstanding nurses on the unit.

She was hungry to help others in need and had an amazing way with people. She won me over in the first few minutes. I just knew she would be an awesome addition to my staff. I could see her being very effective and the most important quality to me was her genuine compassion and concern for others. I had a sense we would become friends and partners in the work of personal transformation.

I learned that we both had spent a number of years on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, sharing our mutual love for Christ and our passion for seeing others discover a personal relationship with God. I also sensed that she had learned a lot from her life experience and had a lot of wisdom. As an adult with a family, she too had returned to school and recently completed her Masters degree in Counseling from National Lewis University.

I was surprised and scared to learn that she had gone through a divorce. As a director of a relatively new counseling practice, I was not sure that the community we served would trust and respect someone who had been divorced. After hearing her story, I realized it was the same Nancy Rollins that I was getting to know who had responsibly and tenaciously attempted to save her marriage. I saw how much courage and faith it took for her to accept her inability to effect a change. I also knew she had remarried and had two sons, creating a strong and health family of 13 years.

I then became aware of how Nancy, having experienced the heartache and pain of a divorce, was eminently qualified to support others in learning how to heal and strengthen their relationships. She would end up becoming my most effective marital counselor. I knew I could send any couple to Nancy and they would bond and build a strong relationship through which the couple would heal and strengthen their partnership. She knew both the rewards as well as the hazards of intimate relationships.

In addition to her strong qualities and character, Nancy is one of the most highly respected masters level runners in Illinois and the Midwest. She holds nearly every masters level distance record in the state. She has run in nearly 60 marathons and completes in races of every distance every weekend through the running season. Nancy is not only an elite runner; she is a dynamic coach. She founded and leads the CLE Running Club at the Center for Life Enrichment, which serves a large number of people who want to blend the benefits of psychology along with the wisdom of heath and fitness.

Nancy is my trusted partner and senior therapist at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. She not only powerfully and effectively serves her clients; she also is a mentor and supervisor to the rest of our staff. Read more about Nancy at www.cle.us.com or find her on LinkedIn.

The Bible is not Enough

The Bible is not Enough

I remember when I came to the realization that the Bible is not enough. I was the campus director of Campus Crusade for Christ at Northwestern University. I was sitting across from a female student who was sharing with me that she had been repeatedly sexually abused as a child by her brother. I was stunned, shocked and horrified. I did not know what to say and fortunately did not say anything. I simply cried.

For years, I had been a serious student of the Bible, devoting hours each day to the study and application of the Scriptures. At the time, I was of the belief that a thorough knowledge of Bible would equip me to grow and mature in my spiritual life. In the moment following this student’s vulnerable disclosure, I experienced a crisis of faith. All the passages I might have normally referenced seemed trivial and unfitting. I did not know what to say. I was beginning to realize that the Bible alone was not the answer.

I had a sense that this woman was deeply wounded and needed something more than exhortation from the Scriptures. I felt like I was a Boy Scout with a first aid kit trying to help someone who was hemorrhaging from a severed artery. I felt small, ill-equipped, and powerless. I experienced a moment of disillusionment wondering how God could allow something like this to happen and how could I help her.

I reached out to other Christian professionals for help. Like me, many were appalled and uncertain about how to support her. Finally, someone gave me the name of a Christian counselor. At that time, Christian counseling was an oxymoron. Previously I had been of the opinion that counseling was for those who didn’t know Christ or who were ignorant of the Scriptures. If you were a devoted Christian, then you didn’t need counseling.

My eyes were opened. It was like a second spiritual awakening for me. The same passion I had for wanting to get to know God through studying the Bible, I now had for wanting to understand myself and others. How can I better appreciate why we do what we do? I resonated with Paul when he cried out, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (Romans 7:15) I was beginning to understand that spiritual transformation involved more than simply attending church, studying the Bible and practicing spiritual disciplines.

I started reading everything I could get my hands on that had to do with psychology and spirituality. The groundbreaking works of Larry Crabb, a pastor and psychologist, were very helpful. Mysteriously, I stumbled upon a book written by Paul Tournier, entitled, Guilt and Grace. Tournier was a Swiss physician and author who integrated Christianity with an understanding of psychology. While reading his book, I suddenly felt, “I make sense.” I was beginning to understand why I struggled with fear, insecurity, and self hate. My eyes were being opened to the possibility of healing in my own hidden areas where I felt irreparably damaged. I was beginning to appreciate that I was in as much need of healing as my student at Northwestern.

I began to understand God and faith from a different point of view. I was seeing how God’s truth was made manifest in all aspects of life, including the both the physical as well as the social sciences. I was learning that the personal and spiritual aspects of life were harmonious. I had hope that I could truly heal from the inside out and I could learn how to help others as well. I was experiencing what it felt like to be in the flow and swimming with the current of God’s love and wisdom. Little did I know that this journey would lead to the formation of the Center for Christian Life Enrichment and the hundreds of lives that have been and are being transformed in a community of grace and truth. We make it our aim to “Live life abundantly.”

Our Hunger for the Shepherd

I opened my email and saw a message from the chancellor of my graduate school.  My stomach tightens. This is not good. I open the email to find a short message instructing me to rewrite several of my papers.  Detonation! My kids refer to this as Dad turning into his “hulk-self.” I wanted revenge, retribution—a slow painful process of payback against my imaginary abuser.

Who doesn’t hunger and thirst to be seen, known, accepted, cared for, protected, guided, and comforted. We all long to return to the Garden, to be with the perfect parent. None of us, however, grows up in the ideal home or has perfect parents. Abraham Maslow recognized the developmental nature of our being, beginning with our physiological need for air, water, food, shelter, sleep and sex.  Without these fundamentals we cannot survive.  Although we might exist for a short while with our physical needs met, without having safety and security we will inevitably perish at the mercy of a predator.

With our physical and safety needs satisfied, now we can begin to address our hunger for love and belonging. We can’t stay alive without the basics, yet, what would be our quality of life if we never know love. Levels one and two in Maslow’s hierarchy addresses our drive to survive. Level three and above deal with our hunger to thrive and ultimately actualize ourselves.  We have been created for abundance—loads of love, nourishment, satisfaction, meaning, and joy.  We are designed to cultivate our gifts and abilities in the service of living extraordinary lives.

At the same time, Jesus says we are sheep.  We are contingent beings, even though we are all but limitlessly gifted; we were created to ”be”—to be fully in relationship with God, each other and ourselves. God has made us to be a magnificent reflection of Himself; capable and competent yet dependent on Him as well as each other. We can survive alone, yet, we only will thrive in shared community with one another.

Jesus claimed to be the good shepherd—the whole, complete and paramount parent of all his sheep. He sees us accurately and is attuned to our every need. He also desires mutuality, as the scriptures say, that his sheep know him intimately. In fact, it is written in the scriptures that Jesus was made in every way like us and tempted in all things as we are. He is us, created us, knows us, intercedes for us, and will never abandon us.

A Tribute to C. L. Blue (1916-2009)

One year ago, on Thursday, March 26, 2009 my father, Charles Leroy Blue, died at the age of 93.  My wife, Sue, and I had gotten word he had had a stroke and somehow knew we needed to get out to California as soon as possible. In the space of 4 hours, we had dropped everything, purchased tickets, packed and headed for the airport to be with him. Yet, Dad had his own way of doing things and he was ready to move on–it was his time and his choice and there was no waiting around. We received the news Dad had died just before boarding our flight at Midway Airport.

Dad loved airplanes and loved to travel. How fitting that we would be in an airport when we learned of his death. When I was a kid, he and I would spend hours at the local airport listening to scanners monitoring the communication of the air traffic controllers. He spent a lot of his working life on airplanes and in and out of airports. After retirement, one of his greatest joys was planning and going on vacations.  I remember him telling me he and mom had taken over 60 trips following his retirement.

Dad loved to work hard and treasured the tools he owned.  I often thought he had a relationship with his tools, especially when I made the mistake of not properly taking care of one of his “friends.”  I learned from Dad to love hard work and to respect the tools I worked with. I learned how to set goals and strive toward accomplishing them.

Dad loved numbers.  There was a time when he could remember every place he had ever lived, including their addresses and phone numbers.  Any time Dad was a passenger in a car with you he would lean over and try and read the odometer. He was always curious about how many miles I had on the car and how many miles I would be driving to my next destination.

Dad loved routines.  Everything he did was a system—he had the same way of doing things every time.  One of his mottos was, “A place for everything and everything in its place.” I remember his morning routine: getting up at the same time, showering, making coffee, getting the newspaper, having the same breakfast every morning while reading his paper. He liked the same handful of restaurants and always requested the same table.

Dad loved discipline and determination.  Once he set his mind to something, there was no stopping him.  Whatever he did, he did it with willpower and resolve.  He smoked for 30 years and quit the day he finally became convinced smoking led to lung cancer. He drank alcohol until he was 86 and stopped cold-turkey when the neurologist told him he had no brain cells left to lose.

Dad loved the fire department.  When my brother, Bob, was 10 he was hit by a car and the quick thinking of the fireman who responded to the accident saved his life. As an expression of his gratitude, Dad served on the Fire Department Board of Directors for over 25 years, most of those years serving as the chairman.  They named the board room in his honor. How fitting that fireman from the Orinda Fire Department responded to my mom’s 911 call, cared for my father and transported him on his final trip to the hospital.

Most of all, my Dad loved my mom—it was not a perfect example of healthy dependence but it was a testament to his dedication and commitment to loving her to the best of his ability. The last conversation I had with my father, he once again said that Mollie (my mom) was the best thing that ever happened to him. He had a hard time living with her but there was no doubt he would not have wanted to live without her.

My Dad was a sensible man who lived faithful to his values. He was true to his vision and did what he set out to do. He could be rigid, stubborn, impatient and childish, often losing his temper when he did not get his way. At the same time, he cared deeply for all of us, dedicating his life to demonstrating his love by doing everything he could to provide for and protect us.

The last 20 years of my Dad’s life, he and I forged a respectful and loving relationship.  I am so thankful for the work we do at CLE to get clear and current Continue reading