Monthly Archives: April 2011

Honoring Your Anger

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(This is an exerpt from the fourth chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This chapter emphasizes the importance of learning how to feel and express anger powerfully and responsibly in all our relationships)


Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me… (Matthew 16:22)

 

We believe at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment that to be in meaningful relationship requires consciousness—an awareness of what is true in the moment and the willingness to share yourself with another. To experience true intimacy with others, including with God, we must strive to be fully ourselves, to share what is true, especially where our emotions are concerned. If we focus on what we think to the detriment of what we feel, we will not accurately reflect our true selves. If we are out of touch with our emotions or always censure ourselves and what we feel in an attempt to put our best foot forward, others will sense that we are not fully present. We, too, will experience a lack, thus undermining our ability to understand ourselves and to engage in alive and spiritually mature relationships with others and with God.

We may mistakenly believe that keeping a tight rein on our feelings will make us appear more rational, even-tempered, and likeable. When we deny our feelings or stuff them away, however, we cut ourselves off from an essential source of information about ourselves and our interactions with others.  Our feelings ground us in the here and now. They reflect an immediate understanding of what is happening within us in the moment. To become more Christ-like—meaning fully alive, authentic, and present in the moment—we need to have full access to our feelings as well as our thoughts. Only when we can feel our feelings and express them to others, connecting heart to heart, are we able to experience life on a much deeper and more meaningful level.

At first, we may have an easier time experiencing and expressing with what we perceive to be positive emotions. The first three on the SASHET spectrum (sad, angry, scared, happy, excited, and tender) may make us uncomfortable or even wary. We tell ourselves that expressing happiness or tenderness is acceptable, but sadness and fear must be in moderation, and anger is usually not acceptable. We judge certain emotions to be “good” and others to be “bad.”

All our emotions, however, are gifts from God and resources to help us live our lives to the fullest. Our anger, sadness, and fear are just as important as the happiness, excitement, and tenderness we feel. Whether we feel anger or tenderness, it is all valuable information that helps further our relationships. In the cockpit of an airplane, there are many instruments and gauges, the function of which may not be known to us. However, to a trained pilot, each one is crucial: some to be looked at every second and others only needed in an emergency.

Feelings are the instruments in our cockpit, yet many people fail to recognize their importance, mistakenly thinking that the gauges measuring our thoughts are all-sufficient.  As Christians, many of us have learned to fear our emotions, in particular the one we will focus on in this chapter: anger.

Because of the way we have been raised, we may have mistaken beliefs around anger, perceiving it as hurtful, abusive, mean, and even dangerous. We recall Paul’s advice to the Colossians to rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips (Colossians 3:8), and see anger as morally wrong. At first glance, it would seem that the advice of this chapter to “honor our anger” contradicts the teaching of scripture.  While I agree with the spirit of Paul’s teaching, I disagree with how it has been used in the church to limit and manage people’s aliveness.  I will show that our anger is power and, although power can be misused, it is an essential resource if we are truly intent to be becoming more like Christ (please read Grappling with God when it is released for the whole story).

As spiritually mature followers of Christ, we must learn how to experience our anger and express it in such a way that empowers us and deepens our relationships. It seems paradoxical: using anger to nurture our relationships with others and with God, since many of us consider this emotion to be as cutting as a knife and perhaps just as deadly. There is, however, great risk to ourselves and to others when we stifle our anger. Unexpressed anger builds until we are like volcanoes, ready to explode. In contrast, anger that’s recognized and processed in the moment, and then expressed in a responsible and mature way, clears the air and opens the lines of communication with our spouse, family members, friends and associates—and also with God. If we are going to have a spiritually mature and alive relationship with God, we need to drop our pretenses and “get real” about what we feel. Only by admitting to ourselves and to others, including God, when we are angry can we reach a level of comfort and genuineness that leads to true intimacy.

 

Truth is Love

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(This is an exerpt from the third chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith.)

 

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)

 

I was a participant on a weekend retreat whose aim was to equip me to be more honest and live more in integrity.  I found myself packed into a small room with my team waiting to have our performance evaluated on a series of projects we had completed. There were facilitators present who had been monitoring our team work. They were there to empower us to examine the extent to which we operated in good faith, living true to our commitments, principles and values.

I was scared, unaccustomed to accountability. I felt like I was back in the Principal’s office, terrified that I was going to get in trouble. I realized I spent most of my life trying to be good and do everything right in order to avoid getting punished. I had made it a point to avoid accountability and scrutiny at all costs. As my fear grew, I began to ask myself, “Why in the world did I sign up for a retreat on truthfulness and accountability?” “What was I thinking?”

Time passed and I began to feel a bit calmer and let down my guard. Out of the blue, one of the facilitators asked who on our team was responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. In that instant, it seemed as if I was a prisoner caught trying to escape and the spotlight was pointed right at me. Oh no! Everything shifted to slow motion and I was on the hot seat and my buns were frying!

I knew I had been working hard and accomplishing a number of tasks. My mind started reviewing the cleaning task we had been working on that morning. Suddenly, I remembered I had agreed to make a final check of the bathrooms and I had forgotten to do it. It was my fault! I was the culprit.

In an instant, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had blown it and left myself open to get in trouble. How could I defend myself? Didn’t it make a difference that I had done so much more than everyone else on my team. I had worked the hardest and had done the most and didn’t that count for something?

Over the next couple hours, the facilitators along with my team members attempted to help me to admit the truth that I was at fault. They wanted me to tell the truth that I had failed to follow through on what I committed to do. I felt like they wanted me to admit I had lied and my defense was that I had simply forgotten. In my mind, they wanted to blame, shame and punish me.

Later I would see that my inability to love and accept myself was preventing me from admitting that I had made a mistake. How could I be wrong and stay on my own side? What I feared they wanted to do to me was in fact what I had been doing to myself for years. I was my own harshest critic. My attempts to defend myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stubborn defensiveness was what caused others to want to punish me–not my failure to clean the bathrooms!

Gradually, their persistence broke through my resistance. I realized that they were investing in me and not trying to beat me up. They were determined to help me see what was true and at the same time accept myself. Admitting I was wrong and accepting that I had fallen short was something I had rarely done. Historically, my strategy had been to try and be perfect so that no one could ever punish me again.

My breakdown along with their commitment to truth became the gateway to my experience of grace and forgiveness. My willingness to put myself in a situation where I would be seen and held accountable opened the door for me to experience a deeper level of self-acceptance and grace. My strategy to avoid making mistakes at all costs was robbing me of the joy of discovering that the world was both a classroom and a playground in which I could try new things, make mistakes, learn, and grow.

 

Truth Indispensable

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This is an exerpt from the third chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This book details the process of personal transformation practiced at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. This chapter emphasizes how truth is the indespensible agent of change and at CLE we emphasize the power of personal and process based truth expressed in the here and now.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)

I was a participant on a weekend retreat whose aim was to equip me to be more honest and live more in integrity.  I found myself packed into a small room with my team waiting to have our performance evaluated on a series of projects we had completed. There were facilitators present who had been monitoring our work as a team. They were there to empower us to examine the extent to which we operated in good faith, living true to our commitments, principles and values.

I was scared, unaccustomed to accountability. I felt like I was back in the Principal’s office, terrified that I was going to get in trouble. I realized I spent most of my life trying to be good and do everything right in order to avoid getting punished. I had made it a point to avoid accountability and scrutiny at all costs. As my fear grew, I began to ask myself, “Why in the world did I sign up for a retreat on truthfulness and accountability?” “What was I thinking?”

Time passed and I began to feel a bit calmer and let down my guard. Out of the blue, one of the facilitators asked who on our team was responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. In that instant, it seemed as if I was a prisoner caught trying to escape and the spotlight was pointed right at me. Oh no! Everything shifted to slow motion and I was on the hot seat and my buns were frying!

I knew I had been working hard and accomplishing a number of tasks. My mind started reviewing the cleaning task we had been working on that morning. Suddenly, I remembered I had agreed to make a final check of the bathrooms and I had forgotten to do it. It was my fault! I was the culprit.

In an instant, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I had blown it and left myself open to get in trouble. How could I defend myself? Didn’t it make a difference that I had done so much more than everyone else on my team. I had worked the hardest and had done the most and didn’t that count for something?

Over the next couple hours, the facilitators along with my team members attempted to help me to admit the truth that I was at fault. They wanted me to tell the truth that I had failed to follow through on what I committed to do. I felt like they wanted me to admit I had lied and my defense was that I had simply forgotten. In my mind, they wanted to blame, shame and punish me.

Later I would see that my inability to love and accept myself was preventing me from admitting that I had made a mistake. How could I be wrong and stay on my own side? What I feared they wanted to do to me was in fact what I had been doing to myself for years. I was my own harshest critic. My attempts to defend myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stubborn defensiveness was what caused others to want to punish me–not my failure to clean the bathrooms!

Gradually, their persistence broke through my resistance. I realized that they were investing in me and not trying to beat me up. They were determined to help me see what was true and at the same time accept myself. Admitting I was wrong and accepting that I had fallen short was something I had rarely done. Historically, my strategy had been to try and be perfect so that no one could ever punish me again.

My breakdown along with their commitment to truth became the gateway to my experience of grace and forgiveness. My willingness to put myself in a situation where I would be seen and held accountable opened the door for me to experience a deeper level of self-acceptance and grace. My strategy to avoid making mistakes at all costs was robbing me of the joy of discovering that the world was both a classroom and a playground in which I could try new things, make mistakes, learn, and grow.

A Moment of Grace

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This is an exerpt from the second chapter of my soon to be released book, Grappling with God: The Battle for Authentic Faith. This book details the process of personal transformation practiced at the Center for Christian Life Enrichment. The chapter emphasizes how grace is both the foundation for and safe haven within which we can do the work of personal transformation. I am recalling one of my early experiences of grace.

Mrs. Henderson was a spiritual mother to me. I had met her through a Christian youth group I joined in high school called Young Life, where kids my age got together to have fun and share fellowship. I was awkward at first at the Young Life gatherings, unsure of myself or whether I fit in, but my experience was of being welcomed just as I was. The adult leaders, too, seemed genuinely pleased that I had come and were visibly and vocally happy when I returned a second and then a third time, and finally became a regular. Being part of Young Life did not magically wash away all the hurt and pain I had inside, but it opened me up to looking at my life as more than just football, which had been the only real connection I had with others in high school.

As I immersed myself in Young Life—going to every meeting, participating in small groups, and attending Bible study—I got to know Mrs. Henderson, who was one of the leaders. She had a large family with five kids, including a daughter about my age. From the beginning, I was accepted as “one of the family” by Mrs. Henderson.

Although I was aware that Patsy had a crush on me, I considered us to be just friends.  After high school, Patsy and I attended different colleges, and she began a career as a semi-professional singer. While home from college one weekend, I was invited to attend one of Patsy’s concerts. Afterwards, she invited me back to her house. Patsy made it seem as if there were going to be other people there.  When I got to the house, however, Patsy and I were alone. Pretty soon things were getting hot and heavy between us. Then Mrs. Henderson walked in.

The moment Mrs. Henderson looked at me, I felt like a dog that had jumped the fence. I was the guy who was allowed to be in the house at any time, and I had violated that trust. “Get out of here, right now!” Mrs. Henderson yelled. I was surrounded by shame.

I tore out of there as fast as I could. I got in my car and drove back to school, all the while kicking myself for how stupid I had been. My whole life to that point had been spent avoiding circumstances that could get me into trouble.  It wasn’t that I was so virtuous; I just wanted to appear good and not get caught doing anything wrong so people wouldn’t be mad at me or think less of me. Now I was up to my neck in hot water with Mrs. Henderson.

After a sleepless night, I called Mrs. Henderson the next morning and told her I needed to talk with her.

“I would love to talk with you,” she told me.

When I pulled into the driveway, Mrs. Henderson opened the front door to her house and greeted me. As I approached, my tears flowed; I couldn’t say anything other than how sorry I was. Putting her arms around me, Mrs. Henderson assured me she understood what happened. All was well, and our relationship was restored.

Here was an experience unlike anything that had ever happened to me before.  Here was forgiveness and acceptance in spite of the fact that I had violated the trust of someone whose opinion of me mattered very much. Here was love that was not dependent on being good or compliant.

Here was grace.

CLE is a community built on grace. It is because of the grace we share that we are able to see the truth about ourselves and  learn how to share it responsibly with others. The counseling and therapy we offer is not religious or dogmatic–it reflects the genuineness and authenticity of Christ.